A very famous book came out in 2001, called The Art of Seduction, by Robert Greene. In it, he analyses history to discuss what he has isolated as the 24 most important seduction techniques. While some of them might seem a bit extreme, I think you’ll all agree they’re food for thought. Let us know if you find any useful!

1. Choose the Right Victim

Everything depends on the target of your seduction.  Study your prey thoroughly, and choose only those who will prove susceptible to your charms.  The right victims are those for whom you can fill a void, who see in you something exotic.  They are often isolated or unhappy, or can easily be made so—for the completely contented person is almost impossible to seduce.  The perfect victim has some quality that inspires strong emotions in you, making your seductive maneuvers seem more natural and dynamic.  The perfect victim allows for the perfect chase.

2. Create a False Sense of Security – Approach Indirectly

If you are too direct early on, you risk stirring up a resistance that will never be lowered.  At first there mist be nothing of the seducer in you manner.  The seduction should begin at an angle, indirectly, so that the target only gradually becomes aware of you.  Haunt the periphery of your target’s life—approach through a third party, or seem to cultivate a relatively neutral relationship, moving gradually from friend to lover.  Lull the target into feeling secure, then strike.

3. Send Mixed Signals

Once people are aware of your presence, and perhaps vaguely intrigued, you need to stir their interest before it settles on someone else.  Most of us are much too obvious—instead, be hard to figure out.  Send mixed signals: both tough and tender, both spiritual and earthly, both innocent and cunning.  A mix of qualities suggests depth, which fascinates even as it confuses.  And elusive, enigmatic aura will make people want to known more, drawing them into you circle.  Create such a power by hinting at something contradictory within you.

4. Appear to Be an Object of Desire – Create Triangles

Few are drawn to the person whom others avoid or neglect; people gather around those who have already attracted interest.  To draw your victims closer and make them hungry to possess you, you must create and aura of desirability—of being wanted and court by many.  It will become a point of vanity for them to be the preferred object of your attention, to win you away from a crowd of admirers.  Build a reputation that precedes you: If many have succumbed to your charms, there must be a reason.

5. Create a Need – Stir Anxiety and Discontent

A perfectly satisfied person cannot be seduced.  Tension and disharmony must be instilled in your targets’ minds.  Stir within them feelings of discontent, and unhappiness with their circumstances and with themselves.  The feelings of inadequacy that you create will give you space to insinuate yourself, to make them see you as the answer to their problems.  Pain and anxiety are the proper precursors to pleasure.  Learn to manufacture the need that you can fill.

6. Master the Art of Insinuation

Making your targets feel dissatisfied and in need of your attention is essential, but if you are too obvious, they will see through you and grow defensive.  There is no known defense, however, against insinuation—the art of planting ideas in people’s minds by dropping elusive hints that take root days later, even appearing to them as their own idea.  Create a sublanguage—bold statements followed by retraction and apology, ambiguous comments, banal talk combined with alluring glances—that enters the target’s unconscious to convey your real meaning.  Make everything suggestive.

7. Enter Their Spirit

Most people are locked in their own worlds, making them stubborn and hard to persuade.  The way to lure them out of their shell and set up your seduction is to enter their spirit.  Play by their rules, enjoy what they enjoy, adapt yourself to their moods.  In doing so you will stroke their deep-rooted narcissism and lower their defenses.  Indulge your targets’ every mood and whim, giving them nothing to react against or resist.

8. Create Temptation

Leave the target deep into your seduction by creating the proper temptation: a glimpse of the pleasures to come.  As the serpent tempted Eve with the promise of forbidden knowledge, you must awaken a desire in your targets that they cannot control. Find that weakness of theirs, that fantasy that has yet to be realized, and hint that your can lead them toward it.  The key is to keep it vague.  Stimulate a curiosity stronger than the doubts and anxieties that go with it, and they will follow you.

9. Keep Them In Suspense – What Comes Next?

The moment people feel they know what to expect from you, your spell on them is broken.  More: Your have ceded them power.  The only way to lead the seduced along and keep the upper hand is to create suspense, a calculated surprise.  Doing something they do not expect from you will give them a delightful sense of spontaneity—they will not be able to foresee what comes next.  You are always one step ahead and in control.  Give the victim a thrill with a sudden change of direction.

10. Use the Demonic Power of Words to Sow Confusion

It is hard to make people listen; they are consumed with their own thoughts and desires, and have little time for yours.  The trick to making them listen is to say what they want to hear, to fill their ears with whatever is pleasant to them.  This is the essence of seductive language.  Inflame people’s emotions with loaded phrases, flatter them, comfort their insecurities, envelop them in sweet words and promises, and not only will they listen to you, they will lose their will to resist you.

11. Pay Attention to Detail

Lofty words of love and grand gestures can be suspicious: Why are you trying so hard to please?   The details of a seduction—the subtle gestures, the offhand things you do—are often more charming and revealing.  You must learn to distract your victims with a myriad of pleasant little rituals—thoughtful gifts tailored just for them, clothes and adornments designed to please them, gestures that show the time and attention you are paying them.  Mesmerized by what they see, they will not notice what your are really up to.

12. Poeticize Your Presence

Important things happen when your targets are alone: The slightest feeling of relief that you are not their, and it is all over.  Familiarity and overexposure will cause the reaction.  Remain elusive, then.  Intrigue your targets by alternating an exciting presence with a cool distance, exuberate moments followed by calculated absences.  Associate yourself with poetic images and objects, so that when they think of you, they begin to see you through an idealized halo.  The more you figure in their minds, the more they will envelope you in seductive fantasies.

13. Disarm Through Strategic Weakness and Vulnerability

Too much maneuvering on your part may raise suspicion.  The best way to cover your tracks is to make the other person feel superior and stronger.  If you seem to be weak, vulnerable, enthralled by the other person, and unable to control yourself, you will make your actions look more natural, less calculated.  Physical weakness—tears, bashfulness, paleness—will help create the effect.  Play the victim, then transform your target’s sympathy into love.

14. Confuse Desire and Reality – The Perfect Illusion

To compensate for the difficulties in their lives, people spend a lot of their time daydreaming, imagining a future full of adventure, success, and romance.  If your can create the illusion that through you they can live out their dreams, you will have tem at your mercy.  Aim at secret wishes that have been thwarted or repressed, stirring up uncontrollable emotions, clouding their powers of reason.  Lead the seduced to a point of confusion in which they can no longer tell the difference between illusion and reality.

15. Isolate the Victim

An isolated person is weak.  By slowly isolating your victims, you make them more vulnerable to your influence.  Take them away from their normal milieu, friends, family, home.  Give them the sense of being marginalized, in limbo—they are leaving one world behind and entering another.  Once isolated like this, they have no outside support, and in their confusion they are easily led astray.  Lure the seduced into your lair, where nothing is familiar.

16. Prove Yourself

Most people want to be seduced.  If they resist your efforts, it is probably because you have not gone far enough to allay their doubts—about your motives, the depth of your feelings, and so on.  One well-timed action that shows how far you are willing to go to win them over will dispel their doubts.  Do not worry about looking foolish or making a mistake—any kind of deed that is self-sacrificing and for your target’s sake will so overwhelm tie emotions, they won’t notice anything else.

17. Effect a Regression

People who have experienced a certain kind of pleasure in the past will try to repeat or relive it.  The deepest-rooted and most pleasurable memories are usually those from earliest childhood, and are often unconsciously associated with a parental figure.  Bring your targets back to that point by placing yourself in the oedipal triangle and positioning them as the needy child.  Unaware of he cause of their emotional response, they will fall in love with you.

18. Stir Up the Transgressive and Taboo

There are always social limits on what one can do.  Some of these, the most elemental taboos, go back centuries; others are more superficial, simply defining polite and acceptable behavior.  Making your targets feel that you are leading them past either kind of limit is immensely seductive.  People yearn to explore their dark side. Once the desire to transgress draws your target to you, it will be hard for them to stop.  Take them farther than they imagined—the shared feeling of guild and complicity will create a powerful bond.

19. Use Spiritual Lures

Everyone has doubts and insecurities—about their body, their self-worth, their sexuality.  If your seduction appeals exclusively to the physical, you will stir up these doubts and make your targets self-conscious.  Instead, lure them out of their insecurities by making them focus on something sublime and spiritual: a religious experience, a lofty work of art, the occult.  Lost in a spiritual mist, the target will feel light and uninhibited.  Deepen the effect of your seduction by making its sexual culmination seem like the spiritual union of two souls.

20. Mix Pleasure and Pain

The greatest mistake in seduction is being too nice.  At first, perhaps, your kindness is charming, but it soon grows monotonous; you are trying too hard to please, and seem insecure.  Instead of overwhelming your targets with niceness, try inflicting some pain.  Make them feel guilty and insecure.  Instigate a breakup—now a rapprochement, a return to your earlier kindness, will turn them weak at the knees.  The lower the lows you create, the greater the highs.  To heighten the erotic charge, create the excitement of fear.

21. Give Them Space to Fall – The Pursuer Is Pursued

If your targets become too used to you as the aggressor, they will give less of their own energy, and the tension will slacken.  You need to wake them up, turn the tables.  Once they are under your spell, take a step back and they will start to come after your.  Hint that your are growing bored.  Seem interested in someone else.  Soon they will want to possess you physically, and restraint will go out the window.  Create the illusion tat the seducer is being seduced.

22. Use Physical Lures

Targets with active minds are dangerous: If they see through your manipulations, they may suddenly develop doubts.  Put their minds gently to rest, and waken their dormant senses, by combining a nondefensive attitude with a charged sexual presence.  While your cool, nonchalant air is lowering their inhibitions, your glances, voice, and bearing—oozing sex and desire—are getting under their skin and raising their temperature.  Never force the physical; instead infect your targets with heat, lure them into lust.  Morality, judgment, and concern for the future will melt away.

23. Master the Art of the Bold Move

A moment has arrived:  Your victim clearly desires you, but is not ready to admit it openly, let alone act on it.  This is the time to throw aside chivalry, kindness, and coquetry and to overwhelm with a bold move.  Don’t give the victim time to consider the consequences.  Showing hesitation or awkwardness means you are thinking of yourself, as opposed to being overwhelmed by the victim’s charms.  One person must on the offensive, and it is you.

24. Beware of the Aftereffects

Danger follows in the aftermath of a successful seduction.  After emotions have reached a pitch, they often swing in the opposite direction—towards lassitude, distrust, disappointment.  If you are to part, make the sacrifice swift and sudden.  If you are to stay in a relationship, beware a flagging of energy, a creeping familiarity that will spoil the fantasy.  A second seduction is required.  Never let the other person take you for granted—use absence, create pain and conflict, to keep the seduced on tenterhooks.

Let’s talk today about “sexting.” Sexting is really all about escalating. I am not trying to sound like a pickup artist, but when you’re dirty texting back and forth you really want to take the woman on a journey.

Think of sexting like a road heading into the mountains. The road starts out nice and flat, but you want to test things out ahead of time. You want to make sure your tires are sound and that the brakes will work.

So to do that, you will send something very simple like, “I had a thought…” If she takes the bait, she’ll text you back asking you what that thought was.

Then you can write, “Well, last night I had this dream about you…” When you do that, you’re testing a little bit to see if she goes for it. This is good, because if you really had a dream about someone, you would probably share it with that person in bursts (and not all at once).

You want to be able to take it slowly. Really, this is mental masturbation! If you can get her to mentally masturbate about the thought of you having sex with her, she’s going to want to sleep with you when you meet up. So you’re really just testing the road.

It’s also about being 100% in control. For instance, you can say something like, “Yeah, last night I learned about this new position, and it was really hot. So, how’s your trip to D.C.?”

It’s a giveaway-takeaway. You want to constantly give and take away from her.

The more you do that, the hotter she will become. You’re teasing her.

It’s really the same thing with sex. The guy who goes straight for the vagina and pounds away is not going to please the woman. The guy who massages, loves and cherishes the woman is the one who is going to get that woman totally hot.

It’s the same thing for sexting and for sex. Everything is about foreplay. Life is about foreplay.

Certain things are needed to push women over the brink of ecstasy. Try these sure-fire bedroom-tested strategies.

When I’m this close to orgasm—eyes squeezed shut, lips twisted in a Billy Idol sneer, cheeks glowing—the most descriptive word wouldn’t be “passionate” or “erotic.” It would be “determined.” Because right then, at the edges of my fading consciousness, I’m worried that the phone will ring, my knees will lose their traction on the sheets, or my boyfriend will change position, and suddenly I’ll be sliding away from that elusive peak instead of moving toward it. For the 75 percent of women who don’t always reach orgasm during intercourse, this happens all the time.

What we need is a fuse blower—that last shot of stimulation that blasts us into never-never land. “Calling it a fuse blower is pretty appropriate,” says sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. “Recent studies show that in order for a woman to achieve orgasm, the part of her brain associated with stress, emotion, and anxiety has to shut down.”

If you’re able to do something to a woman that feels so incredibly good that she completely relaxes and lets go, you’re highly likely to make that woman climax.
My friends helped me compile this list of orgasm triggers. Get her to the point where she’s sweaty and breathing fast, then try one.

THE DOUBLE GRIP

Despite all the attention her booty may attract when she’s walking down the street in tight jeans or bending over a file cabinet, a woman’s butt is too often sidelined during sex. And that’s why grabbing both of her cheeks when she’s on top may be just the unexpected turn-on a girl needs to get off.
“The buttocks are packed with nerve endings,” says Gilda Carle, Ph.D., a sex therapist in New York City. “To give her a surprising jolt of pleasure, spread your fingers wide and squeeze both buttocks firmly.”

But take it one step at a time. Yes, of course, there are women out there who crave a good spanking, but until you’ve had a conversation about this sort of thing—however playful you are—just keep it simple.

THE UP SHIFT

It was Rachel, my favorite sorority sister in college, who told me about this trick: “When a guy is on top of you in the missionary position, have him shift his body slightly forward so that, every time he thrusts, his penis rubs against your clitoris.” Yes, Rachel really talked like this, and yes, college was fun.
This tactic is even more orgasmic if the woman’s legs are together and the man’s are straddling her. “It increases clitoral stimulation,” says Ellen Friedrichs, M.A., an adjunct professor of human sexuality at Rutgers University. You can achieve the same effect when she’s on top by propping yourself up on your elbows, which places your abdomen in closer contact with her sweet spot.
 
THE ULTIMATE

There’s no question that clitoral contact is the ultimate fuse blower. But how—and how much—depends on the woman. “Going down on a woman allows you to get a real sense of the stimulation she likes at every stage of arousal, especially the final one,” says Kerner, who wrote a whole book on the subject: She Comes First. It also eliminates any performance anxiety she has during intercourse, so she can kick back and enjoy.

Learn what she likes. Get between her legs and give her a solid base of lips, tongue, gums, and even chin to rub against. At first, use your hands to guide her hips to let her know you want her to do the grinding. When she takes over, note how hard she’s pushing and in what direction. Use that information later when using your fingers or giving her a more aggressive tongue bath.

THE DROP TRICK

Steady clitoral contact is essential to female orgasm. But without adequate lubrication, it can become uncomfortable.

“Lubrication increases the comfort and speed with which you can penetrate the vagina and grind against the clitoris,” says Friedrichs. “But sometimes, no matter how turned on a woman might be psychologically, she can have trouble getting wet.”

Try a couple of drops of lube on the end of your tool. Then thrust with short, rhythmic strokes while pressing your body against her pubic mound. Don’t use too much lube or it’ll feel like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

Consider Astroglide lube. Astroglide lubricants are formulated and tested according to the highest standards and come in a wide variety of styles, and flavors.

THE NECK WARMER

Our necks are highly responsive touch pads—the skin is thin, and the blood vessels are close to the surface. Psychologically, it can remind some women of “their first sexual experiences, which could make it even more exciting,” Friedrichs says. No hickeys, please: Don’t suck.

When you’re having sex and she’s clearly moving toward orgasm, brush your lips from her collarbone to her jaw, then give her neck big, warm kisses until she comes unhinged.

THE PLAY-BY-PLAY

For a verbal girl—and there are a lot of us out here—a string of four-letter words whispered in the heat of the moment can work wonders.

“Start by complimenting her or talking about how good what you’re doing feels,” advises Friedrichs. If she doesn’t say anything back, she might not be into it. If she responds with “Oh, yeah” or a similarly enthusiastic phrase, she wants more.

“Nothing makes me hotter than when he describes what he’s doing to me in explicit language,” says my friend Lana. “But I’m picky—there are certain terms that drive me wild, and others that make me cringe.”

Build a glossary: A goofy conversation over drinks about which anatomical nicknames are the sexiest isn’t a bad idea. And if she ever seems horrified by what comes out of your mouth, just say, “Sorry about that, I got carried away.”

Final note: Skip cheerleader comments like “C’mon baby, you can do it!”

THE DREAM MACHINE

“It’s a simple fact that some women can climax only by using a vibrator,” says Friedrichs. If your partner never hits her high note, no matter what you try, simply ask her if she’s ever had a battery-assisted orgasm. If she says no, introduce her to a whole new world of wow by ordering something small but powerful, such as a Vibrating Touch Massager.

If she’s over the age of 30, her answer will probably be yes, and she’ll be more than happy to pull her Magic Wand out of her bedside drawer. After asking what pressure and speed she prefers (many vibrators have several settings), all you have to do is hold the vibrator against her clitoris as you move from one position to another. Enjoy the magic show.

Have you ever looked at men who can get any girl they want and wondered, “how do they do it?” Yes, females are attracted to power and status. Yes, they are attracted to symmetrical features, strength and confidence. But we all know there are some unattractive, not-so-powerful guys who many women swoon over. Here are some of their secrets.

Steps

• Manage your image. Before you can seduce a girl, you must have a good, positive image. Make friends and be charming with every one you come in contact with. Never hesitate to tell one person what you admire about another, as it will eventually reach that person and appear undoubtedly genuine. Never argue (arguing is anti-seduction). No girl can resist a guy whom everyone likes, unless she’s the type to rebel against popular opinion just because it’s popular opinion (in which case the remainder of the steps will probably wear her down).




• Subtly reveal your sexual side. If you cannot insinuate, skip this step. When you talk about sex, say it in a way that Shakespeare would approve of. For example, “Sleep is my second favorite thing to do in bed” or “my neighbors are noisy during the day, but that’s okay because they put up with me at night.”




• Do the opposite of what other guys do. If the girl is drop-dead gorgeous, ignore her. After hearing about your rakish reputation, she will wonder why you are not attracted to her. If other guys ignore her, shower her with the attention she has been craving.




• Hint that other girls like you. Women hold each other’s opinions very highly and they get jealous easily.




• Speak seductively. Never start a conversation focused on work, school, MySpace, family, TV shows, or other everyday things. Never talk about yourself. Talk about exotic vacation spots, mythology, sex (sometimes), history, astrology, dreams, fate, and anything else pleasurable and intangible. Don’t express any opinions except for your preference for pleasurable things and for things that she likes. Keep a powerful gaze while talking about these things. The eyes are very important.




• Never apologize. And never worry when you talk with a girl. Iit will be written all over your face and interpreted as a sign of timidness, which, for most girls, is a turn-off.




• Show strategic weakness (optional). This step is optional, but it will speed up the seduction. If you naturally come off as weak, skip this step. For more masculine guys, a flash of weakness and sensitivity will make you seem honest, romantic, harmless, and more akin to a girl’s idea of “the one.” All girls are frightened of guys on some level. The more feminine and skittish the girl is, the more necessary this step is. The key to performing this step correctly is to bend the truth. Don’t talk about breakups or events that you really are sensitive about. As with dancing, it is your job to lead. Don’t lead her into a depressing discussion topic. Add a masculine angle to feminine subjects. A good idea would be to say, “yeah, I watched The Notebook. I liked how he didn’t give up hope after he saw her with the other guy.”




• Give her plenty of space. Neediness and smothering are unattractive qualities. There are bound to be things about you that she doesn’t like. Give her time to forget about those things and fantasize about the good things you have to offer.




• Make her laugh. When a woman laughs, she feels more relaxed and lowers her defenses (and inhibitions).




• Touch her. Reach for her hands, hair, shoulders, ankles, and back. Don’t just always wait for her to do it first. If she doesn’t like it, she’ll definitely let you know. But touching someone communicates to them that you find them attractive, and also that you’re reasonably confident. Both of these things can make someone feel more attracted to you.




• Make her feel irresistible. Try it by telling her something seductive, starting with rejection of this desirable thing – ex. “Please don’t wear short skirt tonight, as I will not resist the temptation!” or something like that “Don’t touch me like that. I like it more than I should.” She’ll probably keep doing it (consider it a form of reverse psychology).



And that should be enough to get you well underway. Go forth and conquer!

Great infographic from our friends at TheirToys. Revenge is sweet. Having your balls clawed: not so much.

Click through for the full awesomeness.

For years, the clitoris was considered the only trigger for the female orgasm. Alas, even finding the clitoris turned out to be a daunting task for many men, and things didn’t get any easier in 1950 when a physician by the name of Dr. Ernst Grafenberg found an even more mysterious female pleasure spot hidden within the vagina.

This area became popularized by sexologists in the 1980s as the “G-spot.” It turns out that stimulation of the G-spot produces a very powerful kind of female orgasm; and in some women, it even produces female ejaculation, colloquially known as “squirting.”

For both of these reasons, finding, stimulating and discovering how to master the woman’s G-spot has become, for both men and women, the Holy Grail of female pleasuring.

what exactly is the g-spot?

It is the bean-shaped, spongy tissue of the paraurethral gland, which is analogous to the male prostate. The actual area is only about the size of a quarter, but it feels rougher to the touch than the surrounding tissue. Because the G-spot is composed of erectile tissue, it swells up when blood rushes to it — especially if you learn how to master the woman’s G-spot effectively.

It is located about one to two inches back from the vaginal opening inside the front vaginal wall. The “front” wall is the wall of the vagina on the same side as her belly button.

the best way to find the g-spot

First of all, the G-spot is easiest to locate when a woman is sexually aroused, so don’t stint on your foreplay first. (You knew I would get that in!)

To locate and master the woman’s G-spot, face your partner while she is lying on her back and insert your index or long middle finger into her vagina as far as it will easily go. Then crook it up toward yourself in a “come hither” motion, sliding your fingertip along the top of the vagina until you find an area that is rougher than the rest of that vaginal wall. (Make sure you have your fingernails clipped short and buffed before you do this — sharp fingernails will definitely spoil the effort.) This rough or slightly ridged area is the “G-spot,” and touching it will often cause a woman to react with surprise or pleasure.

If you don’t get a reaction, don’t be too shy to ask her if she feels especially sensitive when you touch what you think is the spot. You may need to use a fair amount of pressure to find the G-spot because it is located within, not on the outside of, the vaginal wall.

Sometimes it helps to use your other hand on the outside of the mons pubis (the hairy area above the pubic bone) to lightly massage the skin in the area where your crooked finger is touching to intensify the effect. And since not all women are G-spot sensitive, don’t get discouraged if you can’t get a special reaction.

While some women are capable of multiple orgasms with repetitive stimulation of the G-spot, others don’t get much of a feeling and some even feel discomfort from G-spot stimulation.

No worries — every woman will appreciate the attention and the effort! And while searching, you might discover other areas in her vagina that she responds to even more enthusiastically.

tapping into love

The best way to manually stimulate the G-spot is with a firm “tapping” motion with your crooked finger. Some guys find it easier to stimulate the G-spot with various toys. Any dildo can be used for this, but the ones that are best suited for G-spot stimulation are hard and curved. Many are made specifically for G-spot stimulation, as their length, width and curve are specifically designed to take the “guesswork” out of G-spot stimulation.

Even women who do not enjoy manual stimulation of the G-spot may enjoy penile stimulation of the spot during intercourse. So, if your penis has a natural upward bend, you’ve got it made. Other men have to find positions that maximize penile contact with the front wall of the vagina. The “woman on top” positions and posterior (doggy style) positions are best for achieving that contact.

The only way to get G-spot stimulation in the missionary position is to prop her hips up with pillows (or with a special wedge known as “The Liberator”). Women can also intensify their ability to have G-spot orgasms by learning to contract their pelvic muscles, known as Kegel exercises.
sex gets better with age

There is some evidence that the intensity of a woman’s G-spot orgasm is mediated by the hormone estrogen. Most young women under 30 find clitoral orgasms to be more powerful because, due to their relatively high estrogen levels, their vaginal lining becomes too thick to allow direct stimulation of their G-spot nerves.

As the estrogen level begins to decline in women during their 30s, the vaginal lining becomes thinner and the G-spot becomes more accessible. That’s why most women feel that they begin to peak sexually in their early to mid-30s.

Let’s be honest: Good-looking women in the 21st century have the world by the balls. That’s because for very attractive women men are puppets, sex is available on demand and money flows to them from male wallets in a never-ending stream.

Without lifting a finger, very attractive women enjoy lives that most people can only fantasize about.

For men, the lure of dating very attractive women is obvious. They are arm candy, boost self-esteem, increase social status among men, multiply a guy’s sexual desirability, and, seriously, hot women are just nice to look at. While all of this is well and good, very attractive women have a set of qualities that are unfortunately common. They can be shallow, self-centered and self-absorbed, not to mention selfish and manipulative.

Despite these drawbacks, very attractive women are what most guys look for. Since these women are bombarded by male attention, they can afford to be selective about the men they date, which usually lands them some dude with money first and good looks second.

Is there any hope for you if you don’t have extremely good looks or lots of cash? Well, you might be able give yourself a decent shot if you’re willing to make a couple of shifts in your dating strategy and take our advice on dating very attractive women.

The key to success with dating very attractive women is to be different. Beautiful women have heard it all, so if you want a chance at very attractive women, you’re going to have to do something different.

Here are a few ideas around what it takes to date very attractive women:

Treat her like she’s nothing special

Talk to her like you would any other person. Don’t act awestruck by her looks, don’t gush out compliments and never stare at her with lust. Reduce the intimidation factor, be debonair and seem aloof, as if you don’t care about her looks. Whatever you do, don’t assume she doesn’t want to talk to you. Dating very attractive women requires you to almost seem indifferent.

Don’t hit on her

This is what she expects from the typical guy, so just make like you’re ignoring her. This is a great technique to use if you run into very attractive women on a routine basis at work, a coffee shop or a health club. If you don’t give her any attention — while openly paying attention to other women — she won’t be able to stand it because you’ll be the only guy within a hundred miles who isn’t drooling over her. With luck, she’ll be intrigued. Avoid pickup lines at all costs.

Tease her

Very attractive women can sense fear and insecurity the way a moth smells pheromones, so be light, fun and entertaining. Boyish charm can take you a long way with these women — many of the great-looking guys they date can be seriously personality-challenged.

Talk about her interests & passions

Stimulate her mind, as other guys probably don’t. Show interest in her intellect and make her comfortable. Play on your good aspects and not your looks — but don’t lie to impress her.

Don’t compliment her

Don’t put her on a pedestal, where she usually sits with other men. If you do give her a minimal compliment, follow up with something off-putting. Tell her, for example, that she’s wearing a nice dress, and that your sister has the same one. This says she has good fashion style, but that she’s not entirely original.

Tell her she’s not up to your standards

Tell her you’d like to ask her out, but she’s just not up to your usual standards (watch her jaw hit the floor). If you really want to throw her, steal her thunder and tell her that you think you should be just friends.

Wait a little while to call her

If you get her phone number, wait at least a week to call her — and then tell her you’ll try to fit a date with her into your schedule.

Don’t push for sex

She knows she’s got the goods, so when you’re out with her, she expects you to be a horndog. Make her wait and it will drive her crazy.

Run hot & cold

If you haven’t gone out with her yet, be extremely friendly, and follow it up with a period of aloofness. Or date her a couple of times, then drop her cold (with every intention of starting back up again). She’ll be stunned.

Keep her guessing

The idea is to keep her off-balance, intrigued and guessing — make her want to spend time with you just because you’re so different from any other guy out there. Just remember: Don’t let your guard down and go wimpy on her — the very second she thinks she’s in control of you, it’s all over. So by being different, by bringing a little refreshing change into the life of very attractive women, you might be surprised — it might just be the breath of fresh air she’s been looking for. Sure, it’s no magic charm, and it’s certainly not going to work every time. Trying to score a date with very attractive women is definitely a numbers game. But all it takes is one, and if you pull it off, you’re in for the sweetest ride of your life.

What You Need To Know

• Between the ages of 18 and 23, women fall in and out of love every five minutes – beware.
• You can date young women, but don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Date other girls simultaneously
• Until she grows up, it’s not likely she’ll stick around for the long-term.

This week, a reader questions the age gap between him and his love interest. Is dating young women setting yourself up for relationship failure?

Reader’s Question

Hey Doc,

Lex

Response

Hi Lex,

It was a big mistake to reprimand Valerie when you two kissed for the first time. You insulted the girl, Lex. You don’t tell a girl she’s too young or too old. In fact, like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “You never tell a girl she’s too anything.” You just smile, and go right on kissing her. That’s what a smart guy would do.

And you never should have lied to Valerie’s mum. Who did you think you were fooling? Yes, the relationship is proper, but the odds of it lasting are really, really horrible.”

The fact that Valerie cooks for you and paid when you went out to dinner shows that she’s a Giver. This is a wonderful trait, but she’s much too young for you in terms of life experience. If she were 24, 25 or 26 there would be hope for the two of you, because she would know something about herself and life, but she still has to go through the ages of 19, 20 and 21, which are the years when people first start to figure out which end is up and which is down. In other words, she’s still got a lot of growing up to do. And that’s not a good thing for you.

That said, it’s smart that you’re trying to get to know Valerie before taking the plunge with her. And you hit it right on the head there, pal: You have to find out what’s between her ears. Maybe you’ll make the lucky discovery that you have a girl you can date for four years and she won’t be flaking out on you over something every other day. But I doubt it, because the odds are against it — and I’m an odds-maker.

Your mum and dad are one of the rare cases where a big age difference has not mattered in the relationship. But you can’t rely on the rare cases as an indication of what is likely to happen. You have to look at the majority of cases. And if you do, you’ll see that you’re not going to have this girl when she’s 23. Between the ages of 18 and 23 Valerie has so much maturing to do that you’ll be lucky if you can get through one year with her. Because, like the great Doctor Freud once said, “At the age of 18, a girl falls in and out of love every five minutes.” As far as your best friend is concerned, a friendship is not the same as a romantic relationship, so you can’t make a valid comparison between the two.

Solution: Date Multiple Women

What do I think you should do? If you’re smart, you’ll date this girl and date other girls at the same time. And, most importantly, you can’t allow your interest level in Valerie to get too high! So keep your interest low, Lex. Like my cousin says, “Don’t lose control of yourself, dawg. You’re goin’ out with a little girl.”

Yes, the relationship is proper, but the odds of it lasting are really, really horrible. And who cares what other people think? If this girl is good-looking, likes you and she’s of legal age, that’s all that counts. Just make sure you check her ID card, soldier.

Remember, guys: until she grows up, she can’t possibly keep you.

(Some Men Really Need To Read This)

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “… to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

When you go to bed with a woman for the first time you can experience ‘first night nerves’; and do and say things that you’d have never imagined. Even the most experienced men can make mistakes. So use the tips below to master first-time sex and keep her coming back time and time again

It takes time
Guys tend to be caught up on the three date rule – but forget about it; all girls are different. Some girls will go to bed with you on the first date if they feel the sexual chemistry is there; while many others will want to wait for eight or more dates. Just because you don’t get any on the third date, it doesn’t mean that she’s not into you. Be patient and read the signs, she will drop hints when she’s ready to sleep with you. Watch out for the first time that she creates total privacy for the pair of you –that’s a good indicator that she is ready to take the next step.

Only fools rush in
When you get the green light, don’t just rush in and get down to business. Shower your new lover with kisses to show her that you enjoy being intimate with her and that it’s not all about the sex. During this ‘make-out session’ alternate soft kisses with more passionate ones and trace the line of her neck with your lips.

Tantalise her
Next you’ll want to direct you attention to the rest of her body; stroking her back, stomach, breasts, inner thighs and buttocks. Spend about 15 minutes kissing and caressing these sensitive areas before moving your focus to her genital region. Trace your hand along the outside of her hips, slowly working your way between her legs. By this time she should be aroused and ready for the attention you are about to lavish on her clitoris.

Lip service
Most women enjoy a little lip service, and for some it is the only way they can orgasm. So if you’re receiving encouragement, kiss your way down and spend some time south of the border. At first use your tongue to gently explore her labia and then barely touch her clitoris. Stop, and kiss her inner thighs to let the anticipation of your next move wash over her.

The main event
When you are both ready you can move onto the main event. The first time that you have sex with a new partner isn’t the time to showcase all of your favourite advanced positions from the Kama Sutra. So keep it fairly tame at first and adopt easier positions. Remember that most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, so stroke that little sweet spot as you simultaneously enter her. First time sex is about quality and not quantity, it’s neither a marathon nor a sprint – in general women are looking for about ten to twenty minutes of intercourse.

Have a postcoital plan
If you are into this girl then it’s important to have a postcoital plan; so you don’t look like a jackass who is only interested in one night stands. As a general rule women like about 20 minutes of closeness after sex; this can be anything from cuddling to laying and holding hands while chatting. You just need to devote some attention to her to show that you’re not just there for the sex. And don’t underestimate the importance of following up with a quick phone call the next day. Despite what you might think, it won’t look needy, she’ll appreciate that you took the initiative to call and still feel wanted.

Women will gauge your performance during first time sex and use it to determine if you have relationship potential. So using these tips should help you blow your ladies mind and secure many more repeat performances with her. Good luck!

Been to a swinger’s party before? Worried about how you ought to behave? Here are some tips to maximise your enjoyment and help you to have the bestc hance of being invited back to another!

Arrive and leave as a couple Always arrive as a couple, and leave, it wont be viewed favourably if one partner leaves early and the other stays, the majority of time, if one goes, both go.

Arrive on time It’s not fashionable to turn up late to parties, as the night may have already got underway, and you may make people who have already began feel awkward walking in late, it may also be harder for you to fit in. If you are going to be late, maybe due to traffic, give the host a ring and check with them, they may update you on how the night is going so you may walk straight into it.

Be polite The swinging lifestyle is full of insecurities and uncertainties. Being polite may help ease this. Treat people in the way you want to be treated; sensitively, thoughtfully, understandingly.

Be friendly Be friendly with every one, even if you do not want to take it further with them, you may find you have other things in common, or they may introduce you to people who you are interested in.

Reply to all invitations Reply to all invitations, even if you do not plan to attend. It is very annoying when you’re the host, if you do not know how many people are going to turn up. Reply by either by a phone call or a letter, thanking them for an invite.

Don’t arrive empty handed Phone the host and ask them if there’s any thing you may bring, always arrive with something for the hosts.

Go prepared Take with you what ever you may need, toothbrush, comb, perfume/aftershave, Condoms, robe etc. If you’re sleeping over night then a sleeping bag and pillow.

Neat casual clothing and good grooming Always take a robe or negligee with you, you may find it more comfortable as the evening progresses. Keep money, jewellery and other such valuables at a minimum, it’s an embarrassment to you and your hosts if you lose them

Your health and hygiene The main thing that may turn your potential partners off may be bad breath or body odour. Have a shower before you leave for your party, and it’s a good idea to freshen up when you get there.

Only do what is fun for you The whole idea is that you enjoy your self, that’s why you are in the lifestyle. Do not be pressured into doing any thing you do not want to, with any one you do not want to, always say no if you do not want to.

How and why to say no The most basic and important swinging etiquette is the right to say no. A simple and polite No, thanks is all that is required. You do not need to explain, as this may cause problems and hurt. Do not be afraid to say no, every one has the right, and if you do end up doing things you do not want to it may cause more ill-felling and embarrassment.

Do not be pushy If you fancy swinging with someone let them know in a nice, inviting way, if they say no, it is up to them. Do not ask them why, as this could be embarrassing and hurtful. If they say no, do not carry on and try to sweet talk them and flirt with them, as this may do a lot more harm than good.

Alcohol Most people like a few drinks at a party, drinking socially is fine, it may provide a good social platform to get to know people, it may also help you relax. Overindulging is not a good thing though, as it may hinder for physical and mental performance, and is a turn off for many people. If you need to drink heavily to participate in the party this isn’t the lifestyle for you.

Practice safer sex It is up to you to protect your self and your partner. The use of condoms should not offend any one, it is not saying your dirty, it is simple a means to protect all parties involved. Anyone not maying to use a condom is selfish and irresponsible. How ever, saying that, if all participating people are happy not to, it may be down to your discretion.

Do not take someone to a party who is not fully informed This is an obvious one, don’t take any one to a party who doesn’t know what there going to, it is very embarrassment for every one, and probably may cause problems.

Do not take a ticket to a swinger’s party A ticket is someone who goes with you to the party just to get you in, but has no intention swinging, of course no one HAS to swing, but if one person swings, it is normally expected that the other one is maying to swing.

The group room is for group swinging As the name suggests, the group room is for group swinging, if you want privacy do not go to the group room, if you take your partner with you into the swinging room you may expect others to ask to join you, obviously you still have the right to refuse.

Do not disturb the swinging enjoyment of others If you’re in a bedroom or the group room, do not disturb the swinging of others with prolonged talk. This may be very mood-destroying and very annoying!

If a party is BYO, only drink what you bring BYO, also known as BYOB (bring your own booze), only drink what you bring, unless you have the permission from others.

Do not be a bedroom cruiser Do not walk into bedrooms, peel back curtains, turning on lights etc. Accidents do happen, and this isn’t a problem, but if you become known for such behaviour then you may find that you won’t receive many invites in the future.

Enjoy yourself Probably the most important one, approach every thing with an open mind and positive attitude, act out your fantasies, and enjoy your self.

Tell the hosts If someone is causing a problem, if they are not taking no for a reply or they are being abusive, tell the hosts, they may be more than maying to help.

Call to say thanks Always call or write to say thanks, for one thing it may get you invited again, and it may let the hosts know that they provided a good party.

Ah yes, CSBF. It can save your life, save your sanity, allow you to relax, and cause you to seem less desperate. But is it healthy? Let’s investigate a little further. First off, for those of you unfamiliar with the term, CSBF= Casual Sex Between Friends. On with the pro’s.

Pro’s:
- Sex
- Drunken silly meaningless sex
- Hot drunken silly meaningless sex
- Having a friend to talk to
- He leaves when it’s done
- Being able to relax during sex and do things you would normally never do for fear of not being a “good girl”
- Calls at 1am (either way)
- No strings attached
- Being able to date without the sex urge, so you can get to know someone knowing you can always “get it” when you need it
- Avoiding giving off an aura of desperation
- Did I mention hot sex?

Con’s:
- Possible emotional attachment from either party
- He leaves when it’s done (sometimes a girl just needs a good cuddle)
- The ability to do things you wouldn’t normally do
- Guilt after (although I have never felt this so let me know how that feels)
- Calls at 4am
- No strings attached also means either party can walk away at any given point, leaving the other high and dry
- Having possible relationship interests find out about it (trust me: not fun)
- The feeling that “this is the best I can get, for now”
- Coming in second place
- Possible loss of friendship
- Having to deal with the fact that there might be others (jealousy factor for both)

As you can see, both lists are weighty. And yes, as I do have CSBF on occasion I find myself leaning more toward the “pro” list. I have been able to have a lot of fun, with very very close male friends, who believe it or not, remain very close friends. It is essential in this situation to make sure the ground rules are clearly set out from the get go. If you expect to go out in public with this person, for a drink, a movie, dinner or what have you, make that clear from the beginning. If however, the late night booty call is perfectly acceptable to you and him, then have fun with it, and feel no need for guilt!

In this world of trying to find someone with whom we feel a deep, long lasting connection with (mainly in vain) it is nice to have someone on “standby,” you know, for those nights when you feel like you are the only single girl in the world; you don’t feel sexy; you feel dejected and let down by the dating world in general. It can be an extraordinary ego boost, if approached as such. Who doesn’t need a good ego boost, (with a bonus orgasm), every once in a while?

If I finally find someone who I connect with on a much more “relationship” level, my friend and I have an agreement that our visits are over. He is fine with that, although he dreads the day, and I guess a wee part of me does too.

Oh I know what you’re thinking now, “Why aren’t you with this guy?” It’s a long story but suffice to say, I know what I want in a relationship, and I know he can’t give me what I want and need. Except for this. He gives me love and friendship, and a damn fine time. So that’s the way it is. We both know it. Neither one of us is “in love” with the other, however we love and respect each other as friends, and always will.

So, I say go for it! Why be lonely? Why be miserable? But most importantly, why be horny?

Oh, and this should go without saying but always play safe. You never know how many casual sex friends the other has in their life!

Nightclubs and bars are places conducive to picking up women who tickle your fancy. Part of the reason for that is that they’re places where women expect to be hit on, and so they’re not totally averse to the notion. Add to that the mood, lighting, and hazy glow associated with a little alcohol and you have a situation where you’ve got a better chance of picking up a woman than almost anywhere else. Plus (unless you know the woman is club-hopping) you’re likely to have most of the night available to win your target over. Here are 10 solid tips to help you on your way.

1. Display your interest

Before approaching your target, signal your interest by catching her eye or making an approving glance to gauge her reaction to you. Check out her reaction. Unless it’s overtly negative, keep letting her know from afar that you like what you’re looking at.

2. Lock in on your target

Scan the club and see if anyone catches your eye. If you see more than one woman who might make a good target, give precedence to one who is by herself, or at least with fewer companions. Observe her discreetly for awhile before making a move. You might pick up some information you can use later, either as a conversation starter or to avoid potentially awkward silences.

3. Territorial reconnaissance

Explore the club. Decide on the best location to plant yourself. Don’t put yourself too far away from the action. This could be at the bar, which will give you the opportunity to befriend the bartender, in the hope that he or she will give you priority service later on. Hopefully this will mean that while everybody else has to wait an inordinate amount of time, you can impress your target with the quick service you receive thanks to the groundwork you put in. Wherever you choose to be, make sure it is somewhere with good visibility that is centrally located; you don’t want to have to walk from one end of the place to another when you see someone you like.

4. Be direct

Women like to be credited with some intelligence. They know you’re hitting on them, so at least be upfront about it. Either ask her directly whether she’s alone and if she’d mind some company, or, if you have any flirt-game, ask her a question that requires a response. Even if she doesn’t respond the way you’re hoping, or doesn’t agree to your request, you can always use a little self-deprecating humor to save face. Say that you’ll just be on your way to the bathroom to cry for an hour because she’s crushed your burning romantic dream. She may appreciate your wit and ability to laugh at yourself, and change her mind.

5. Don’t waste time

If you wait too long to approach her you risk someone else getting there first. Don’t fear rejection. The worst thing that can happen is that she doesn’t respond to you. This happens to all men, the thing is not to let it stop you from continuing to try. It’s a numbers game. You’ll regret it more later if you didn’t try. And don’t assume by default that she’s going to be rude. Women are generally pleased that a guy has at least decided to be open about his attraction to them and has summoned up the courage to approach. Even if she isn’t interested, it’s most likely that she won’t be rude or cruel about it.

6. Ask if you can buy her a drink

Ask her what she’s drinking. If she’s almost finished, ask her if she’d like another one. Tell her you have some suggestions–you could tease her into trying something new, but don’t insist if she refuses. This is an opportunity to use innuendo to see how she reacts. For example, asking her if she likes “quickies”–hastening to add that you’re only talking about tequila shots. The idea here is to make her feel naughty and use tongue-in-cheek humor to set up a mood, without causing her to feel threatened or demeaned.

7. Enjoy the moment that you’re in

Assuming you get into the position of at least being in your target’s vicinity, focus on consolidating your position. Be attentive. Have fun. Make her laugh. Keep it light. Don’t try to dominate the conversation. Don’t lose yourself in the desire to think too far ahead–soak up the pleasure of the moment. Keep your eyes on her, yet don’t crowd her or get pushy/invasive. And for heavens’ sake don’t use the excuse that the nightclub is packed to act like a creep and rub yourself against her. Instead, let her feel reassured by your presence.

8. Get her dancing

If she’s enjoying a particular tune and things have proceeded well up to that point, ask her to join you on the dance floor. Avoid talking too much while dancing. Enjoy the music and let the rhythm take over. Ordinarily in a nightclub, the volume won’t lend itself to conversation, and such attempts will invariably become screaming matches. Don’t get too intimate with her on the dance floor unless she initiates it. Let her take the lead and put as much distance between the two of you as she needs to feel comfortable. Hum the lyrics if you like, but don’t sing out loud if you can’t carry a tune.

9. Keep your head clear

You definitely need your wits about you. Don’t drink too much, even if you think you can hold your liquor. The worst experience for a woman is for a guy to start slurring and coming on too strong without even being aware of it. It is a complete and total turn-off. Present yourself iniaitally as harmless and don’t try to impress her too much. If a woman gets comfortable with you, she’ll drop her guard and become more susceptible to what you have in mind.

10. Make your final move

After you’ve spent a good bit of time chatting with her, dancing, and enjoying each other’s company, go ahead and ask her either to have coffee with you sometime or whether you can see her again. Don’t indicate that you expect anything–she might think you’re exacting payment for the drink you bought her. Be happy and settle for whatever she’s ready to offer; it may be her number, another date, or, if you’re really lucky and you’ve made an impression, perhaps even the inside of her apartment.

Casual sex and one-night stands are almost always framed as damaging to women, particularly young women. In recent years, writers like Laura Sessions Stepp and Wendy Shalit have issued dire warnings about the alleged dangers of sex outside of committed relationships.

Let’s call this rhetoric what it is: a tired repeat of the sexist double standards that have haunted women for centuries. (The subtitle of Shalit’s second book, “It’s Not Bad To Be Good,” clearly articulates the regressive notion that chastity and sexual restraint renders one “good.”)

The idea that women are so fragile that a bad one night stand leaves them scarred —or “in turmoil” as Laura Sessions Stepp puts it—is destructive. (So is the common belief that men are incapable of feeling empty or sad after a similar encounter; Sessions Stepp absurdly claims that when it comes to being in turmoil, “boys are not.”)

With consensual, no-strings-attached sex so regularly under fire, the positive aspects of “hooking up” rarely come to light. Here are six ways that having (safe) sex outside of a monogamous relationship might actually be good for you.

1. Asserting your desires can create a tremendous sense of power.

The word “empowerment” is so fraught as to be nearly useless. But for girls who are constantly bombarded with the message that they need commitment before enjoying sex, there’s real strength in freeing their sex drive from conservative norms.

Some women don’t need a deep spiritual connection in order to enjoy carnal pursuits and some men do; the old stereotypes aren’t useful in navigating your own needs, and breaking anachronistic expectations through experience could lead you to a better understanding of your own sexuality. Sex educator Heather Corinna’s ongoing, massive survey of sexual experience and attitudes—8,553 respondents so far (4,990 women, 81% casual sex participants)—shows many women have sex outside of relationships for that very reason: 80% of her respondents chose “to find out more about my sexuality” as a motivation for having casual sex.

Similarly, almost 80% cited their desire “to feel free/uninhibited,” which leads us to the next point.

2. It might help you transcend your inhibitions.

When most of us embark on a new relationship, we’re inundated with anxieties. We usually want to please the other person and we want them to think well of us, because we think highly of them and we want to make the connection last. Above all, we definitely don’t want to weird them out with our strange fantasies and turn-ons. We save that type of honesty for much later, when we feel safer. Many couples never share at all: lack of disclosure is the norm for married couples in a variety of ways, whether the issue is finances or hopes and dreams. In a 2001 poll, only 52% of male respondents and 62% of female respondents told their spouses about their sexual history.

There’s less at stake emotionally with a casual partner. This is the very target at which critics aim their arrows—how can women enjoy sex without an emotional connection?!—but this lack of investment can be freeing. It’s the same relative anonymity that causes some people to blurt out their deepest secrets to their hairdresser or a taxi driver. When we’re with someone who isn’t a fixture of our daily life, our egos relax enough to let a little authenticity come through. Rather than worrying about impressing the other person, you can be more assertive about what satisfies them in bed. And in doing so…

3. You’ll learn more about your sexuality

Through encountering new techniques and tastes, through subduing the urge to self-censor, you’ll start to recognize what brings you the greatest amount of pleasure as well as what completely turns you off. In a perfect world, this type of exploration can take place with someone you’re in love with. But many men and women have had the sad experience of falling in love with someone who refuses to indulge in playful sex or whose preferences are entirely at odds with their partner’s.

The heart and the libido are by no means guaranteed to be compatible. (The New York Times recently reported that 15% of marriages were sexless, meaning the couple had not had sex in six months to a year. Casual sex bypasses this by concerning itself primarily with the libido, which is typically regarded as a source of shame and fear, but can yield its own profound and revelatory moments.

4. You might learn about yourself emotionally

The fear and propaganda around one-night stands isn’t just sexist, it’s illogical. Bad long-term relationships involving miscommunication, unmet expectations, and lies are just as likely to damage participants as any sexual disappointment on a short-term scale. Both men and women are only as vulnerable as they allow themselves to be, and provided they’re with someone who won’t exploit it, vulnerability can be a beautiful thing whether in the confines of a traditional relationship or not.

A series of hook ups might lead you to the conclusion that you’re enjoying single life and not ready for anything longer-term, or may prove to you that you feel the best sexually and emotionally when you’re serious about someone. Either way, it will be a truth about yourself that you’ve tested out, not something you assumed out of fear. As Laura Sessions Stepp says dismissively, “everyone’s had some sort of sexual experience and they all think they’re experts on it.” But no one other than yourself can be the expert on your sexual experience.

5. You might be a better partner in a committed sexual relationship

In Corinna’s results on reasons for engaging in committed sex, almost 90% cited motivation due to “feelings of obligation” and 86% listed “to earn something from my partner.” Surely this can’t be the utopian sexual experience we’re supposed to hold out for?

Should a monogamous commitment appeal to you, your knowledge about yourself and sexuality in general will be an invaluable tool to bring to the table. If you’ve experienced sex as a vehicle for relatively emotionally uncomplicated pleasure, you may even be less likely to go along with sex you don’t want, or to seize upon sex as a tool for manipulation.

You might get more than you bargained for. Contrary to conservative insistence that sex before emotions renders an emotional connection impossible, sexual intimacy so powerfully fosters emotional intimacy that partners sometimes end up dating the person they thought would be a one night stand. In Corinna’s survey, an impressive 82.5% said that one or more of their casual sex relationships became long-term and/or serious.

If you need even more convincing that casual sex won’t ruin you, consider this. Another recent study, one conducted on 1,311 Minnesotans between the ages of 18 and 24, found that there was no correlation between emotional or mental distress and casual sex. The professors were “surprised,” said Marla Eisenberg, lead researcher. “The conventional wisdom is that casual sex […] is harmful. That’s what we’ve been teaching kids for a decade.”

6. You’ll learn more about sex

We’ve all heard the stories about undereducated, traditionalist marriages in which the partners never realized that sex is possible in a position other than missionary, or that a woman can orgasm. With public school programs throughout the country refusing to provide young people with accurate, useful information, Americans are often left to educate themselves through the oldest and arguably best form of learning: experience.

If women’s mags like Cosmo are to be believed, sex is a pretty predictable phenomenon, more like operating a basic machine than learning the unique tastes of an individual. Given our culture’s obsessive promotion of narrow beauty aesthetics and even narrower sexual practices, one might never suspect that people have wildly divergent preferences, arousal triggers, and responses to touch. Variety in partners makes it nearly impossible to maintain the “one size fits all” mentality, while never experiencing more than one partner might actually reinforce it.