10 Things You Should Keep a Secret From Your Woman

Guys, it’s a truthy factoid that there are some things your woman never needs to find out about you. You will always need to maintain some leverage within the relationship, and if you give her all the dirt you can bet that your leverage will end up being comparable to that of a wet paper straw wedged under the Rock of Gibraltar. And there’s always the prospect of future public humiliation to bear in mind if the relationship goes south.

So because we care, here are 10 things your lady never needs to know about you. Keep this information close to your own chest, though if there’s even a chance she can get the information from another source, you’re probably going to be better off telling her. If she discovers your shameful secrets via any route other than your lips you’ll be hit with the double-suck of her knowing the stuff and her knowing you tried to cover it up.

1. Where you keep your porn

So you like porn. No big, plenty of women do too. This doesn’t mean, however, that bringing it up is a great idea. If I had a dollar for every man who’s shared his porn stash with his girl only to have her start wailing about how she feels she has to compete with _insert_name_of_hot_porn_actress_here_ every time she fucks him I’d have SEVERAL DOLLARS. And there’s nothing to stop her completely wigging and destroying your precious collection when you aren’t looking. Keep your friends close, and your porn stash even closer.

2. What you earn

Particularly in the early stages of a relationship, it’s a good idea to play your finances close to your chest. Two words: gold diggers. Whether you’re diamond-studded or debt-ridden she doesn’t need to know. Let her figure out whether she likes you based on your personal merits first before dropping the poor-or-rich bomb on her. If you’re loaded you can buy her the stuff she likes, if not at least she’s proved she’s of good character by sticking with you regardless of the lack of financial incentive.

3. How many chicks you’ve banged

You may know how many chicks you’ve slept with. Some of your friends may know, too. But that’s where the information should stay. While speaking the numbers may have a negative impact on your relationship, it’s highly unlikely to have any positive benefit, whatever the numbers are. So best to leave the beast in the box and keep your trap shut.

4. Your weaknesses

Maybe you cry during Nature documentaries, maybe your self-confidence is a complete sham. It doesn’t really matter, so long as you never tell her. If she finds out you can guarantee she’ll start making all sorts of “sweet” jokes at your expense. Don’t be fooled: this shit isn’t funny. It undermines her respect for you and your stature as a man. Suck it up and keep your faults belted in.

5. Your masturbation habits

She knows you masturbate. She doesn’t need to know exactly for how long, when, or with what. There’s a danger that it’ll get her curious, and guys would rather be by themselves during “alone time,” without having to be concerned about being snuck up on.

6. Strip clubs

Do you dig strip clubs? Watching attractive ladies writhe erotically for your pleasure and titillation? Want to keep digging them? Then never, NEVER tell your woman. Don’t even concede that you used to go. She’ll want to know why you like the clubs and how much money you spend on the “girls”. Even women who claim to have no problems with such activity will somehow twist your habit to their advantage. Quite simply, it’s a road you don’t want to go down.

7. Any really weird sexual fantasies you have

Some fantasies are fine to share and to enjoy together, but within nearly every man lurks dark and dangerous desires that frankly, she just isn’t going to understand. Maybe yours involve lawn ornaments and digital amputation, and you find yourself wondering earnestly if your ladyfriend will appreciate them. Well, the smart money is going to be on NO. Certain sensual reveries are best taken care of on one’s own. There’s every chance that once she gets a glimpse of the perverted filth that cascades through your imagination she’s going to bolt for the door faster than you can say “warm semen enema”.

8. Embarrassing things that have happened to you

Embarrassing things have happened to everyone, and in their milder forms might be fine to relate. But we’re not just talking mild embarrassment here. We’re talking about heinous, life-crushing embarrassment like crapping in your mother’s bed or having someone post a hi-res picture of your manjunk in a public forum. If you’ve ever suffered humiliation of this order of magnitude, don’t ever let her find out about it. The visuals alone will eliminate all cool-cred you may have accumulated up to that point, and you will become an object of derision and funmaking. Just say no.

9. Stuff relating to ex-girlfriends

You might have naked photos, love letters, soiled panties, and extensive files on all your ex-girlfriends. But don’t let your current missus find out about them. Even if she claims she’s happy to let the past be the past you can bet she’ll be more than happy to drop their names the next time you’re fighting. Take the bullets out of her future gun and hide that stuff somewhere she’ll never find it.

10. Times you’ve cheated

Maybe you used to be a player. Maybe your last girlfriend was so horrible she drove you into the tender loins of another woman. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. You cop to having cheated in the past and you will be under suspicion from here to eternity. Get used to the rest of your (probably brief) relationship with Miss Right Now involving having her think you’re looking to score anything with a vagina and spark of sentience.

Honorable Mention: dodgy stuff your buddies get up to

Never let your woman know about all the outrageous, crazy stuff your pals get up to. What kinds of things specifically? A good rule of thumb is not share anything about them with her that they wouldn’t reveal to their own significant others. There’s more than one reason to avoid doing this. The first reason is that busting your buddies is a serious violation of the bro code. The other reason is that you start to make yourself look guilty by association. Tell her about how much time and money Graham spents at the strip club and and she’ll start to wonder how much time you spend there with him. In short: be a bro, look after your pals and they’ll look after you.

Be Cool

Hopefully now you have a clear idea about what sort of info to keep safe and secret from the woman in your life you won’t have a problem keeping yourself looking cool for the ladies. Remember: careless talk costs wives.

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2 Responses to “10 Things You Should Keep a Secret From Your Woman”

  1. Preston Blain
    January 17, 2011 at 8:16 pm #

    I must have a very open nature cos my girlfriend knows pretty much all of these. Well I can’t take 10 into consideration cos I only have open relationships so I can’t really cheat.

    My theory behind the way I do things is, “If she don’t like it, she can jog on…” 🙂

  2. Juan
    September 7, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    I wish I would have read your blog some 20 years ago. I totally agree with you on all. Sharing some of these have ripped me a new one in conversations and lead to arguments with comments like “I bet you would have done it with that b***** right?” My wife thinks masturbating is demeaning – good thing she disclosed that and I don’t share the fact that I do the do.

    Hope the young bucks read your blog because going in knowing this in a relationship will avoid so many arguments you don’t need to be in. Thanks for the blog.

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