Rec sex: Short for “recreational sex,” this kind of fucking-for-the-fun-of-it usually comes from a positive, happy place; in other words, if you were depressed or heartbroken or enraged, the sex you had shouldn’t officially be called rec sex. But, really, any sex between two or more consenting adults outside of a long-term relationship could be referred to as rec sex. And rec sex doesn’t ensure that there won’t be any negative consequences (like heartbreak, jealousy, confusion, or STDs). But while you’re doing it, you’re not worried about the future: You’re in the moment. Rec sex is often employed as a more cheery synonym for casual sex, and is particularly common after one has sold a first novel, won the lottery, or received a refund on their tax return.

Booty call sex: Sex with a friend-with-benefits or a new lust interest that’s arranged via a phone call or text message made after 11 p.m.—usually because there are no better prospects and/or you’ve been drinking.

Appointment sex: A more formalized version of the booty call. This kind of sex scheduling is usually done more than twenty-four hours in advance, when both parties are sober. Email invitations tend to be favored over more casual text messaging messages or impromptu phone calls. This kind of arrangement happens more frequently among the older set—work-a-holics, recovering alcoholics, single parents, people for whom fart jokes have lost their charm, i.e., those who no longer have the patience (or the liver) to wait until closing time to make a booty call.

Ex sex: Sex with a previous partner, usually because they’re easy and you’re lazy. A.k.a. double dipping, blue- binning, recycling, returning to the well.

Cereal sex: A random one-night stand in the middle of a sexual/romantic dry spell: It’s delicious while it lasts, but it’s not filling, and an hour later you’re hungrier than you were before you “ate.”

Deja sex: Unexpected sex with someone you weren’t planning on seeing or sleeping with again. For instance, after a few keg stands, you spent one of your last college Saturday nights in a room at Theta Kai with what’s-his-name, never to see him again, until ten years later when you bump into him at the international trade convention in Dallas, and, after a few Maker’s Marks at the Hilton, end up in his room, for old time’s sake.

Drive-thru sex: Convenient sex, i.e., you stop by for a quickie and then keep on moving. (“I hate to boff and run, but I’ve got a plane to catch … ”).

Mercy sex: Sex with someone you are not particularly attracted to or don’t necessarily want to do. You do it simply because you feel sorry for them: Perhaps they’ve had a crush on you since sixth grade and swear they want “just one night of passion to help me move on,” their pet goldfish just died, you know they’ll be extra “giving” in the sack in return, you know this is your only hope of “deprogramming” them out of their cultish Trekkie community, their heart was just put through a blender (by you or someone else), they haven’t had sex in a long time and have no prospects, they’re dying of cancer, they’re thirty years old and still a virgin. A.k.a. charity work (most often used as a negative rebuttal, as in “I don’t do charity work.” Oh, snap!)

Comfort sex: The sexual equivalent of mac and cheese: sex after a bad day at work, a terrible break up, a tragic pet death—anything that makes you long for the consoling feel of warm skin on skin, of connecting with another soul. You usually have to find someone willing to have mercy sex with you, and when you do, it’s slow, deliberate, usually missionary, with face-holding and perhaps Rachmaninoff playing in the background. But while it may feel good in the moment, comfort sex, like comfort food, will usually make you feel worse after it’s all said and done.

Occasion sex: A one-night stand and casual sex due to a specific circumstance, such as a power outage, a heat wave, an announcement of war, a notification that the terror alert is raised to orange, a new Al Green album. Occasion sex may be celebratory (Obama wins the presidential election, you win the lottery, good hair day) or commiserative (Ah-nold wins the presidential election after a Constitutional amendment qualifies him, death of a pet, bad haircut).

Palate cleansing: Rebound sex that obliterates the bad taste left in your mouth (not literally) by a recent ex. A.k.a. sorbet sex.

Temp work: Casual sex you have until a better, more permanent relationship comes along. Thus, an overzealous matchmaking friend, an adult online personals site, an escort service, a brothel, or an “Overeaters Anonymous” conference could all be considered “temp agencies.”

Hate sex: When lust trumps like. Sex with someone who annoys you is a drag, but sex with someone you hate with every pore of your being? Now, that’s hot. Not on a regular basis, of course (that’s just depressing), but sometimes it’s just what the shrink ordered. And you just know there’s no relationship in it, because you’d kill each other first. Push each other around, pull each other’s hair, bite each other’s shoulders, and yell, “I hate you!” right as you climax. It’s like an enema for the soul.

Drunk chicks giveth and taketh away. According to a new study, women who binge drink are much more likely to partake in anal sex and sex with multiple partners. That sounds like fun, but there is a catch. The study also showed that binge drinking females were much more likely to carry gonorrhea. Bummer.

The organizers of the study surveyed 671 patients at an STD clinic about their drinking habits and sexual history. The findings not only looked at these habits, but also compared gender differences. Specifically, female binge drinkers, defined as having 5 or more drinks in one sitting, were 3 times more likely than men to have anal sex. Compared to sober women, the binge drinkers were twice as likely to have sex with multiple partners and five times more likely to get gonorrhea.

The disparity between men and women was explained by the researchers in terms of the same amount of alcohol impairing women more, and the higher likelihood of women to contract STDs based on anatomical differences.

So, the next time you find yourself at a wild party, take a look around and pay attention to any girl that has just had her 5th drink or more. She just became much more likely to gang bang, take it up the ass, and give you gonorrhea. A mixed bag for sure, but as they say, knowledge is power.

Continuing with the penis ad theme, I can’t but help feel sorry for this poor unloved penis wandering a graffiti infested public toilet. I hope it’s not giving too much away to say things end happily for all involved.

I know these topics aren’t fun and you’d rather avoid them altogether, but it’s better to give them some thought beforehand rather than have them in your face for the long-term. Do you really want the responsibility of a child for 18 years due to one night of fun, or a disease you can’t shake and have to explain to each new partner? Thought not.

STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)

STDs can be spread through vaginal, oral or anal sex. This is an advice book, not a medical dictionary, so here is only a brief summary of some of the possible nasty things you want to avoid:

AIDS or HIV

This is the big one, the one that is spreading, the one you can die from. The myth used to be that only homosexuals and drug users got AIDS, but not anymore.

HIV is a precursor to AIDS, and there are no obvious symptoms. It affects your immune system, making you weak and very susceptible to other illnesses. It can show up in tests months after you catch it.

Herpes

Herpes can be oral (“cold sores”) or genital herpes, itchy bumps or tiny blisters in the groin area. You cannot be cured, but it goes into remission, and there is effective treatment for it.

Gonorrhea

Also known as the clap, gonorrhea is a bacterial infection that is curable when detected early. Symptoms aren’t obvious in women, but men often have a discharge from the penis and pain when urinating.

Chlamydia

Symptoms in men include swelling of the testicles and pain when urinating. In women it can cause chronic pain and infertility. It can be cured with antibiotics.
Contraception

When sleeping with a new partner for the first time, you need to be prepared and have some kind of protection with you. The best kind to use is condoms, because:

They’re easy to carry around, such as in your wallet.

You’re the person who wears one, to can be totally sure that you’re protected.

They protect you from most STDs and pregnancy.

They’re easy to throw away afterwards.

Condoms often have a negative reputation because you have to briefly interrupt what you’re doing to put one on, and some men complain that they take away some of the sensation.

My response to this is you have to compare the alternatives. At worst, you could die from this selfish moment of refusing to wear one. So take some responsibility.

To avoid getting caught out, always carry condoms with you. Often women these days have their own supply, but this doesn’t mean you should rely on them to have any. Don’t store them in your car, if they get overheated it affects the latex. Also make sure they don’t get punctured or scrunched up, and check the expiry date if you have the same packet for years (hopefully you won’t be in that situation!).

You can make condoms more fun by buying colored, ribbed and flavored ones.

If you’re unsure about how to use condoms, buy a packet and practise in your room. Read the instructions that come with the pack, and learn how to put on one safely and quickly. You don’t want to bring her to the heights of passion, only to be fumbling around with a condom for five minutes.

Some men worry about women’s attitudes to condoms. In a woman’s mind, if a man shows he is prepared and takes responsibility this is a sign of real intelligence. To a woman intelligence is always sexy. Plus, in an era of different partners and different diseases, most have accepted condoms as a necessary part of sex that is here to stay.
To find the right moment to put it on, you’ll have to decide that for yourself. But one way to avoid the interruption of slipping it on, ask her to do it. Many women love this, and it’s a good way of initiating intercourse. The important thing is, try and incorporate it in with the rest of your moves.

Very occasionally condoms do break, but usually this is because they aren’t handled properly or because people use them with a non water-based lubricant that damages the latex. So follow the instructions!
When you have come, make sure you withdraw straight away to avoid spillage, but don’t withdraw from her completely. Remember she needs to be held for a few minutes. You can deal with the condom later.