Nice to see that eHarmony is doing so great they can afford to reject applications displaying a sense of humor.

Q: Does penis size necessarily correlate to a man’s worth as a lover?

A: First of all, studies have revealed that women are equally aroused by pictures of large penises as by images of small penises (right…they don’t like pictures of penises, be they large or small). Regardless of popular stereotyping, penis size is not related to body shape, height, length of fingers, or anything else. Interestingly, it has been proven that “small, flaccid penises tend to increase more in size during erections than do penises that are larger in the flaccid state” (best comeback to ‘you have a small dick’ ever…”Naw son, that’s just when it’s…flaccid”). And even still, it should be emphasized that bigger is not always better. In fact, deep penetration can cause pain similar to that experienced when a male gets kicked in the balls, if the penis bangs into the cervix and causes the uterus to be slightly displaced which may jolt an ovary. The vaginal canal’s greatest sensitivity is concentrated in the outer portion, as opposed to deep within. So…no. If you happen to have a huge penis, just don’t go too hard.

Q: How common are intersexed babies (hermaphrodites)?

A: Intersexed babies in the United States are born with about the same frequency as red heads. It is estimated that intersexed may account for 4% of all births, or 40 out of every 1000 people, worldwide. Interestingly, inter-sexed and transsexual babies who are switched over to the female gender often grow up to have careers as models or actresses due to the fact that their tall height, an aspect of masculinity, is considered to be an symbol of beauty. Such examples include the stunning Italian actress Eva Robinson, angelic Japanese pop sensation Harisu, and purportedly Jamie Lee Curtis who qualifies as American Hollywood royalty.

Q: What is the purpose of female genital cutting that occurs in countries like Africa, the Middle East, and Asia?

A: There are multiple reasons why genital cutting is performed. One is to ensure virginity before marriage. In some countries, such as Sudan, the social stigma for remaining uncircumcised is harsh, as indicated by the fact that being called “the son of an uncircumcised mother” is a most intense insult. A second incentive for procedures such as clitorectomy, removal of the clitoris, is to reassure men that they are not having sex with another man in societies where the clitoris is seen as a small penis.

Q: Are there any societies where homosexuality is predominant?

A: Ah, this brings us to my favorite cultural sexual oddity, which occurs in Sambia, New Guinea. In the Sambia tribe, as early as age 7, young boys are expected to “suck the penis of a mature boy every night and swallow the sperm”. Boys who refuse are forever treated as children within the context of their community, because “without regular ingestion of male seed, the Sambia believe, boys will never grow up into strong, mature men.” At the age of 15, the boys are considered mature enough to provide their own genitals for the younger boys to felicitate. Performing fellatio on a younger boy is strictly forbidden; as it is considered stealing his manhood because it results in a loss of semen from the growing boy. As soon as the boys marry, they cease to engage in homosexual contact, but often times, since they are so estranged from female sexuality and coitus, they ask their new brides to wear a bag over her head and fellate them on their wedding night. Interestingly, according to Loving Boys Vol. 1, “After 10 to 15 years of exclusive homosexual activity carried on by 100 % of the Sambia population, the incidence of adult homosexual orientation is only 5 % – exactly the same as in Western society.” So…short answer, yes, long answer, no.

Q: In the 1800’s, what did women do with left-over cleaning agent Lysol after scrubbing the kitchen floor clean? (nice leading question)

A: They used it as a douche. It was unnecessary, harmful and served no medicinal purpose.

Q: Where do vibrators come from?

A: The vibrator was devised as a medical instrument to take some of the load off of doctors who owned some very tired fingers. Authorities in the medical community theorized that hysteria, “a term that was first coined by Hippocrates and described a medical condition peculiar to women… considered to be a symptom of irregular blood-movement from the uterus to the brain,” could be cured through orgasm. In the mid 1600’s doctors recorded their treatment method of conducting such therapy by hand. Clitoral stimulation often was required for up to an hour before the resulting fit of convulsions, and thus, doctors developed a tool to ease the amount of labor (tisk tisk, lazy lazy). In the 1800s rocking chairs and swings were manipulated to act as promethean devices to help a woman relieve herself of hysteria, but by 1905, the vibrator had evolved into a portable motorized gadget that could get the job done in ten minutes or less and was advertised in “housekeeping, sewing, and ladies’ journals with innocuous pictures of an old woman mechanically massaging her temples with a statement akin to: all the pleasures of youth will throb within you”.

Q: Are there sexual anxiety disorders that do not exist in America, but do in another society?

A: Absolutely. Genital retraction syndrome (GRS), widely referred to as koro (translated as “shrinking penis”), is a thousands of years old culture-specific epidemic which is known to spread mass hysteria at lightening speed, or at least the speed of ejaculation, and is equivalent to Western culture’s phenomenon of anxiety attacks. Koro consists of delusions in which men, especially in Asia and Africa, believes he is “the victim of a contagious disease that causes his penis to shrink and retract into his body, an alarming prospect made worse by local traditions or folklore that adds the warning that this condition is usually fatal”. In 1982, the rumor of koro spread in India and resulted in freaked out parents flooding the hospitals pressed to get their sons (who arrived with “penises bound up to prevent further shrinkage) help. In Singapore during 1967, contaminated pork was announced as a cause of penis shrinkage, prompting men to hang “weights from their penises [or even have] relatives or friends [grab] on …to keep their penises from slipping away.” The concept of koro similarly has infiltrated the consciousness of men all up and down the west coast of Africa producing “recent outbreaks of ‘penis thievery…involving public accusations of penis theft, usually as a result of the unexpected or unwelcome touch from a stranger.”

In January 2002, twelve of the accused “sorcerers” who convinced men that they had used black magic to put a curse on the penis to shrink and were demanding monetary payment in exchange for the antidote, were brutally beaten to death by hordes of men who believed their penises were losing inches as a result. Medical authorities are working on educating the public, enlightening citizens that koro has no basis in reality with a presentation of quantitative measurements of their penis over a period of time.

Q: Is there a way for men to exercise their genitals in effort to achieve more pleasurable sex?

A: Kegel exercises, famous for helping to strengthen the pelvic walls for women in preparation to give labor, also result in positive changes for men, including “stronger and more pleasurable orgasms, better ejaculatory control, and increased pelvic sensation during sexual arousal.” The male version of these exercises work to strengthen the muscles surrounding the internal extension of the penis, which are usually only contracted during ejaculation, with the following steps suggested by Crooks and Baur’s Our Sexuality: (time for your homework lesson…)

1. Locate the muscles by stopping the flow of urine several times while urinating. The muscles you sqeeze to accomplish this are the ones on which you will concentrate. If you do a correct Kegel while not urinating, you will notice your penis move slightly. Kegel’s done when you have an erection will cause your penis to move up and down.
2. Begin the exercise program by squeezing and relaxing the muscles 15 times, twice daily. Do not hold the contraction at this stage. (These are called ‘short Kegels’).
3. Gradually increase the number of Kegels until you can comfortably do 60 at a time twice daily.
4. Now practice ‘long Kegels’ by holding each contraction for a count of 3.
5. Combine the short and long Kegels in each daily exercise routine, doing a set of 60 of each, once or twice a day.
6. Continue with the Kegel exercises for at least several weeks. You may not notice results until a month or more has passed. By this time the exercises will probably have become automatic, requiring no particular effort.

Q: Is it true that the larger a woman’s breasts, the better able she will be to provide nourishment for a baby?

A: In a physically mature woman the breasts are composed internally of fatty tissue and mammary, or milk, glands. There is little variation from woman to woman in the amount of glandular tissue present in the breast, despite differences in size. This is why the amount of milk produced after childbirth does not correlate with the size of the breasts. Variation in breast size is due primarily to the amount of fatty tissue distributed around the glands. Therefore, with bigger boobs, you are receiving higher fat content.

Q: Do perfumes really work as a turn on?

A: It is theorized that perfumes are used so that others will be more likely to breathe in more of the fragrance-wearers pheromones, or odors produced by the body that relate to reproductive functions. While this, and the fact that aphrodisiacs may be learned through association of a trigger (stench) with an experience (hot girl kissing you), may be true, it is interesting to note that “contrary to what the marketers of commercial scents would like us to believe, Alan Hirsh, a researcher at the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago, recently found that the odors reported to be most sexually arousing for either sex were not colognes or perfumes.” To determine arousal, Hirsch measured the blood flow to privates in response to certain smells and found that the strongest reactions by men correlated to scents of “lavender, pumpkin pie, and doughnuts”, whereas women were most stimulated by “licorice, cucumbers, and banana nut bread”. Smells that proved a turn off to women included “barbeque meat, cherries, and men’s cologne.”

So you know Photoshop? With all those handy-dandy tools and filters that can turn a not-very photo of yourself into VA VA VOOM ROCK MY ROOM?

Yeah. Maybe sometimes it’s worth taking a second look before you upload the post-processed version.

(Check out her left wrist, too. Ack.)

Brilliant. Just brilliant. bloodninja would be proud.

I’ve recently collected another daunting pile of questions regarding the health benefits of sex. Through the years of my career, and I imagine through the ages of all humanity, this has been a resurfacing question. Typically I answer questions pertaining to the health benefits of sex on a one-on-one basis, but since I know that there are many more men out there who are asking themselves the same question I thought it admissible to address the topic here.

Many people simply enjoy a healthy sex life because sex is pleasurable. Now there’s another reason to stay under the sheets; there are substantial health benefits of sex.

Enjoying a rigorous romp can do wonders for everyone both physically and psychologically. Now, men everywhere can tell their ladies that sex is not only for fun, but, since there are health benefits of sex, their lives may depend on it.

The following are six different reasons why sex and sexual activity may help you live a longer, happier life due to the health benefits of sex:

Sex Can Cure Headaches

All those times that you were told, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache,” all you had to do was inform your woman that one of the health benefits of sex is its ability to act as a pain reliever. The hormone oxytocin (a nine amino acid peptide that is synthesized in hypothalamic neurons and transported down axons of the posterior pituitary for secretion into blood) secretes within your body whenever you engage in sexual activity.

Because of this secretion, endorphins (hormone-like chemicals that bear a close functional resemblance to morphine) are released.

When a person is aroused or excited, oxytocin levels not only begin to increase, they are the reason that orgasms come about. Studies have shown that a rise in oxytocin levels can relieve pain; everything from headaches, cramps and overall body aches can be diminished with a simple roll in the hay.

Sex Reduces Stress

A recent survey revealed that people who have more sex reported that they felt more at ease, happier and learned how to handle stress better. So perhaps the term “sexual frustration” is not too far from the truth.

After an orgasm, an intense wave of calm and relaxation overcomes humans (that’s why men usually fall asleep) and it’s a time when people can truly liberate themselves and let go. Plenty of people who enjoy a regular dose of sex convey that they sleep much better during the night and feel alive and refreshed throughout the day. So, one of the health benefits of sex is a better nights sleep, which allows you to handle day-to-day stress much more efficiently.

Sex Increases Blood Flow

It goes without saying that when we get aroused our blood starts to pump at a quicker rate and, thus, blood flow to our brain increases. Both an increased heart rate and more blood pumping through the brain result in better performance (in and out of the bedroom).

What this ultimately means is that the fresh supply of blood pumping through your body provides the organs with a healthy dose of oxygen and rids the body of old and wasteful products. So, another health benefit of sex is a cleansed system. Treat your temple right with the help of a little excitement.

The health benefits of sex will give you more hormones and keep you younger.

Sex Maintains your Body

One of the health benefits of sex is that it helps to keep you fit and it can keep you in constant awareness of your body image. Everyone likes to know that they have a nice physique and continually being naked in front of another person can be somewhat of a good incentive to stay in shape.

Believe it or not, sexual intercourse burns off 150 calories every half hour. Although the average couple engages in sex for approximately 25 minutes a session only three times a week, it still accounts for 450 calories that are better taken off than put on.

If you’re more active than average, then that will only make things more beneficial for you and that lucky gal. A health benefit of sex, particularly a rigorous hour of sex, is that it may burn even more than 300 calories depending on how rigorous you get.

Orgasms Increase your Lifespan

Although the orgasm is sometimes referred to as the “little death,” having at least two orgasms a week can increase your life span. Every time you reach orgasm, the hormone DHEA (Dehydroepiandrosterone) increases in response to sexual excitement and ejaculation.

DHEA can boost your immune system, repair tissue, improve cognition, keep skin healthy, and even work as an antidepressant. Therefore, a health benefit of sex if you keep the orgasms coming, is potentially a longer life.

Sex Boosts your Hormone Levels

Both testosterone and estrogen levels experience a boost through regular sexual activity. Testosterone does more than just boost your sex drive, it helps fortify bones and muscles, and it keeps your heart in good working condition as well.

In women, sex increases the levels of estrogen, which protects against heart disease. Ever wonder why women love the touchy, feely stuff so much? It’s because of their rise in estrogen levels. This hormone also plays a huge role in a woman’s body scent. While estrogen makes women sentimental, a rise in their testosterone levels is what makes them desire penetration.

Men also produce estrogen and as they age, their estrogen levels increase while their testosterone levels drop. This reversal often results in men becoming somewhat calmer as they get on in years.

Sex Will Make you Healthy and Happy

It’s quite evident that there are many health benefits of sex. It increases brain power, heart rate, it can help fend off diseases and ailments, and it makes individuals feel good about themselves.

In today’s stressful society, it has become a little more difficult to engage in intimate sexuality as often, but as long as you incessantly make the effort, you’ll realize that it’s always worth it.

The health benefits of sex will make you feel wonderful within and without and you will gradually notice that the more sex you have, the more bounce you will have in each step. Happiness isn’t sex itself, but sex does ultimately play a role in human happiness.

Article by Donald Zimmer

Florida police say a man arrested for repeatedly calling 911 looking for sex claimed it was the only number he could dial after running out of cell phone minutes. Tampa police said 29-year-old Joshua Basso made sexual comments to the 911 dispatcher and asked if he could come to her house. Investigators say she hung up, but he called back four more times.

He was arrested about 15 minutes later at his home late Wednesday and charged with making a false 911 call. Basso reportedly told officers that he didn’t think he would get in trouble for calling 911.

Tampa jail records show Basso is being held without bond but don’t indicate whether he has an attorney. He is listed as unemployed with arrests for theft and other crimes dating back to 2001.

This Nov. 11, 2009 booking photo made available by the Hillsborough County, Fla. Sheriff's Office shows Joshua Basso. Florida police say Basso, arrested for repeatedly calling 911 looking for sex, claimed it was the only number he could dial after running out of cell phone minutes.

We all know it’s a serious offense to waste police time, but try telling that to the woman who called officers to complain that her daughter had performed oral sex on her husband – and that the daughter was better at it.

The guilty offspring was actually the step-daughter of the man, and her crime of passion in Findlay, Ohio, has caused outrage among readers of the newspaper website that reported it, thecourier.com.

Their comment page has been flooded with angry responses.

One indignant reader, Lee, thought the story sucked: ‘ I subscribe to The Courier but will cancel if the public record is going to be filled with details of multiple female family members servicing the male of the house. This is not news. I think any moral man or woman would call it what it is: depravity!’

Another, Jeff, spat: ‘This is totally unprofessional and inappropriate for a newspaper to print.’

However, the editor of thecourier.com does have his supporters, not least one Mark Shelton, who had nothing but praise for the saucy story: ‘Gotta love The Courier’s docket writer! The most creative writing in any paper around. And for those that don’t like it, don’t read it!!’

Whatever the rights and wrongs of publicizing the incident, let’s just hope the daughter gets a, ahem, stiff sentence.

Laws are supposed to protect us, but when the government decides to get in our pants, some crazy stuff goes down!

Here are some actual sex laws that are really for the record books:

1. In Bakersfield, Calif., if you’re going to have sex with Satan, you’ve gotta use a condom. (And presumably come up with a safe word.)

2. Porking a porcupine is illegal in Florida. But apparently that law didn’t go far enough. Just recently, State Sen. Nan Rich submitted a bill that would ban people in the Sunshine State from being able to stick it in where the sun don’t shine with any animal.

3. In Minnesota, it’s illegal for any slime bucket to hook up with a live fish. (Don’t worry disinterested wives, a cold fish is still okay.)

4. In Dyersburg, Tenn., it is illegal for a lady to call a gentleman for a date. Clearly no one in that town is getting laid.

5. In Merryville, Mo., no woman can waste her natural waist. Wearing a corset is illegal because “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.” No wonder it’s called the “Show Me State!”

6. It’s illegal to purchase sex toys in Alabama.

7. In Washington state, it’s totally legal to fuck an animal like an animal, as long as it weighs less than 40 lbs. Apparently fatty farm pets don’t deserve lovin’.

8. While most would argue that this is place where people get screwed in a million different ways, in Washington, D.C., engaging in any sexual position other than missionary is illegal.

9. In Massachusetts, you cannot recklessly consummate your love with a rodeo clown while the horses are still around.

10. The biggest Internet-porn-consuming state, Utah, gets a little freaky with its laws too. Sex with an animal is totally cool, unless you’re doing it for money. Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?

Exactly what it says on the tin. Click through on the image to read on. (Possibly a troll; if so, MAJOR win achieved.)

Rocking on with our Hallo-theme from the last post, there’s nothing that says ‘Happy Halloween’ like a pumpkin spreading its creasey derriere in order that we might better relish enjoy the sight of his incandescent seedy sphincter. For your wart-nosed pleasure, here are 10 examples of jack-o-lanterns served up with an X-rated seasoning of sauciness.

And if that’s not enough slatternly gourd-like squash of the genus Cucurbita for you, check out 2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup.

“Introducing Succu Dry Sex in a Can from Fleshlight, the world’s first vampire inspired sex toy for men. Take a walk on the dark side and get familiar with this pale brew. But be careful! Though this may feel like love at first bite, make sure you have wood poised to penetrate before you get completely drained!”

That’s right, it’s exactly what it looks like. A $44 Fleshlight for putting your penis into. With vampire teeth. Now you YES YOU can recreate all those scenes from your favorite piece of Twilight or True Blood fan fiction in the privacy and comfort of your own home, car, or place of (unholy) worship.

Here’s a few more images to whet your wet whistle for future fangy whistle-wetting.

Side view: It's going to go down on you like a freaking Moray eel.

Cutaway view: Just like a regular fleshlight only fang-y. (And $4 more!)

Obligatory shot of hot chick with fleshlight to make you feel like less of a loser for purchasing one.

1. Make your own sex toys.
2. More housework == more sex.
3. Veeery disturbing Japanese clay animation short film.
4. Woman accuses gay boss of rape.
5. How to tell if your son is gay.
6. Uhm. Pardon?
7. Ignatius: the Ultimate Youth Pastor.
8. AIEEEEE.
9. Whale penis leather car interior. You read right.
10. When You Marry, a 1962 textbook for highschoolers.

A man in Japan has perfected the art of making schoolgirl panties take flight. I think this guy deserves a Nobel prize and/or MacArthur Genius Grant so that he can continue his research.

1. Asexual and proud.
2. Vagina mints, seriously.
3. Dirty laundry… on facebook.
4. Halloween costume of win.
5. The Onion calls that shit.
6. Al Franken trolls John Ashcroft.
7. This is what the Internet does to young men.
8. Keep it classy, Australia.
9. “Why I slept with 1300 women.”
10. Meghan McCain: Not A Slut.