Guys, it’s a truthy factoid that there are some things your woman never needs to find out about you. You will always need to maintain some leverage within the relationship, and if you give her all the dirt you can bet that your leverage will end up being comparable to that of a wet paper straw wedged under the Rock of Gibraltar. And there’s always the prospect of future public humiliation to bear in mind if the relationship goes south.

So because we care, here are 10 things your lady never needs to know about you. Keep this information close to your own chest, though if there’s even a chance she can get the information from another source, you’re probably going to be better off telling her. If she discovers your shameful secrets via any route other than your lips you’ll be hit with the double-suck of her knowing the stuff and her knowing you tried to cover it up.

1. Where you keep your porn

So you like porn. No big, plenty of women do too. This doesn’t mean, however, that bringing it up is a great idea. If I had a dollar for every man who’s shared his porn stash with his girl only to have her start wailing about how she feels she has to compete with _insert_name_of_hot_porn_actress_here_ every time she fucks him I’d have SEVERAL DOLLARS. And there’s nothing to stop her completely wigging and destroying your precious collection when you aren’t looking. Keep your friends close, and your porn stash even closer.

2. What you earn

Particularly in the early stages of a relationship, it’s a good idea to play your finances close to your chest. Two words: gold diggers. Whether you’re diamond-studded or debt-ridden she doesn’t need to know. Let her figure out whether she likes you based on your personal merits first before dropping the poor-or-rich bomb on her. If you’re loaded you can buy her the stuff she likes, if not at least she’s proved she’s of good character by sticking with you regardless of the lack of financial incentive.

3. How many chicks you’ve banged

You may know how many chicks you’ve slept with. Some of your friends may know, too. But that’s where the information should stay. While speaking the numbers may have a negative impact on your relationship, it’s highly unlikely to have any positive benefit, whatever the numbers are. So best to leave the beast in the box and keep your trap shut.

4. Your weaknesses

Maybe you cry during Nature documentaries, maybe your self-confidence is a complete sham. It doesn’t really matter, so long as you never tell her. If she finds out you can guarantee she’ll start making all sorts of “sweet” jokes at your expense. Don’t be fooled: this shit isn’t funny. It undermines her respect for you and your stature as a man. Suck it up and keep your faults belted in.

5. Your masturbation habits

She knows you masturbate. She doesn’t need to know exactly for how long, when, or with what. There’s a danger that it’ll get her curious, and guys would rather be by themselves during “alone time,” without having to be concerned about being snuck up on.

6. Strip clubs

Do you dig strip clubs? Watching attractive ladies writhe erotically for your pleasure and titillation? Want to keep digging them? Then never, NEVER tell your woman. Don’t even concede that you used to go. She’ll want to know why you like the clubs and how much money you spend on the “girls”. Even women who claim to have no problems with such activity will somehow twist your habit to their advantage. Quite simply, it’s a road you don’t want to go down.

7. Any really weird sexual fantasies you have

Some fantasies are fine to share and to enjoy together, but within nearly every man lurks dark and dangerous desires that frankly, she just isn’t going to understand. Maybe yours involve lawn ornaments and digital amputation, and you find yourself wondering earnestly if your ladyfriend will appreciate them. Well, the smart money is going to be on NO. Certain sensual reveries are best taken care of on one’s own. There’s every chance that once she gets a glimpse of the perverted filth that cascades through your imagination she’s going to bolt for the door faster than you can say “warm semen enema”.

8. Embarrassing things that have happened to you

Embarrassing things have happened to everyone, and in their milder forms might be fine to relate. But we’re not just talking mild embarrassment here. We’re talking about heinous, life-crushing embarrassment like crapping in your mother’s bed or having someone post a hi-res picture of your manjunk in a public forum. If you’ve ever suffered humiliation of this order of magnitude, don’t ever let her find out about it. The visuals alone will eliminate all cool-cred you may have accumulated up to that point, and you will become an object of derision and funmaking. Just say no.

9. Stuff relating to ex-girlfriends

You might have naked photos, love letters, soiled panties, and extensive files on all your ex-girlfriends. But don’t let your current missus find out about them. Even if she claims she’s happy to let the past be the past you can bet she’ll be more than happy to drop their names the next time you’re fighting. Take the bullets out of her future gun and hide that stuff somewhere she’ll never find it.

10. Times you’ve cheated

Maybe you used to be a player. Maybe your last girlfriend was so horrible she drove you into the tender loins of another woman. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. You cop to having cheated in the past and you will be under suspicion from here to eternity. Get used to the rest of your (probably brief) relationship with Miss Right Now involving having her think you’re looking to score anything with a vagina and spark of sentience.

Honorable Mention: dodgy stuff your buddies get up to

Never let your woman know about all the outrageous, crazy stuff your pals get up to. What kinds of things specifically? A good rule of thumb is not share anything about them with her that they wouldn’t reveal to their own significant others. There’s more than one reason to avoid doing this. The first reason is that busting your buddies is a serious violation of the bro code. The other reason is that you start to make yourself look guilty by association. Tell her about how much time and money Graham spents at the strip club and and she’ll start to wonder how much time you spend there with him. In short: be a bro, look after your pals and they’ll look after you.

Be Cool

Hopefully now you have a clear idea about what sort of info to keep safe and secret from the woman in your life you won’t have a problem keeping yourself looking cool for the ladies. Remember: careless talk costs wives.

So Rebecca actually did take me for the best hamburger of my life, and I thought I was out of luck considering she had agreed to let me tie her up and blindfold her if she was proven wrong. It pained me to have to admit she was right, and upon getting back to her place she indicated it was time to settle the bet. I was confused, because there was no agreement on what would happen if she was right, but when she started to motion for me to lie down on the bed I began to protest a bit. In actuality, I’ve never let a girl tie me up — in my mind I should be the one doing the tying. But she insisted saying fair is fair — and who was I to argue. In order to assuage me, she indicated that she would ask permission before any given act. She stripped me down to my boxers and tied my hands to the bedposts and used a scarf to blindfold me. In reality, she did a terrible job and I could still easily see her — and I could have “escaped” in around 6 seconds if I truly desired to. But, I decided to play along.

She began by asking for permission to kiss me — which I obviously granted. After several intense moments of kissing, she asked if she could take off her top and skirt — who was I to say no? I found her asking to be especially arousing. She was then kneeling next to me, running her hands up and down my chest and thighs. I almost came when she asked me — whispering shyly in my ear — if she could touch my penis. I heartily gave permission at which point I felt her warm hand sliding down underneath my boxers. She then proceeded to ask permission to take off her panties, and within seconds she was on top of me riding me like no other girl ever has. Truth be told — it was one of the most arousing sexual experiences of my life. The next day spent with Rebecca was just as exciting — I actually really like this girl. I hate to admit it, but this encounter has now transcended casualness — and I have no motivation to now plan the next stop on my pussy tour. However, I’m sure I’ll snap out of it soon.

Justin

Sometimes an old fashioned score needs to be settled between friends. That is all that is going on here and the beauty of the request lies in its simplicity: friends can’t see friends’ penises, friends’ girlfriends can’t see friends’ penises, so there is a problem in need of a solution.

Seems easy enough, but there are some issues raised that need to be explored. First of all, there is the problem that the measurements are to be done individually and that is understandable as it would be, like, totally gay to whip out the cocks in the same room. However, this places way too much trust in the measuring girl. All kind of sparks have been known to fly when shlongs get whipped out with a guy and girl in a room together. This can lead to favoritism and inaccurate reporting of the measurements. There would need to be another, independent girl playing the role of penis measuring “auditor”. Call her the KPMG girl.

Assuming KPMG girl has to be paid also, the question of how much is this measurement worth comes up. We want to know what is the bet between the two original friends worth? If it is just an argument, as they state, they would have to put some of their own betting stakes on the contest to offset the costs of measuring girl and KPMG girl. That’s just basic economics. Once all that is settled, my friends, you have cleared the way for a proper penis measuring contest.

Take the worst blind date story you have ever heard, multiply it by ten, and it is still not close to this. A teenage boy in China was so disappointed by the appearance of his blind date that he went home and hanged himself afterwards.

The two met on the popular QQ messaging site, and had been talking for a few weeks before meeting. The girl said she was 19 years old, beautiful, and went by the name “Flying Skirt,” or Quanjiaofeiyang in Chinese. When they met, it turned out she was 27 and…..uhmmmm, how can I put this….”homely”. The boy turned around and went straight home, got very quiet, and lost his appetite. Four days later, he hanged himself from a tree.

A few things stick out about this story. One is that they were only in touch for a few weeks before, how could he have been that attached? Perhaps the skewed girl to guy ratio left him feeling desperate.

Also, this had to seriously mess up the girl psychologically. Before reading this, I thought the worse that could happen is having an ex turn gay or lesbian, but this is a whole new level. Granted, she lied about her age and looks, but nobody deserves this.

At the end of the day, this story is pretty extreme and reminds us a few things. One is that whatever our relationship drama is, keep it in perspective because it is not that bad. Another thing is it is these extreme stories that remind us that these are the exceptions with blind dating and most of our experiences will be much more positive than negative.