For Streetwalkers, All Roads Lead To Cape Town

The FIFA World Cup is upon us in June, and everyone knows what that means — hookers! Cape Town, South Africa, this year’s host of the World Cup, is projected to attract even more sex workers than Craigslist and Adult Friend Finder combined. According to the Drug Central Authority (South Africa’s equivalent to the Vice Squad), over 40,000 prostitutes are set to descend upon Cape Town for the festivities. Football fans making the trek to South Africa are guaranteed to score with a wide variety nice ladies arriving from far-flung locales including Russia, the Congo and Brazil.

In addition to 40,000 tarts, CBS News reports that a billion condoms are also being imported to Cape Town. Basic math therefore indicates that each hooker is projected to get fucked 25,000 times — which hardly seems feasible, but one imagines you can’t be too safe when it comes to these things. In fact, one out of every five adult South African women is said to be infected by HIV. However, intrepid football-sex tourists will not be dissuaded by these odds seeing this one in five chance equates to the same odds as the UK winning the World Cup — and everyone knows this is not going to happen. To further protect themselves, tourists can employ Cape Town taxi driver Henry Africa. For a bargain price of $500, he will shuttle you around to a variety of hooker-laden locales and vouch for your candidate’s safe sex practices. If you do contract HIV, he’ll even waive his tip.

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