Sounds like the perfect end to an evening of canapes, ballroom dancing, hat-tipping, and good-natured uvula-swallowing japery with the minor aristocracy over conditions in our sweatshops.

Hey guys, sorry about the lack of posts this week; have had a backlog of other work here that we really needed to plow through. Rest assured that we’re back on track now–thanks for your patience and understanding (and howling fury and hatemail.)

1. Chemical in sperm ‘may slow ageing process’.
2. Fun penis facts.
3. Dallas police looking for a man who sneaks into back yards, dances around naked and then runs away.
4. I had sex with furniture.
5. Date rape-preventing lip gloss.
6. 14-year-old girl trades sex for bacon double cheeseburger.
7. Google street view’s hall of WTF.
8. Saddest handjob in America.
9. The 5 stages of most relationships.
10. Sex favor FAIL.

1. Taiwanese woman denied divorce on grounds that her husband’s penis is too long.
2. Putting sex in the dictionary.
3. Firefox bug ended my relationship.
4. Coupe busted sexing it up… in the back of a police vehicle.
5. 17 ridiculously questionable t-shirts.
6. iPhone app to keep track of your girlfriend’s menstrual cycle.
7. 17-year-old sex offender escapes to have sex with his counselor.
8. Estate sales: where all the best people go to get anal beads.
9. Another creepy Japanese exercise video.
10. Best. Mayor. Ever.

Always nice to see people taking a bit of initiative to distinguish themselves in the casual sex marketplace. Sir, I applaud you.

1. Vaginas are accomodating.
2. A poem. About fisting.
3. A charming song about sticking it in the wrong hole. Guest-starring Scott Baio.
4. Sex androids. They breathe. And have a pulse. (more and more.)
5. Intersex author’s life as a ‘Mighty Hermaphrodite’.
6. Worst cybersex line ever.
7. Vintage sexism: 1943 guide to hiring women.
8. Chess champion Kasparov attacked by flying penis.
9. Walmart ruins two parents’ lives by calling family photos “child pornography”.
10. Nudist hikers get their own trail in Germany.

1. “I’m a grown woman, I get wet like a grown woman, and I have sex like a grown woman. That’s that.”
2. Average penis sizes from around the world.
3. Craigslist hooker crackdown basically not working.
4. Man has a 40 case history of suing “ladies only” promotions as discriminatory.
5. Fox TV: “Keep fucking that chicken!”
6. Couple robbed while having sex in dumpster.
7. Voyeurs meet exhibitionists: a New York Love Story
8. George Clooney would rather have WHAT than a facebook page?
9. Dear… God. I thought he was MYTH.
10. Naked blonde storms construction site.

Came across the following hilarious Penthouse forum stories from the mid-90s, courtesy of Monica Hamburg and Kimli. Reprinted here in all their mirth-inducing glory:

I have an enlightening experience to relate to your readers. After reading about and trying some of your ways of jacking off, I have found my own unique way.

I put a banana into an empty blender, then I add a good amount of rum. I turn the blender on and mix until the concoction is mildly chunky. Next, I insert my hard cock into the blender and turn it back on – slowly at first, then faster (those of you who are especially large, watch out for the blades at the bottom!)

The first time I tried this, I found it to be the most electrifying experience I ever had, and I came like I’d never come before! My wife loves to lick me clean, then we share the enriched drink. It tastes like no other.

– Name and address withheld.

I was always afraid of writing to “Forum” about what turns me and my girlfriend on, because I always felt that it was a bit perverted. But after reading this magazine, I’ve come to the awareness that nothing is perverted.

When my girlfriend doesn’t feel like cooking dinner, which recently has been practically every night, I stop off at McDonald’s and buy four Big Macs. Two are for dinner, and the other two help give us sexual pleasure.

After eating, we take the Big Macs into our bedroom, undress, and get into bed. My girlfriend takes one Big Mac and spreads the special sauce on my cock. Then she takes the all-beef patties, forms a tube around my dick with them, and proceeds to jerk me off. I just can’t describe how great my orgasms are because of the unique texture of the patties.

While she’s doing this, I grab the other Big Mac. I make a simple dildo out of a patty and jerk her off with it, using the sauce as lubricant. Lately, she hasn’t needed the lube, because she comes just *looking* at a Big Mac.

After we’re both finished, we lick each other clean. I wonder if any other people enjoy this type of sex. If not, I would seriously recommend it to everyone.

– Name and address withheld.

I have just begun receiving your magazine, and I am extremely glad I that do! I was getting worried that I was some sort of sick pervert, until your magazine brought me to the realization that what is fun is right. The letter that I was glad to see was from a man who described the enjoyment he and his wife received from the use of Big Macs as sexual tools. I also have a food fetish that gives me great pleasure. I live in a dormatory on a large college campus where one of the most common foods is pizza. One night, when my roommate was out on a date, I ordered a large pizza (cheese only), and I had eaten half of it when I got a wild idea. I laid the still slightly warm pizza on my bed and got undressed, then I slowly lay down on the warm, gooey cheese surface of the pie. I proceeded to move back and forth until I was just about to cum, then I raised myself up and saw and felt the gooey cheese “fingers” still clinging to my erect penis. I had the best climax I ever had. Now, at least once a week, I order a cheese pizza and truly enjoy myself!

– Name and address withheld.

1. The handjob: making a cumback.
2. One more reason why I love David Lynch…
3. As depressing as it is Right On.
4. The differences between the original Lennon/Ono nude and Sean Lennon’s imitation.
5. First person jailed under UK’s new “extreme porn” law.
6. Bizarre sexual habits from the animal kingdom.
7. The spiny anteater’s four-headed penis.
8. Family values Republican likes spanking his mistress.
9. The Coolidge effect — whereby males show continuously high sexual performance given the introduction of new receptive females
10. One in every 33 women who attend worship services regularly has been the target of sexual advances by a religious leader.

Okay so JUST A LITTLE CYNICAL MMKAY, but it’d be bad form if all the gender-stereotyping skewering on this blog went in one directions, so:

1. Doing it with Hitler to promote AIDS awareness.
2. Fun with legal breast exposure.
3. It turns out you can tell whether a woman is vaginally orgasmic by… the way she walks.
4. Sometimes it’s okay to use a kitten to masturbate. Really.
5. The Aristocrats – the Southpark version
6. In Austria, Fucking is just Fucking.
7. Learning English. You should.
8. Man attempts to kill his wife for waking him up on their wedding night.
9. When is public nudity a crime?
10. No condom handy? Try alcohol made from stewed beaver’s testicles.

Came across this today at blogofhilarity. There are no words. (But I lol’d.)

1. Could swinging be made illegal in the US? The surprising conclusion.
2. Burning man? Don’t forget your latex gloves…
3. Women achieving orgasm through thought alone (not saying it isn’t possible, but I’d like to see it…)
4. Heh. Whoops?
5. Experience the wonder of a penis on your chin.
6. Bring out your dead: The 10 flavors of necrophilia…
7. Best cure for hiccups EVAR.
8. A powerful argument for reading labels on glue products…
9. The snuggie sutra.
10. German police have too much time on their hands.

Sex in the Movies vs Sex in Real Life vs Sex Between Two Women: a side-by-side analysis. Whoever drew this is obviously some kind of sex expert.

1. Barry White songs used to encourage shark to mate in aquarium.
2. Taking Seinfeld jokes to the real world: not a good idea.
3. After 45 years on the gig, stripper still packing them in.
4. Creepy, creepy pillows.
5. Outed model-slagging blogger feels betrayed by Google, will take it to the Supreme Court.
6. 10 things not to say to Hooters girls.
7. This is why friends don’t let friends do PCP.
8. Have a creepy old woman.
9. Up to 11,000 U.S. veterans may have been mistakenly infected with HIV. Whoops?
10. Scientologists are wackjobs. Here’s one.