Founder of online dating consulting service E-Cyrano and author of several popular books on online dating, Evan Marc Katz has established himself as America’s leading dating expert. I first encountered him some months ago through his retardedly popular blog, and found his no-nonsense, no victims, pragmatic and realistic approach to people’s dating problems immensely attractive. I was thrilled when he agreed to do an interview with us – the online equivalent of running a school newspaper and having the President agree to drop by and answer a few questions.

Hey Evan, thanks for taking the time to do this interview. I know you’re insanely busy and have a huge backlog after your recent vacation. We sincerely appreciate you making time for us.

I’m guessing it might have seemed slightly odd to you that someone running an “adult dating” blog would request an interview, but honestly, before I sent you an email I sat down and pondered awhile. What I realized was that most people don’t stay on the casual scene forever. Most of them, eventually, decide for whatever reason that what they really want is what you help people to get. So I think having our audience exposed to your voice here is valuable and worthwhile.

One thing I really like about the advice you give is that it’s unfailingly pragmatic and realistic, sometimes brutally so. Here’s a quote from one of your recent blog entries to illustrate: “. . . the people who do best in the world we live in . . . are not the ones who try to rewrite the rules of society, but rather, figure out how to navigate them successfully.” Now, I know from following the comments on your blog that sometimes people get quite worked up by your candid analysis of situations and relationships. Why do you think that is?

I just read somewhere that people will do anything to preserve their worldview. It doesn’t matter if that world view is effective or empowering or whether it’s negative and hurtful – we will try our hardest to justify what we already believe. If a woman’s worldview is that men are scum, she can certainly find enough evidence to support it. The problem is that she will never find love with that belief system.

So even though I write a dating and relationship advice column, I almost feel like I rarely offer my opinion. All I do is attempt to find a solution for what’s not working – whether or not it supports what I believe. Which is why it’s pretty useless to argue with me, because I’m rarely expressing my own point of view – I’m just pointing out how the world works. Men can be pigs. Women can be emotional. What are we going to do in spite of these realities, instead of pointing the finger and telling men to stop being pigs and women to stop being emotional?

And, almost invariably, that means that WE have to change. We have to accept the flaws in the opposite sex, in Match.com, in our others’ pickiness, hypocrisies and commitmentphobia. Shouting that the world isn’t fair doesn’t suddenly make the world fair – which is why my advice almost always points the finger at the person asking the original question.

Seeing as I know you’re old enough to remember the World Without Internets, just wondering if you agree with the statement “ The Internet has revolutionized classified personals ads,” and if so, how do you think it has?

This is taken directly from my answer to Honey and Lance in an interview:

Online dating has leveled the playing field for men and given them a great deal more power than they’ve ever had before. This is a classic double-edged sword. The good news is that men who aren’t comfortable in the pick-up scene have a greater opportunity to succeed, as do older, divorced people who aren’t as likely to be hitting on strangers at bars. The bad news is that the perception of unlimited choice has enabled us to think that the grass is always greener. Online, there’s always someone younger, cuter, smarter, richer. Yet we ignore the fact that younger, cuter, smarter, richer doesn’t always make for a healthy relationship.

You can’t build anything when you’re always moving – and online dating – for all of its merits, turns both men and women into unintentional players with unrealistic standards.

In terms of the actual work you do: writing, speaking, coaching, and consulting, what’s the most enjoyable for you? How do you feel you’re doing at balancing the different roles and responsibilities?

Speaking lights me up more than anything, because you can see the immediate impact you’re having. You can see nodding heads and smiling faces. You can get a roar of laughter. You get to shake hands afterwards and connect and hear people’s stories and their takeaways. I never feel like I reach more people than when I’ve got a microphone in my hand.

However, my day-to-day is far more consumed by private dating coaching, and there is an immense satisfaction in watching the personal growth of individuals who put their trust in me. To see self-awareness and confidence blossom, week after week, until my clients find themselves in happy relationships, well, that’s priceless. I love the closeness and vulnerability of getting to know people intimately though our coaching sessions.

And yet, I undoubtedly reach more people with every blog and newsletter I send out. I just don’t get the satisfaction of making a personal connection. If I had my way, I’d do a lot more live events and group coaching, for the best of both worlds.

Have you ever had cause to regret any advice you’ve given anyone? Are there any things in general that you used to tell people that you feel foolish about now?

Undoubtedly, although I’m not the type to wallow in regret. But logically, I’m a very different person than I was when I wrote my first book at age 31 and I’d never had a relationship over seven months. Now, I’m 37 and married, and have learned an immense amount from my dating coaching experiences. The purest record of my advice can be seen in “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book” and “Why You’re Still Single”, and while I wouldn’t retract most of the material, it all seems a little bit immature. I’m much prouder of my Finding the One Online CD Series, for example, than I am of my first book – although my first book was much funnier.

If you’re looking for one thing that I know I’d take back, it’s telling people to respond to a detail in another person’s online dating profile. It’s not that the advice is bad – it’s that it’s half-baked. Most people say things like “You like skiing? I like skiing, too! Let’s go on a date…”, which is a pretty crappy pick-up line. I give much more specific guidance on how to communicate powerfully in Finding the One Online.

Congratulations on your recent marriage. Has married life surprised you? Do you have any advice for married couples you’d like to share?

After eight months, I’m no expert in marriage, and don’t expect to be dispensing marriage advice for a good, long while. What I can say is that getting married was easy – moving in together after the wedding was a bit scary, however. My wife and I both work from home, so it took a few months for me to feel truly comfortable having someone around all the time. But every day, I feel more and more validated in my decision to get married. Perhaps it’s because I’m a dating coach and hear so many negative stories, but I’m extremely appreciative at how patient and understanding my wife is with me. She sets the tone for how to be a great partner – all I have to do is follow her example.

And finally: what are your future hopes/plans for your businesses? Anything else you’d like to add or mention in closing? Thoughts, comments, projects or events you’d like to plug? The floor is yours.

Private coaching is still the best part of my job. If you struggle with the opposite sex, there’s no better way to learn than to make love a priority in your life. I only work with a limited number of highly-motivated clients, so if you’re interested, just go to http://www.evanmarckatz.com/dating-coaching/ and fill out a short application.

If dating coaching is out of your price range, you can get all the benefits of 7 weeks of coaching with my 7 CD series, Finding the One Online: http://www.findingtheoneonline.com/.

And if you’re just looking for a new way of attracting more high quality people online, my profile writing company, E-Cyrano.com, is having a sale – 33% off regular prices: http://www.e-cyrano.com

Finally, if you just want to stay in touch and read some amazing free advice, sign up to get my special report, The 5 Massive Mistakes You’re Definitely Making in Dating and How to Turn Them Around Instantly. http://www.evanmarckatz.com/newsletter.html

Otherwise, I just want to thank you for inviting me to talk today, and thank your readers for their interest in improving their love lives. I’m very lucky to get to do this for a living and I bring that appreciation to every single coaching session.

Best wishes and many thanks.

Top 10 links for week beginning 07/19/2009

1. Tips for engaging in casual sex.
2. Pasty geek wanted for OH LA LA.
3. “I want my vagina to have call-waiting.”
4. The Japanese: Still Crazy.
5. Most badass tattoo EVAR.
6. Eyes Wide Shut. Apparently a true story.
7. Hot crockery. Thanks, Grandad.
8. The case against post-menopausal in vitro fertilization.
9. Russian brides: before and after “styling”.
10. Busted with a camwhore. O the horror.

Found this over at craigslist. Couldn’t have written a better guide to meeting people for hookups there myself, so thought I’d share it. It’s also a long (though worthwhile!) read, so you might want to grab a coffee now.

Enjoy.

Casual Definitions Of Casual Sex

Far be of it for me to intrude upon our illicit activities here on CL (I am indulging too, there’s no need to get uptight now, is there?), but after a few crossed wires in my (and all of our) effort to find a warm, willing someone to touch our soft parts, I find a need.

Only us overeducated and neurotic San Franciscans can fuck up something simple as casual sex, and all over definitions. So, as a public service, here follows the definitions of some (some is key here) of the sexual liaisons available to the discerning urbanite:

Sex With No Strings. Pretty simple, and to the point – humping. Lots of it. Usually in one session – thus, no strings. In other words, no expectations of future humping, unless a new relationship is negotiated. SWS means I will not a call you later, I will not meet your parents, and no, you can’t sleep over (in my t-shirt no less). This is the traditional One Night Stand, folks, it just doesn’t have to start in a bar, nor do you need to be drunk.

Guys, there are manners. You do not ejaculate, and instantly ask when the next bus runs outside, a smatter of small talk costs you nothing and might reward you with an upgrade to fuck buddy status. Also, this is one you DO NOT call later, drunk, horny, and confused. This is one that is “use once, throw away”. Unless it’s so good, you have to go back…usually you can decide this 30 seconds after you cum…then it’s upgrade time.

Gals. This is NOT A RELATIONSHIP. STOP telling your girlfriends about the awesome guy you met last night, he’s not calling you again. Yes, he used you. You used him right back. Enjoy the power. These are hook ups you don’t talk about, nor do you take them around to meet your pals for drinks the next day. You hump, they leave. Simple.

Booty Call: This is someone you’ve SWNS’ed, or dated. Maybe you were married. Or she is, and you work together. Or you both are. This is someone you can call anytime, day or night, and chances are, you will get laid. You have one or two of these, right? Everyone does. Anyone who’s dating someone else, and it’s the first year, dreads these. We all know who are they. We have ours.

Guys and Gals – these happen FROM previous relationships. Stop asking for them, you’re putting the horse before the cart. One of the important things here is, A., you know calling them is okay, and vice versa, and B., you know what they’re like in bed, they’re acceptable to you, and there will be no uncomfortable “surprises” at the door if they com over. Slow it down, Speed Racer, and try SWNS first. And finally, these are the super, super secret ones. Nobody ever knows. Ever. If you tell your current girlfriend/boyfriend, you destroy the relationship AND the bootycall.

Fuck Buddy. These are the fun ones, and the most dangerous. It’s about sex – lots of it, and all the time. After work, before work, all weekend, in Tahoe on a ski weekend (fireplace sex is the BEST), and they’re allowed to stay over. Can be ongoing, like a booty call, and will be dusted off between relationships. “Funny, I never met HIM the 3 years we dated? Oh, he’s one of THOSE.” You might even date, go out, show each other off, but once things get personal, you both know it’s time to split up, for now. They’re the one person who won’t get upset if you say “I met someone…” because they did, too.

Guys and gals, warning. These relationships are treacherous. They CAN and do sometimes get real, and the other person rarely agrees it’s time to start sharing the bureau and bathroom. Be open, honest, and make sure you’re BOTH on the same page, and the kingdom is yours.

However, for the meek at heart, beware. These are the relationships where fetishes, fantasies, and pure unadulterated hedonism occurs, and it’s expected. This is the time for her to try drinking the blood from a wound on your lower belly while she jerks you off, because those bloody vampire movies turn her on in a way she’s not ready to deal with. This is the time he’ll be into trying threesomes, or more. Do not be offended if he wants to share you, you are his favorite toy, and it’s a mark of honor that he’s comfy with it. Indulge. But if they rock your polite, vanilla ideas of what sex is a little too hard, be aware you are in far, far over your head, and you need to back off and either date (foolish exercise that it is) or dabble with SWNS, so you can at least escape his/her chamber of horrors.

Yes folks, this is the one where you get your stories. Love them, live them, respect them. You’d both worked hard.

Friends With Benefits. Yes, that one. Okay, some blunt truth. Women tend to abuse this one to try and trap a guy into a relationship, and guys generally confuse this with Fuck Buddy, Booty Call, and Sex With No Strings – and generally all in one night. Guys, these are going to be tough for you, for one reason: the word “freinds”. These relationships have a very good shot of turning into a real relationship. See “When Harry Met Sally”. This is someone you’d probably be dating, anyway, and the only difference is no sex. Adding sex can be tricky, as it moves the relationship into a grey area, of where you’re not sure how you feel.

OR

It’s someone you trust utterly, who can share this intimacy with you without freaking out on you, and it’ll be your shared secret, one that means something. Yes, guys, sex can be meaningful.

This is one where friendship needs to be present first – a strong friendship that can survive the rocky shore of sexual relations. If your friendship is rocky, chaotic, inconstant, and does not have solid communication skills on both sides, mutual trust and respect, it’s just a bad idea to begin with, and it will kill your friendship – one that you generally want to cling to, as they count for far more than fleeting sex.

Of all the women I’ve had offer this to me, very few of them could handle it, and were confusing the intimacy of friendship with something else. Two i accepted, one worked, one did’nt, and horribly. The three I offered it to, I knew could, and it was a warm, enjoyable experience we still smile about and hint at when our SO’s aren’t around. These are good for times of stress or tragedy, for the lean times between relationships, and while they tend to be more about married sex than the wild, unbridled fuck buddies, it’s very, very good – you know each other, it’s that much deeper.

Gals: this is a bad way to find a boyfriend. If he’s already a friend, that means you don’t want to date him, or you’re not sure. Make up your mind before plunging in. If you have any feelings for him, and don’t admit it up front, it won’t go well. Don’t dupe a guy – we hate that. Don’t lie. You cannot ASK for this on CL – they are bred during real friendships that happen outside of your nasty little weekend adventures. (You nasty little girl. Bless you.) Asking for a Friends With Benefits on CL screams one thing to me; someone who cannot be honest about what they’re looking for, and is using his/her sexuality, or the lure of it, to bypass the hard work of actually meeting someone, getting to know them, and actually relating to them on various levels. You belong in Casual Encounters, but you need to get real – what you need and all you can handle is a SWNS or a fuck buddy, stop trying to trick people with the lure of sex.

Guys: This is trouble for you, for that “friend” word. Yes, it means you have to be a friend, and all that implies. That means she CAN in fact call you when she’s weepy, and you have to listen. That means you’re NICE to her, and do nice things for her. It may have even occurred to her that you really like her, which is why you’re friends with her. This is one you introduce to your family, if they don’t know her and adore her already, but as just friends – they’ll understand later if that changes. It also means that you won’t be having sex all the time – you’re friends, remember? That means doing things with her, like going to the store with her, getting her medicine and soup when she’s sick, driving her when her car is in the shop…you know the drill. if any of this irks you, you’re not being honest about her, and you need to figure out what you’re doing, or negotiate for a different status.

So, that’s all for now. Please post with care, about what you want and are looking for, chances are there’s plenty of someones to fill your every – and I mean every – need, here in the wilds of CL. But be honest, and get your terms rights. If you want a boyfriend, post in WSM, not casual encounters talking about friends with benefits. Don’t agree to a night of SWNS sex and old black and white films, and then start acting like a girlfriend later, and demanding attention. It’s a waste of time, and that’s time you could be humping.

Hope this helps! Feel free to rebutt, reject, or rejoinder!

As promised, here are the two FREE adult dating e-books we promised, written by renowned author, blogger, and sexpert Lyla Marsh.

Click the links to download them and save them to your computer.

They’re in PDF format so you’ll need to download the free Adobe reader to view them, if you don’t already have it installed (most computers will.) Enjoy!

Download 1: How to Find Sex the Art of the One Night Stand Volume 1 Attraction and Seduction

Download 2: How to Find Sex the Art of the One Night Stand Volume 2 Pleasuring Her

We can’t promise we’re going to keep these books up for long, as Lyla is considering compiling them into a physical dead-tree-type book and flogging it at a B&N near you, so you’re best off to grab them now.

Stay awesome and enjoy!

Conclusion

In part 2 of this series you have learned more about how her body works and some specific techniques you can use to really please her. The most important thing is to stimulate a woman mentally as well as physically, and make sure you both enjoy the experience rather than focusing only on the “big O”. Hopefully this has shown you the differences in her body that give her enjoyment, and you can manipulate these differences to have a fantastic time together.

Here are two case studies to illustrate what this book has taught you. Like part 1, there is one story of a man who does everything right, and one story of a man who does the complete opposite!

Case Studies

Case Study 1: Tony’s Night

After a night out at a great restaurant, Tony invites Barbara back to his place to watch a video and she accepts. He pours them some wine and they settle back on his couch to watch.

He takes her hand and slowly massages it with is fingers, and she snuggles up to him on the couch. When the film ends, he turns off the TV, puts on some soft music and they sit together in the dimly lit room, drinking wine and talking softly.

Their heads move together and he starts kissing her, very gently, just touching the tip of her tongue with his and kissing each lip. She responds by pressing her body to his, and he puts his arms around her and his hands gently on the back of her neck.

He moves his head down to her neck, kissing her there and on her face and ears, while running his hands over her arms and through her hair. He kisses her mouth again, more deeply but not aggressively.

He pulls back gently and leads her to his bedroom, which is tidy and his bed is clean and made. He lies her down on the bed and slowly starts undressing her while exploring her body with his hands and tongue, working his way downwards. He touches her like he was touching a piece of silk, running his hands over her body for his own pleasure. He murmurs comments about how beautiful she is and how great she tastes.

He goes down with her and she becomes very wet, moaning with pleasure. She sits up and starts doing the same to him, undressing him and kissing him. He whispers, “Do you want me inside you,” and she says yes, very much. He rolls on a condom and she goes down on him. They touch each other for a while, then he slowly begins to penetrate her. They move together slowly at first, then find a rhythm and quicken the pace. She moves on top and he lies back, watching her while moving his hips around and stroking her breasts. She begins to move more urgently and comes, her long hair just brushing his face.

She rolls over beneath him again and he strokes her all over, kissing her mouth then looking at her and smiling. He moves inside her again, placing his hands under her buttocks to move deeper inside her. She runs her hands over his body and they both breathe heavily until they come together.

He withdraws and takes her in his arms, saying, “That was wonderful.” And she smiles happily. He holds her and strokes her as they chat quietly for a while, then drift peacefully into sleep.

Case Study 2: Bill’s Night

Bill had been trying to score a woman for months, without any success. Finally he managed to bring home Lucy after a few dates and a fair bit of alcohol. He took her home to his dark, dingy flat and cleared a path to the couch.

As soon as she sat down, Bob pounced, kissing her messily and stuffed his tongue into her mouth. She pushed him away, but after a few seconds he was back in her mouth while grabbing for a breast. She pulled away from him but repositioned herself on the couch so she was more in control, and started kissing her the way she liked it. He tried to follow her lead, and she showed him how to be gentler. She was quite touched by how inexperienced he was and wanted to teach him how to please her.
They made their way into his room, and fell on the unmade bed. He started taking his clothes off, but she said, “Can’t we just lie here for a second first?” He reluctantly lay next her and held her, kissing and stroking her, but his heart wasn’t in it. When was he going to get some real action? He looked at his watch and sighed. She noticed and her heart sank, as she wondered why she was still here.

“Do you have a condom? “she asked. “No,” said Bill, “I didn’t think about it.” She stared at him for a second, then went to her bag to get one.
“Why do you carry condoms?” asked Bill. He was suspicious, wondering if she was a slut or something. “Because they’re for safe sex,” she said, exasperated.

He rolled on the condom and tried to enter her, but she pushed him back, saying she wanted them to kiss a bit more. He jammed his tongue into her mouth for a second, then entered her.

He moved quickly, his eyes screwed up in concentration, his face away from hers. When he had come, he rolled over and started snoring.

Lucy gathered her stuff together and left, but not before pouring some water over Bill’s head to let him know how she felt.

This post concludes Lyla’s series. We’d like to thank her sincerely for her contribution to the blog, and we wish her well in all her future endeavors. We’ll shortly be collecting her series and making it available here, for free, as a downloadable PDF. Stay tuned. – Admin.

I know these topics aren’t fun and you’d rather avoid them altogether, but it’s better to give them some thought beforehand rather than have them in your face for the long-term. Do you really want the responsibility of a child for 18 years due to one night of fun, or a disease you can’t shake and have to explain to each new partner? Thought not.

STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)

STDs can be spread through vaginal, oral or anal sex. This is an advice book, not a medical dictionary, so here is only a brief summary of some of the possible nasty things you want to avoid:

AIDS or HIV

This is the big one, the one that is spreading, the one you can die from. The myth used to be that only homosexuals and drug users got AIDS, but not anymore.

HIV is a precursor to AIDS, and there are no obvious symptoms. It affects your immune system, making you weak and very susceptible to other illnesses. It can show up in tests months after you catch it.

Herpes

Herpes can be oral (“cold sores”) or genital herpes, itchy bumps or tiny blisters in the groin area. You cannot be cured, but it goes into remission, and there is effective treatment for it.

Gonorrhea

Also known as the clap, gonorrhea is a bacterial infection that is curable when detected early. Symptoms aren’t obvious in women, but men often have a discharge from the penis and pain when urinating.

Chlamydia

Symptoms in men include swelling of the testicles and pain when urinating. In women it can cause chronic pain and infertility. It can be cured with antibiotics.
Contraception

When sleeping with a new partner for the first time, you need to be prepared and have some kind of protection with you. The best kind to use is condoms, because:

They’re easy to carry around, such as in your wallet.

You’re the person who wears one, to can be totally sure that you’re protected.

They protect you from most STDs and pregnancy.

They’re easy to throw away afterwards.

Condoms often have a negative reputation because you have to briefly interrupt what you’re doing to put one on, and some men complain that they take away some of the sensation.

My response to this is you have to compare the alternatives. At worst, you could die from this selfish moment of refusing to wear one. So take some responsibility.

To avoid getting caught out, always carry condoms with you. Often women these days have their own supply, but this doesn’t mean you should rely on them to have any. Don’t store them in your car, if they get overheated it affects the latex. Also make sure they don’t get punctured or scrunched up, and check the expiry date if you have the same packet for years (hopefully you won’t be in that situation!).

You can make condoms more fun by buying colored, ribbed and flavored ones.

If you’re unsure about how to use condoms, buy a packet and practise in your room. Read the instructions that come with the pack, and learn how to put on one safely and quickly. You don’t want to bring her to the heights of passion, only to be fumbling around with a condom for five minutes.

Some men worry about women’s attitudes to condoms. In a woman’s mind, if a man shows he is prepared and takes responsibility this is a sign of real intelligence. To a woman intelligence is always sexy. Plus, in an era of different partners and different diseases, most have accepted condoms as a necessary part of sex that is here to stay.
To find the right moment to put it on, you’ll have to decide that for yourself. But one way to avoid the interruption of slipping it on, ask her to do it. Many women love this, and it’s a good way of initiating intercourse. The important thing is, try and incorporate it in with the rest of your moves.

Very occasionally condoms do break, but usually this is because they aren’t handled properly or because people use them with a non water-based lubricant that damages the latex. So follow the instructions!
When you have come, make sure you withdraw straight away to avoid spillage, but don’t withdraw from her completely. Remember she needs to be held for a few minutes. You can deal with the condom later.

Potential Problems

In this section we look at possible problems and how to solve them. As sex can be a volatile thing involving emotions and hormones, there will inevitably be problems of some kind and at some stage. How you handle these problems may bring the two of you closer together rather than ruin the night, or consequently your relationship.

The bottom line is, take her problems seriously. Don’t dismiss them lightly or ignore them altogether. Obviously this will tell her you’re a complete jerk who couldn’t care less how she feels.

Adjust your speed

This refers both to the speed of your thrusting, which we looked at in earlier, and also the speed at which you’re trying to get her into bed. After a few hours of heavy petting, if she’s reluctant to continue, don’t pressure her. Think of things more long-term and tell yourself you’d rather have her when she’s completely ready. You don’t want her to regret it later.

She’s talking long-term commitment

This is enough either to scare a man off completely, or make him feel bad that he’s somehow leading her on. What most men don’t realize is that women aren’t dumb, they know how important sex is to a man and the lengths he’ll go to get it. However, her reasons for dating are to find a long-term partner. So it’s important to be comforting and honest. Tell her how much you like her; admit to not knowing what you want in the long-term but stress that you will want a serious girlfriend in the future and that you’re enjoying getting to know her.

She has a boyfriend

This is a potential minefield, and the answer to this dilemma depends on each man’s personal ethics. If you care, don’t date her or sleep with her. If you don’t care, well then it’s not a problem for you, is it?

She talks about having a baby

Even if she’s not referring to you specifically as the potential father, be very careful. Women know that men freak out at the idea of parenthood, so if she’s throwing this topic around then she may be testing your response. When having sex with her, do not depend on her to provide contraception.

She doesn’t want to use any contraception

Unless you’ve made a mutual decision together to conceive a baby, run very fast in the opposite direction. To be fair, she may have just got caught up in the heat of the moment. If so, don’t lose it entirely, but proceed with extreme caution. There could well be more trouble brewing in the future.

She’s recently broken up with her boyfriend

At this time she’s feeling incredibly vulnerable and looking for something comforting and hassle-free. In this situation it’s okay to tell her that you’re looking for something fun and not serious, and this admission may well boost your credibility with her.

The downside may be that she’s emotional or feeling negative about men in general, depending on the nature of her breakup.

She complains about how she looks

A lot of women feel nervous before sex, partly because it means you’ll be seeing her completely naked for the first time. Every woman has parts of her body she’s dissatisfied with, and during sex she may feel so insecure about them that she brings them up. You must stop what you’re doing and address her problem. Reassure her that you love her butt/stomach/breasts/whatever, and that you wouldn’t change a thing.
Do not say something like, “I love your squishy stomach” or “I like big butts.” She will kill you, or at the very least, never see you again.

She cries during sex

If a woman cries during sex it is not necessarily because she’s unhappy. Often the hormones rushing around her body make her a bit emotional, and this may manifest itself through tears. Again, it would be bad form to carry on and ignore her. Stop, hold her and talk to her for a few moments. She should calm down after this. From what she’s told you and her responses, you should be able to judge whether to continue or not.

She has her period

This doesn’t have to be a problem, depending on your attitude. Some men and women prefer not to have sex during this time, which for most women is three to five days every month. Others don’t mind it at all. For a woman, sex just before and during her period can be great because it alleviates a few classic PMS symptoms such as cramps and irritability.

During her cycle, a woman usually desires sex the most just before her period and during ovulation (about two weeks after her period). She usually feels less desire just after her period, but that won’t prevent her from having a great orgasm.

Toys

Toys have become more popular in the last decade or so, the theory being that in a world of increasing monogamy couples are buying toys to spice up their sex life. It’s not recommended that you whip out the props during your first night together, but here are a few things that you might like to introduce later to add to the fun.

The Vibrator

Many women, single and attached, swear by the vibrator as a guaranteed way to make themselves come. This can be because of the intensity of the vibrations, that she uses it alone and so is more relaxed with it, or because she knows how to position it on her body to arouse herself.

A vibrator can come in any shape, size and color, but the most popular usually resembles a man’ s penis. A woman’s desire for a vibrator should not make you feel as if you can’t please her; in fact, the best thing to do would be to operate it yourself on her. She’ll love it! Just be careful of over-stimulating her. Placing it directly on her clitoris may be too much.

Dildos

These are just like the penis-shaped vibrator, except they don’t vibrate. They are often made of softer material and can be used to penetrate a woman, giving the feeling of a real penis inside her. Many dildos are curved upwards to directly stimulate her G-spot. Some dildos have a harness for a man to strap on, enabling double penetration of her vagina and her anus. Another, the Accommodator, is tied around a man’s chin so her can give her head and penetrate her with the dildo at the same time.

As already mentioned, if you are interested in trying some toys, introduce them slowly and carefully. She may get the wrong idea and feel you believe the sex is boring and unsatisfying.

Food

Feeding each other in bed can stimulate your desire as well as your taste buds. It can be fun, messy and erotic all at once. Here is a list of the most seductive food:

-Strawberries
-Grapes
-Plums
-Chocolate (contains the same chemical your brain produces when you’re in love)
-Nuts
-Red wine, champagne, juice

Remember, don’t overwhelm your taste buds or have a meal first; you’ll feel bloated and tired. This is merely the appetizer!

Fantasy

As thoughts play a very important part in the female orgasm, most women have particular fantasies that turn them on. The joy of fantasies is they can be irrational, impossible, and private. They are also safe and harmless: she is in control and there are no repercussions.

She has probably been fantasizing about you since she first got to know you. A woman’s imagination is a powerful thing and whereas men’s fantasies tend to be more like snippets of a film: a breast, a quick threesome, women’s fantasies are usually quite intricate with a plot and dialogue. Not everyone likes to share their fantasies, however, so don’t pressure her into revealing hers. If she wants you to know, she may simply tell you one night, or you could gently ask her yourself.

Some people enjoy incorporating role-plays into their sex lives, such as the classic schoolteacher/naughty student performance. Some people like to dress up. Some enjoy bondage. Whatever you enjoy, play-acting can be a lot of fun, providing she feels comfortable with it.

(Note: “acting out” fantasies is usually the domain of couples who have been together for a while. Don’t whip out the handcuffs on your first night together! Fantasies should also be thought of as a spicy extra in your sex life: a great addition occasionally, but not to be depended on for a good time.)

Comedown: After Sex

I’m dedicating a whole section to this, because how you treat her after sex is just as important as during sex. You may think that if you’ve given her a great orgasm your work is done. You may roll over and slip into blissful, trouble-free dreams. Wait! Just as your physiological makeup differs from hers and makes your needs during sex slightly different, so it is after sex. Your body feels limp, and sleepy. All you want to do now is roll over. You’ve had sex, you wanted it like crazy and now it’s over you’re ready to think about something else.

It may not surprise you to hear that women are usually the opposite. They’re not sleepy, though their bodies feel very warm and relaxed, and their mind is still contemplating the sex. Their bodies are saying: “That felt really nice. I just had sex with someone and it was great, now I just need a bit of reassurance that he still cares about me and wasn’t just using my body.”

So if you roll over at this point and start snoring, her body says, “What?! He was just using me, he won’t even hold me for a minute!” She feels vulnerable and lonely. All you need to do to avoid this is hold her for 5-10 minutes, stroke her body a little bit (her neck, back, arms and face) and murmur a few reassuring things in her ear. It will mean a lot to her, and she’ll probably decide to sleep with you again, so make this a habit after sex.

After sleeping with the same partner for a while, you may be looking for new things to introduce to liven things up a bit, or just to share with her to deepen your relationship. In the next section, we will look at a few ideas for making great sex even better.

After the foreplay, during which she may or may not have come (and beware of obsessing and spending too long on something if she’s getting tired of it), it’s time for the main event. A woman doesn’t have to come during foreplay, the important thing is to try and make sure she comes before you. Otherwise she may be left feeling frustrated, used and unhappy.

The skillful lover is both masculine and feminine, having a gentle but firm touch and knowing what they want without being aggressive

It all comes down to thinking of her needs. For example, it’s easy to drift off into your own world during sex, but if you look into her eyes at regular intervals and kiss her face, you’ll make her feel cared about rather than if she’s being used. It’s small things like this that make all the difference to her.

There are many different sexual positions, and experimenting can be fun, but they aren’t always necessary for a woman to enjoy sex. The important thing to her is that she is treated well. Sexual acrobatics can result in bruises, rug burns and pulled muscles, rather than the tired, warm feeling that you want her to take away from your time in bed together.

Here are some of the most popular positions.


The Missionary Position (and how to penetrate)

This position has made a comeback after being scorned in the seventies for its traditional “man on top” philosophy. But it’s the position in which you’re most likely to experience simultaneous orgasm. At the very least, it’s a good position to start from.

The woman lies on her back, legs spread, while the man is above her with his weight balance on his arms and knees. Be careful of putting all your weight on her, as she won’t be able to breathe!

When you first enter her, do so slowly and gently. Tease her by swirling your penis around the outer and inner lips of the labia. Don’t rush this moment, as it can be one of real excitement and intimacy. Insert your penis slowly, one inch at a time, slowly.

It’s important you find a rhythm together moving as one, and you should try and adjust your speed to suit hers. If she accelerates, you accelerate. If she slows down, you slow down. Remember that often during sex the body responds intuitively, so go with the flow. For deeper penetration, wrap her legs around your neck or place a pillow under her hips.


Woman on Top

Many women prefer this position, as they’re more able to control speed and thrust. Being underneath doesn’t mean you should stop moving however, so move your pelvis in rhythm with hers.


Doggy Style

Here a woman is on all fours in front of you, while your torso is over her back and you take her from behind. While a lot of women love the stimulation this provides, and you are able to rub her clitoris with your fingers, some find it a bit impersonal as they can’t see your face. You can remedy this slightly by pulling her onto your lap and kissing her turned face while massaging her breasts. Also beware that men tend to come more quickly in rear-entry positions.


Posterior Slide-in Position

She lies on her stomach and you take her from behind, raising yourself up by leaning on your hands. If you put your hand under her pelvis, you can feel your penis thrusting inside her.


Chair Position

You sit on the chair and she sits on you. An extremely popular position again, as she can control the depth of thrust with her feet on the ground.


Spoon Position

You both lie sideways on the bed, your stomach touching her back. This position is very warm and comforting, as you snuggle up and you can touch her breasts and hug her.

These are only a handful of the possible positions you can enjoy. If you want some more ideas, try the Kama Sutra for some inspiration or, as mentioned above, you could try magazines such as Cosmopolitan, which regularly has features on new positions to try.


Sexual Technique

Once you’ve entered her try sliding in and out slowly, continuing to tease her. Many men go with the “wham-bam” style of thrusting hard and quick inside a woman, believing that this is what makes for great sex. Occasionally this can feel great for her, but only do it if she initiates it. Otherwise she can end up with a headache rather than an orgasm, or if she isn’t lubricated, a painful infection.

Check her face during sex. Is she wearing a smile of pleasure and a look of complete abandonment or wincing in pain? If the latter, slow down!
To avoid having intercourse when her vagina is dry (as it can be especially at certain times of the month), try using a water-based lubricant such as KY Jelly. KY also helps prevent pregnancy.


If she doesn’t orgasm

There will be times when she doesn’t orgasm. Some women report feeling performance anxiety in the bedroom, and, as it naturally takes them longer to orgasm and they feel pressure to come quickly, they feel unable to relax. A few women even fake orgasms to avoid the issue. This is dishonest and unfair to you both. To lower the pressure, remember to make sure you’re both relaxed and focused on the present enjoyment, not the final goal. Many women report that their best orgasms come when they’re not concentrating on it.
If you have been thoughtful and loving her lack of orgasm shouldn’t matter too much. It’s not all about orgasms, but the exchange of pleasure. However, if it doesn’t happen again and again, you have a problem, and you should talk to her about it.


Her Orgasm

Unlike men, women can come in a few different ways: via vaginal, clitoral or G-spot stimulation. Some women report being able to come just by having a massage, having their hair brushed, or hearing a sexy male voice in their ear, which reveals how important their psyche is in having an orgasm. Each type of orgasm feels different to a woman, and most agree that an orgasm during penetration is best. Unfortunately, not many women are able to come this way. In fact, many women find they can only orgasm through oral or manual stimulation. During sex, women prefer the positions that stimulate their clitoris.

If you’re lucky, your woman will already know what pleases her and be able to show you the way to make her come. Sadly though, many women don’t know their own bodies that well, but at least you can have the fun of trying things together.


How do you know if she’s come?

It varies from woman to woman, but when she orgasms there is usually some contracting in her vagina and anal region, as well as some undulations around her abdominal area.

Some moaning noises might come from her throat and her face and neck will be flushed. Her genital area will be engorged with blood and be a deep red/purple color. She may glisten with perspiration, her fingers may be spread and her heart rate and breathing will increase. Her nipples will be erect.

These are all signs of orgasm and she will have some or all of these signs.
Here’s some information about two intriguing things about women, the multiple orgasm and the G-spot.


Multiple Orgasms

One advantage women have over men is their ability to have orgasm after orgasm. The definition of a multiple orgasm is more than one orgasm during a single lovemaking session. But do not expect every woman to have them.

In order to have a multiple orgasm, the woman must be kept at what’s known as the “plateau” stage, the state just before orgasm. Allow a 10-30 second break between orgasms, then begin stimulating her gain before she starts “coming down” from her orgasm (some women need longer).


The G-Spot

The G-spot is located about three inches up the woman’s vagina, in the direction facing you, so away from the buttocks and beneath her stomach. It’s about the size of a small coin. If you imagine the navel is 12 o’clock, the G-spot is between 11 o’clock and 1 o’clock.

To find it, insert your (lubricated) fingers up her vagina and massage with the pads of your fingers. The G-spot does not protrude, but once she’s aroused it will swell up a little. You’ll know you’ve found it by her body language!

Before we move on to the post-coital comedown, here are some specific tips from women on what to do during sex:


Start slowly and build up the speed

Try moving your hips around in a circular motion. This stimulates all parts of her vaginal wall, covering her particular hot spots.


Make sure she is well lubricated

If you spend a long time having sex, she will most likely dry out. Make sure she’s comfortable; sometimes 45 minutes is long enough, sometimes 5 minutes is. Check with her that’s she’s doing okay.


Stay close to her clitoral area when thrusting

Circular movements and pelvic rocking work the best to stimulate her, not banging.

If you put her on top, she’s more in control and you can learn from her movements.

Stay inside her once you’re in, she likes that. Also, once you’ve found a rhythm and she’s close to orgasm, don’t change that rhythm!

What is a woman’s favorite part of sex? Is it the orgasm? No. Is it penetration? No. Is it having her nipples sucked? No.

Women report their favorite part of sex is foreplay. So what exactly is foreplay? It’s the kissing, touching and talking that comes before intercourse. All good seducers use foreplay, it’s necessary to ensure a memorable experience for her. In basic terms, the pleasure of foreplay lubricates her vagina to allow easy penetration for you, and brings her much closer to orgasm.

You will need to find out what your woman likes especially, and go from there. You should spend at least 15 minutes on foreplay, don’t rush it. As it takes her longer to get excited, she needs lots of kissing and touching first.

Here are some great things you can incorporate into foreplay.

Taking a Bath

This can be a great form of foreplay, especially if you’ve been seeing each other for a while. (Make sure the bath is clean and you won’t be interrupted!) The warmth of the water makes you both feel relaxed and also extra clean. You can put aromatherapy oils in the bath to create a nice scent and make you both a bit slippery. Bubble bath can also be a nice touch, you can cover each other in foam.

You can put some body wash on a bath sponge and gently squeeze it over her body, moving the sponge in a circular motion. She’ll love the warm water running over her.

Massage

Massage is a great prelude to lovemaking. It initiates touch, relaxes her and makes her feel warm. If you have the energy and skill, you can give her a full body massage. Otherwise, have her lying on her stomach and give her a basic neck and back massage.

Before you start, make sure you use some kind of oil to make your hands run over her smoothly. Also rub your hands together first to warm them.
Start gently, massaging the top of her shoulders with the tips of your fingers. Now move your thumbs up the top on her spine, on each side of her vertebral column, and up the back of her neck. Focus on her pressure points, being careful not to be rough but applying enough pressure so that you’re kneading her skin gently.

With her arms, work your way up from the hands, squeeze and release, squeeze and release. An important massage technique is symmetry, treating both sides of her body equally.

If you like handling a woman’s foot, women adore foot massages. Don’t squeeze her feet as this will push the bones together and hurt her. Instead, use your thumbs to gently knead each part of her foot.

If a man is a good masseur, a woman should be putty in his hands. When she’s feeling completely relaxed, you can let your touches become caresses and start stroking her in a more sexual way.

Touching and kissing her

Remember each body part is an erogenous zone, so don’t immediately start touching her between the legs. Always start with the kiss, and make sure you’re somewhere you won’t get interrupted (a ringing phone and the sound of your mother’s voice on the answer machine is a big turn-off).

Kiss her gently at first, with controlled passion. If she gives you her tongue, it means she’s turned on and wants to go further. Use your tongue a little bit (not forcing it into her mouth), and try sucking on her lips, one by one. When you know she’s with you, start kissing other parts of her face – eyes, ears, and cheeks. These kisses are very reassuring for her. Then move down to her neck.

Now you can start touching her. Touch is very important because it tells her how skilled you will be in bed. It also tells you more about the shape of her body and how far she’ll let you go. If she won’t let you feel her body, it’s not the time for sex. Start running your hands over her breasts, gently at first, and over the rest of her upper body.

You can start undressing her slowly, while not breaking the rhythm of your touching and kissing. If she’s especially confident she’ll undress you too.
Massage the palm of her hand and suck on her fingers, then kiss your way up her arm back to her mouth. Gently nibble on her earlobe, kiss her ear and every so often gently insert your tongue. Some women don’t like this but test her for her response because she may love it.

Now move your mouth down to her breasts. Suck on one nipple gently while massaging her other breast with your hand. After a while, change breasts. (Just before or during her period her breasts may be a bit tender, so you will need to be extra careful at this time.)

Hopefully by this time she is lying down on her back, her face flushed with pleasure and her eyes closed. Move your hand to stroke her stomach, then as you kiss her stomach move your hands down to start massaging her legs, her inner thighs and the sensitive bit of skin behind her knees. Stroke her calves, her ankles, massage her feet and suck gently on each of her toes. If she’s ticklish, adjust your pressure.

All the way through this you can be talking to her in a low voice, if you wish, asking her how things feel and telling her how beautiful she is. She’ll love it!

If you feel a bit grumpy about the fact you’re doing all the work at this stage, think of it as priming her for later. If you do this first bit right, she’ll think you’re fantastic and be more than willing to repay the favor later. Think about how much you want her to enjoy being with you, and how good she’ll feel when you’re having sex with her.

If you know a guy who brags about how many women he’s fucked, that’s exactly what he means. It wasn’t tender, it wasn’t thoughtful, and the women involved probably didn’t have such a great time. A man who’s had a lot of partners isn’t necessarily good in bed, just good at getting women to go to bed with him. You want the women you see to want to repeat the process! It’s much better than starting again at square one.

By now she should be very wet before you’ve even touched her vagina. When you do start touching her between the legs, don’t go straight for the clitoris. Instead, run your thumbs up and down her labia, and just insert a finger into her. Tease her and drive her crazy. She’ll probably start making movements with her hips, just dying for more. A sign a woman is aroused when you manually stimulate her vagina is the sucking motion it begins to make. You will feel the walls close in a little around your fingers.

When you do make it to her clitoris, as it’s hidden under a hood you need to expose it a little bit. Do this by pressing your thumb on one side of the clitoris, while pulling the hood back. Make short, sweeping motions over her clitoris.

If you have music playing in the background, a popular trick is to “dance” over her clitoris in time with the beat.

Oral Sex: Cunnilingus

A lot of women find it hard to orgasm during penetration, for a variety of reasons. Often it’s because her clitoris isn’t being stimulated, and one way of remedying this is to try lots of new positions. But another way to ensure she has a good time before you even have sex is by going down on her. The gentle, wet pressure of your tongue will send her into heaven.

This isn’t to say that women prefer oral sex to penetration (actually most women prefer to orgasm through sex because they say it’s more emotionally charged), but her orgasm will be different. Giving her oral sex will also take the pressure off your penis to “perform”.

If cleanliness is an issue for you or you don’t like the taste, bathe or have a shower with her beforehand. You could also try incorporating food with oral sex (more on food later), such as chocolate sauce or ice cream.

There are various ways to give her oral sex: with her standing up and you kneeling in front of her, with her on all fours and you behind her, with her bent over a table and you behind her, with her legs spread over your face as you lie down, or with her on her back and you between her legs. There is also the famous sixty-nine position, the top and tail treat where you simultaneously give each other head.

When going down on her, keep in mind that you don’t need to suck her like a vacuum cleaner or nibble at her like a woodpecker. This will hurt her. A lot of men also seem to believe that repeatedly flicking your tongue is what she wants you to do. No! Try to imagine you’re kissing her mouth. Then what you need to do is find a rhythm with your tongue; make circles, write the alphabet, whatever. Find out what she likes! What makes her groan with pleasure? The thing is to hold the rhythm or adjust it accordingly, depending on her body language. Most women like a bit of variety so don’t use the same rhythm every time, or she’ll get bored. The biggest turn on for a woman during oral sex is sensing your enthusiasm, so make sure you enjoy the experience too.

While you are kissing and licking her, occasionally slide your hands over her torso and breasts to stimulate them. You can also insert a couple of fingers into her vagina. Some women also like having their anuses played with. If she likes it, run your finger around the outer rim or gently insert your (lubricated) little finger inside her. If you do this, wash your hands before returning to her vagina, as the bacteria may cause infection.

A woman’s clitoris is very sensitive and its size varies from woman to woman. Don’t go directly for it; tease her a little, moving your mouth around her labia and sucking very gently. Most likely, just before she’s about to come, she will press her thighs against your head and place her hands on the back. When she comes, don’t remove your mouth during her orgasm.

Keep in mind that unlike men who have one orgasm and need a break, a woman can come again and again in quick succession. This isn’t to say that you should expect her to, or that she has to in order to feel satisfied. But if she’s come during oral sex, take a break of a minute or so and then continue with your lovemaking. She may come again when you’re inside her!

Before we look at the mechanics of how to treat her, here are three basic ways to be a winner between the sheets:

Communication

Fears, doubts, moods and thoughts can all be transformed through talking and a lot of tension can be dissolved. But communication is not only talking; it is body language, listening skills and vocal tones.

If you want to please her, the best way is to communicate with each other, and share what you enjoy

This doesn’t mean discussing it like a business meeting and drawing diagrams, it can be a simple as responding to her moans of pleasure. If she’s enjoying something, ask her if she wants it hard or soft for example. Realize that it doesn’t break the mood, it intensifies it. Women find a man who asks them what they want incredibly sexy.

Technique

This refers to your knowledge of her anatomy, as outlined in the first chapter, and how you use this knowledge. During sex you will utilize different positions, fantasies, toys, kissing, foreplay – and your technique will play an important part in all of them.
Attitude

Your attitude is everything in the bedroom, so think about what kind of attitude you want to convey. Your technique could be perfect, but if it’s delivered in a cold, robotic manner she won’t want to see you again.

Try being open-minded, playful and loving during sex and she’ll feel relaxed and pleased.

Before you actually have sex, you will also want to prepare for the moment it happens. Here are some tips:

Pre-sex Preparation

Read “girly” magazines such as Cosmopolitan. You may dismiss such magazines as a waste of time, but they contain invaluable tips for women on how to have great orgasms, and you can steal these ideas. If you’re embarrassed to buy them, you can subscribe or borrow a female friend’s copy.

A note about porn magazines: they can be useful to see how she looks between the legs, but they are misleading when it comes to pleasing women. These women are dressed and positioned in ways that will please men (the target buyers) and are often unrealistic. So don’t use them as inspiration for your sexual repertoire!

Candles are a good idea, because they create a soft lighting which will make her feel romantic.

Soft music (not Kenny G) will also add to the romantic atmosphere. Avoid aggressive sounds like Eminem – loud music may stir up excitement but not the right kind!

Some people like to burn incense to stimulate the sense of smell, but I don’t recommend it as it’s often quite strong, and anyway your own smells should be enough of a turn-on.

Create a feeling between you with sensual talk – compliment her on her body, for example. It relaxes her and makes her want you even more.

Make sure your house and bedroom are tidy when you bring her home! If your house is sloppy, she’ll equate this with you being sloppy in other areas, too. Have clean sheets on the bed and make sure you’re clean too, and smell good. Note: make sure your fingernails are short. You don’t want to scratch her, especially when your fingers are inside her.

Some alcohol can be a good idea, such as red wine or champagne. It relaxes you a bit, but beware of getting yourself or her drunk. It will affect decision making and coordination, leading to a less than successful night that you try to recall over your hangovers the day after.

Now you’re ready to get going, next post we’re going to go into the specifics of blowing her mind.

After meeting, talking, flirting, and kissing, you’re ready to take her to bed. You know what you want and what you enjoy, but just like attracting her, you want to know what she likes in bed. You want a bit of knowledge to ensure she has a good time. So here, all laid out for you, is the information you need to drive her crazy and have her coming back for more.

Women usually take longer to feel aroused than men, and the speed and intensity of her orgasm will depend on both physical and psychological stimulation. That’s why you will have to do more than have the right touch. You need to stimulate all her senses, as we shall see from this book.

Before we start on the specifics, however, you need to know a bit about where her pleasure points are, so you can use them when the time comes.

Her body

Here’s a quick anatomy lesson. When a woman parts her legs, the first thing you see is the vulva – the external lips of the vagina which are covered by pubic hair. Between the lips is the labia, a fold of skin which involves nerve endings, oil and sweat glands, and fatty tissue.

Because every female is different, the shape of the labia varies greatly. Sometimes it’s smooth, sometimes it has many folds, or the two sides can be uneven. The color varies depending on the woman and her level of sexual arousal.

The clitoris is located just below the point where the two lips meet, and is covered by the labia. It’s incredibly sensitive, and the sole reason for its existence is to receive sexual pleasure.

Slightly below the clitoris is the urinary opening. Occasionally, during an orgasm, a woman may ejaculate some fluid from this opening. The fluid is similar in appearance to sperm, but is less thick. Like sperm, the color varies and depends on diet, exercise, the time in her cycle and general health.

The entrance to the vagina is below the urinary opening and is a tube about three to four inches long and is incredibly flexible. When she’s aroused, her vagina will produce a fluid that allows your penis to slide in smoothly.

When you get the chance, study what she looks like between her legs, maybe when you’re going down on her. Seeing what she looks like will make you feel more in control about how she works, and less like you’re literally fumbling around in the dark.

This is all the information you need for now. Women often complain of men rubbing them raw, so hopefully this gives you an idea of where her sensitive bits are. Next we’ll look at how to treat them!

Imagine you’ve gone on a few dates. How you are doing at this stage will vary depending on your own goals and how far she’s let you go. Maybe you’ve kissed her a few times, maybe you’ve gone much further. There is no right or wrong amount of progress. But imagine some time has passed, and you still really like her. In fact, you like her more each time you see her. And she seems to like you a lot too. She sound pleased when you call, she always says yes when you ask her out.

If you’re starting to see each other regularly, this is the time to stop dating other people. You may have been dating a few women, to test the waters, have a good time and not get hurt, but if you really like her, you should close off other avenues, at least for now. You’d expect the same from her, wouldn’t you?

So you’re doing well so far, you’ve put real effort into her and it’s paying off nicely. How do you keep things going the way they are? The key is maintenance. Think of it like your car. If you don’t service your car regularly, it doesn’t work well. Your relationship is the same. You need to keep:

- buying her small, special gifts.
- writing her letters/emails.
- surprising her.

These things remind her that you appreciate her, you excite her, you intrigue her, you attract her.

Flowers

Here is a special section on flowers because they are such a good idea. You don’t have to give her a big expensive bunch. Just walk into a florist’s and tell them how much you are prepared to pay.

It’s an especially good idea to give her flowers just after you’ve slept with her. If you feel it’s a bit corny to hand-deliver them, you can always pay for them to be delivered by the florist. Attach a short note, such as, “Last night was fantastic. I can’t wait to see you again.” If you’ve slept together, chances of it happening again are greatly in your favor!

One warning about gifts and thoughtful gestures, though: don’t do the same things all the time. If you give her flowers every Friday, for example, she won’t appreciate them as much or feel special. If you make her coffee every morning, she’ll come to expect it and it won’t be a surprise. Remember passion comes from excitement, which you are providing with the occasional surprise.

To keep things working long term, apart from keeping the romance alive, you need to:

Keep listening to her when she wants talk about something

Support her in things she wants to do with her life

Maybe she wants to take up a new hobby, change her career. The longer you’re together, the stranger things like this feel for the partner. They sometimes feel like the other person’s moving away from them. But putting them down or trying to discourage them will only make them resent you. Encourage her personal growth and she’ll love you forever.

Keep your sanity by doing your “own thing” as well

Go out for a night with the boys, watch the odd sports game, play the odd Playstation game. She won’t resent it as long as it’s not every day.

Sacrifice a few things for the relationship

Inevitably people let a few things go for the sake of a long-term relationship. This shouldn’t include things that are really important to you, such as family or career. But if you’re accustomed to drinking with your mates every Saturday night, maybe give that a rest. If you have an impressive porn collection on display and regularly watch porn movies, perhaps cut down on that a bit. Remember she will also be making small adjustments for you. It’s inevitable when people spend a lot of time together that they will have to make a few modifications to suit the other person.

Maintain a sex life that keeps you both happy

If you don’t, you’ll inevitably start looking around at other women. If you stop having sex with her she’ll be like a friend and not a lover. Often, just making the effort to have hot sex is a turn-on in itself.

Things not to do in a happy long-term relationship

Don’t fight

Although the occasional blow-up is fine and the make-up sex is great, fighting regularly is tiring, degrading and pointless. You shouldn’t need to fight all the time.

Don’t lie

Women are often mysteriously attuned to lies so don’t do this. Women place enormous importance on trust, and if she can’t trust you then nothing else matters.
Obviously this doesn’t include “white lies” such as when she asks you if she looks fat in that dress and if you like her new leopard-skin shoes.

Don’t put her down

A lot of men do this without even realizing; they tease her about her lack of intelligence or patronize her. Be very careful about doing this. If you fall into the habit it will seem very natural to you while her feelings for you will completely disappear. The saddest thing is when women start to believe the put-downs and don’t have the confidence to leave. Is that the kind of relationship you want?

Don’t hold grudges

Occasionally she may be irrational or make the mistake, then ask you to forgive her. You may feel superior and refuse forgiveness, but think how this makes you look. She’s already apologized; now like a child you’re holding it over her head. She will respect you more for your adult behavior, which means you will forgive her and let it go. You will not bring it up in the future, again and again. How annoying would that be!

Conclusion

Follow the advice in this series, practice, make mistakes and learn from them, and you will be a great success with women. For information about pleasing her in bed, which I’m sure you want to do, see keep reading for part two of this series.