The polyamory lifestyle is nowhere near as sexy as I thought it would be. As the Boston Globe details in their long article, there’s plenty of normal well-respected, not spectacularly good-looking people who practice it. There’s more than just a few too–there are hundreds in just that town, so over the entire country there must be, like, thousands!

Casual Encounters wishes the previously-underground lifestylers out into the open and hopes for further erosion of the tyrannical ‘monogamy is right’ meme.

Well clearly, CLEARLY it isn’t. Have a heart.

Read on for the tearjerking tale of the man with the world largest penis, Jonah Falcon, who has discovered that simply being in possession of his perhaps-enviable womb-crushing pants behemoth isn’t enough to make him happy. Or rich. Or, well (in my opinion) interesting.

More information over here.

1. 9 Sex Myths you Shouldn’t Believe.
2. Men who help clean get more sex.
3. Hustler publisher sues nephews for making “inferior porn”.
4. Behold: the condom pillow.
5. Creepy kids’ books that really exist.
6. Strippers. (Oh go on, it’s really funny. We promise.)
7. Touch my balls. Touch them.
8. Sexual bases throughout the decades.
9. Give this man a Nobel Prize.
10. The Porn Rangers. Watch out.

The latest terrifying expose from The Onion News Network drops the bombshell: kids who watch porn may expect sex to be enjoyable–even physically gratifying. We’re as shocked as disgusted by the dissemination of these cruel lies as you are.

View the video; experience the full horror of this mindshattering revelation.

It’s a cry from the heart. What guys will suffer through just to get laid.

(P.S. Watch until the end because it’s BRILLIANT.)

Feigning Interest on a Date – Watch more Funny Videos

The holiday season is a great time to sit back and reflect on our pasts. Or, you know. The pasts of sex tape celebs.

So in that spirit, click through and enjoy the trip down memory lane.

Someone with way too much time on his or her hands has come up with this splendid visual guide to things to say during sex. My favorite might be “I rule!”, though I’m not planning to try it on anytime soon.

Click through for the full-sized image.

Birds do it, bees do it… and here’s the highly amusing proof:

Found this Twilight parody over at FunnyOrDie. As funny as it is, it makes a good point. Remember in the New Moon movie where Jasper tries to kill her after she cuts herself? With vampire’s super-smell and stuff, wouldn’t he be doing that like 5 days out of every month? (Uhm, I mean not that I’d ever watch a Twilight movie, but I read about that scene on the bathroom wall at the local, uh, chest-hair-growing club. Ahem.)

Found this hilarious upload by MasterOfHyrule today on YouTube, which compiles some of the funniest sexual sequences in video games. Take 6:47 out of your day and have a chuckle.

Is it a blowjob? A handjob? No, putting your junk in the RealTouch is like fucking the Matrix, the rabbit hole lined with shockingly personal conveyor belts and the moneymakers of various Jennas, Toris, and Brees at the other end.

Consider the best porn movies which are, let’s say, a concerted effort between performers, videographers, and directors to get you off. The RealTouch adds yet another participant to your masturbation’s open marriage: a hard-working haptic encoder.

The RealTouch device is slightly bigger than that squash you devoured yesterday, and far more interesting to put your penis in. Opposite your penis, a USB cable connects the RealTouch hardware to your computer where, logged in to your account at RealTouch.com, you can access hundreds of scenes specially coded for use with your new conversation starter.

Starting with an ever-increasing library of straight, gay, and even anime P.O.V. videos, RealTouch’s North Carolina-based programmers then assiduously mark, frame by frame, each movement of (for example) Tori Black’s mouth, adjusting for heat, wetness, friction, and ferocity, sending these routines to two opposing conveyor belts within the machine. Ditto Tori’s hands, ass, and vagina.

Unlike other marital aids in which the user actually has to do more work to operate them, the RealTouch is particularly eager to please. You select a video and put your dick in a machine. Science and your own self-control do the rest.

“I just stood there,” one test subject said. “It really did all the work for me.”

One drawback of the RealTouch is that it is not yet Mac compatible. So I farmed out the job of testing the device and its web interface to three PC users. Top of the list of my review criteria was not to tell me how weird it was.

“Look,” I said. “We know it’s weird.”

Initial web setup and login to the RealTouch account were simple, followed by a Windows Media-based software download that was considerably less difficult than a WordPress install. Our review model made a whirring sound and one subject was tentative about making a penile approach to it.

“I didn’t know if I’d come back,” he said.

But they were Heroes, and each on different occasions tried videos with Tera Patrick, Ashlynn Brooke, Tori Black, Bree Olson, and Jenna Jameson, noting that Bree used up a lot of lube.

The belts work in conjunction with heating coils, a lube reservoir, and a simple adjustably tight seal (but haptics don’t care how big you are). Is one hole different from the other? The belts squeeze tighter and the coils heat hotter when you’re in Bree’s ass.

Cleaning, refilling, and transporting this machine require, as you’d imagine, a commitment, but not one our test subjects, each either happily married or otherwise partnered, minded (“but watch out for leaks,” one said).

What I find fascinating about the RealTouch is that someone in Charlotte was focusing as intently on Jenna Jameson or Lisa Ann (or dozens of other actresses) as you would be, dropping coder’s keystrokes in anticipation of your eventual loads.

So, even though masturbation is a personal experience, the RealTouch proves that it takes a village to jerk you off.

(Piece from Fleshbot.com on November 25, 2009, written by Gram Ponante.)

Hooray! Another product on the market designed to make women feel insecure! “Linger: The Internal Feminine Flavoring” is exactly what it sounds like—a mixer for vaginal cocktails. In the web site‘s own words:

A small, naturally sweetened flavoring, free of artificial dyes, which was created to flavor the secretions of a woman when she is sexually aroused. Linger is shaped for comfort during insertion and use, and is formulated to dissolve slowly, so the effects last and last…

This fruity vaginal suppository takes 45 minutes to an hour to dissolve completely, but the flavor lasts and lasts! Hoorah! No more biting down on the bacteria farm! No more cunnilingual clambake coupled with creamy cooter curveball!

However, Jen Phillips at Mother Jones has a different take on the product:

Linger-Mints A little digging revealed that Linger is made/distributed by a company called Admints, which just happens to make trade show mints. And the Linger samples just happen to have have the exact same shape, taste, and ingredients as Admint’s sample mints. So how does Linger manage to pass off breath mints as vaginal Tic Tacs in $7.99 packs?

Despite the salacious creation story and testimonials on its site (”It gets a little warm as it starts to dissolve which took just under an hour. Then, it is SO good!!”), the mint is labeled “for novelty use only.” This is a common practice in the sex-products industry, explains Charlie Glickman, the education program manager at Good Vibrations. It gives manufacturers some cover if something goes awry, he explains. “They could say, ‘It’s just a novelty toy. You weren’t actually expecting to use this were you?’” And if you actually do expect to use Linger to “flavor the woman in a manner that is safe and effective,” be warned: its primary ingredient is sugar, which is not safe for the vagina. It messes up the pH and can lead to a really painful yeast infection, a condition that definitely doesn’t make someone want to “linger.”

Having had a few horrifying yeast infection experiences with less-than-sanitary ladies myself I can’t really come down in favor of anything that’s going to be responsible for further fungal fiascos, but don’t let me make up your minds for you. Anyone out there actually tried these mints? Let us know! Holla!

Spice up your lonely masturbatory adventures with these amusing and potentially helpful suggestions from some guy, somewhere.

Click through on the image for the full-size version.

Casual Encounters Blog absolves itself of any responsibility for injuries incurred in the attempted imitation of any of these positions (especially the “Sylvia Plath”.)

Stay safe!