Many women of the Sex And The City set view hooking up with a hedge fund manager as the holy grail of sleeping around. Despite the negative press Wall Street masters of the universe have received lately, the benefits that come along with hooking up with New York’s movers and shakers are quite attractive. Fine dining, limitless shopping sprees and first class travel are obviously appealing on their face — however, should you be lucky enough to hook up with one of these guys it might seriously fuck you up. Take, for example, the case of Lisa Maria Falcone (pictured above). Lisa was lucky enough to hook up with hedge fund billionaire Philip Falcone, and since then she has never been the same.

Mrs. Falcone originally came from humble Spanish Harlem roots, but when hooking up with Philip she let her inner crazy emerge. She is currently the target of a lawsuit from the couple’s former butler who claims she repeatedly reached in his pants and grabbed his cock. She didn’t view his being gay as an obstacle asserting to him that he “just needed a good fuck to turn him straight”. The butler was also forced to withstand the indignity of being forced to sleep in the same room as her pet pig. Mrs. Falcone has been seen playing soccer with her kids in Central Park clad in full evening dress (including all of the requisite jewelry), and is now spending her time teaching her pet pig how to play the piano. Ladies, hooking up with a hedgie might not be worth it in the end — save yourself before it is too late.

Connecticut Attorney General Blumenthal is continuing his war on Craigslist despite his own storm over lying about his Vietnam War service — or lack thereof. Mr. Blumenthal is currently being lambasted in the press over his past claims that he “wore the uniform proudly in Vietnam”. The truth has emerged that his wartime service consisted of running Toys For Tots campaigns back home during the Vietnam war and he never saw any action — but this hasn’t stopped him from trying to prevent the rest of us from getting some action via Craigslist. Mr. Blumenthal has issued a subpoena to Craigslist in order to help him ascertain whether the Internet giant is doing enough to prevent its members from getting laid.

Blumenthal is actually leading a coalition of 39 States — each obviously with nothing better to do like balance their budgets — seeking to put the kabash on Craigslist’s busy “erotic services” section. Law enforcement party poopers like Blumenthal liken Craigslist to an “online brothel” and are aghast at guys finding local hookers and sluts in addition to be able to unload that old lawnmower or comic book collection. Mr. Blumenthal encapsulates the worst of what America has to offer the rest of the world — a repressed, hypocritical liar. Attorney General Blumenthal is running for Governor of Connecticut and like any good pandering politician he is whoring himself out on behalf of the Puritan class in American society. Girls selling their ass on Craigslist are providing a useful and honest service — much more than Mr. Blumenthal can claim.

53 year old Chinese university professor Ma Yaohai was recently arrested during a crackdown on orgies conducted by the Chinese government. Prior stories have indicated that the Chinese government viewed Google as a threat, and now apparently it appears that Crisco parties also are being taken as a challenge to China’s iron-fisted regime. Professor Yaohai faces up to five years in a Chinese prison for “group licentiousness”. Of course, these orgies were organized using the Internet, and Yaohai appears to have been the main ringleader under the guise of his online moniker “bighornyfire”. Now, one would imagine that the Chinese regime would prefer its citizens to use the Internet in order to pursue evenings filled with random fucking and sucking — as opposed to using it to organize protests and Free Tibet rallies.

However, the prudish nature of Chinese society dictates that both political dissent as well as group sex facilitating websites should be quashed. Despite this recent crackdown, it appears that Chinese tolerance of sexuality and hooking up has grown over the past two decades. Just a generation ago, even holding hands in public was highly frowned upon. The Internet has served to propel Chinese social norms more into the modern era — however it has not gotten to acceptance of Internet orgy rings in time to save Professor Yaohai. As a small consolation to him, polls have shown that the Chinese populace feels the prison term he faces is too severe — although the majority still feels what he did was wrong.

Brockton, Massachusetts is the proud home town of former boxing champions Rocky Mariciano and Marvin Hagler, and they have adopted the boastful motto of The City of Champions. However, considering recent media reports, it appears that Brockton is really the City of Fucking. Brockton’s DW Field Park is the centerpiece of the city providing area families with a venue for clean and wholesome fun. However, for the past 12 years (not coincidentally concurrent to the advent of the Internet) DW Field Park has become known as a prime destination for those seeking anonymous casual sex.

DW Field Park — referred to by locals as the “Jewel of Brockton” — has lost a bit of its polish since complaints have been racking up from local residents who are finding used condoms and sex toys discarded around the perimeter of the park. Brockton police recently conducted a sting operation by placing a male officer in the park — who was immediately solicited by at least four gay men. This is probably unfair seeing that if they put a hot chick wearing a mini skirt in the park there is no doubt they would have caught a fair share of straight men. Police indicated that the majority of those using the park as a substitute for a seedy motel are arriving from outside the city. Casual sex tourists from around the world might want to consider putting Brockton on their travel plans as they decide upon this summer’s vacation possibilities.

It used to be that the term “sugardaddy’ came along with all sorts of negative connotations. The recent emergence of a plethora of sugardaddy websites seems to indicate that is no longer the case. Sites like Sugardaddie.com, SeekingArrangement.com and SugarDaddyForMe.com are seeking to capitalize on the legions of wealthy older men looking to hook-up with the hordes of young women desiring to become semi-hookers. Finding wholesome, gorgeous, intelligent, nice girls online who are willing to suck your dick for cash is not an easy task. Weeding through scammers, liars and would be car-bombers on Craigslist is tedious, and other “hook-up” sites are notorious for leading users to fatties, whackos and various polysyllabic STD’s.

An increasingly attractive option for investment bankers, professional athletes and Russian oligarchs with spare cash burning a hole in their pockets is to procure a few sugarbabies via one of the aforementioned sites. Travel to the West Coast often? Then $7500 a month will get you a hot USC sorority girl on standby for your post-meeting entertainment. If you’re bored on frequent business trips to Omaha — then that cute hostess at the Cheesecake Factory very well may be advertising her wares in return for her reasonable monthly rent and payment on her 2008 Kia. Wanna celebrate that seven figure bonus earned for fleecing your counterparties with indecipherable CDO transactions? A pair of bisexual party-girl roommates at Arizona State could be yours. Women can join in the fun as well — most of these sites have sections for cougars in search of a new boytoy.

From the Department of No Shit at the University of Iowa comes a new study with an unnecessarily verbose title of “The Contexts of Sexual Involvement and Concurrent Sexual Partnerships”. This groundbreaking report has now quantified that those who have a proclivity for random hook-ups are more likely to have multiple sex partners as opposed to those in monogamous relationships. Without these brilliant academics to guide us, who’d have thought that random hook-ups with the babysitter, bartender or barrista presents for increased risk of “concurrency for both members of sexual dyads”. Translated from Douchebag to English, this means that if you sleep around a lot then you might become a slut!

The daunting academic research behind this shocking thesis was led by Dr. Anthony Paik working with a team of fearless researchers willing to immerse themselves within the sordid world of the Gen-X hook-up crowd. This highly relevant report (utilizing 1995 data on 783 Chicago-area straight adults) now proves that, as of 15 years ago, those who like to fuck around — sorry, “engage in sexual dyads” — are prone to be non-monogamous. Seeing Dr. Paik’s other main subject of study is the interrelationships within the right-wing lawyer community (I’m not making this up), it appears he is focused on those among us prone to screw everybody around them. Those who desire to soak up the entirety of this intellectual endeavor can read the complete study in March’s issue of Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health.

Prior to the advent of mobile technology, it was kinda unwieldy when resting your laptop on her back while doing it doggy-style. However, the miniaturization of technology now allows for texting while driving, conducting trains, performing surgery — and having sex. As published in Adage, a survey conducted by Retrevo Gadgetology indicates that 10% of respondents under the age of 25 indicate that they see nothing wrong with texting while fucking. When it comes to texting while taking a piss, 24% of those under 25 approve. Even less respect for the sanctity of a business meeting is displayed — 49% will divert attention to their cell within this scenario. Hopefully, pissing during a business meeting does not become the next development within our increasingly multi-tasking world.

It appears that respect for the sacrosanct acts of sucking and fucking is found more as people age — only 6% of over-25′s see texting while having sex as appropriate. Only 17% of the older demographic viewed texting during a business meeting as being okay, and only 12% attempt to mix texting and pissing. In a testament to the strength of young bladders, a whopping 76% of those under 25 check for texts before getting out of bed for their morning piss. Possibly, having grown up with the technology, the younger demographic simply has greater physical dexterity allowing for seamless mixing of texting with these various activities. Soon we’ll probably see spam titled “Guaranteed to get you hard by her 2nd tweet!”.

It appears that unprecedented numbers of women are now willing to take it up the ass — and the New York City Department of Health does not approve. According to recently released statistics, more than 100,000 women in NYC alone have anal sex at least once a year. Although most men would surely view this as a positive development, there are some concerning consequences emanating from the opening of these previously closed orifices.

Whereas gay men now use a condom 61% of the time during anal sex, only 23% of women insist a condom be deployed before rolling over onto all fours. Researchers theorize that the main motivator among females for condom use is pregnancy prevention — obviously not an issue when it comes to buttsecks. If they were aware that the odds of contracting HIV increases by a factor of 30X during unprotected anal sex, then this behavior could change. However, experts fear that behavioral changes might come too late to avoid a serious flare-up of HIV transmissions.

The problem is further compounded by the unwillingness of women who have unprotected anal sex to get tested. 63% of women who insist upon condom use consequent to anal sex get tested regularly, but only 35% of women who prefer bareback get at least annual HIV tests. There appears to be a generational component of this phenomenon — women who are 18-24 are six times more likely to engage in unprotected anal sex than women in the 25-40 demographic. Consequently, HIV is being transmitted at an alarming rate among these reckless young women. This begs the question — where can one find a nice old fashioned girl who only has Gonorrhea?

Nemutan is the apple of Nisan’s eye. This Tokyo area couple have been dating for several months, and this whirlwind storybook romance typifies young passion in all respects — with the minor exception being that Nemutan is a body-sized pillow adorned with an anime depiction of a semi-nude young girl. Surprisingly, Nisan’s predilection for pillowphilia is not a rarity within Tokyo’s diverse, to say the least, dating seen. Nisan has taken the Japanese love for Dakimakura (life-sized pillows) to a new level. Japan’s infatuation with the otaku (anime and videogaming) has intersected with Dakimakura to produce what is most probably the strangest dating scene on planet Earth — if not the entire universe.

Nisan, 37, pampers his 12 year old high-thread-count girlfriend. He takes her on long drives into the Japanese countryside, and the couple leads a vibrant social life mingling with other members of Japan’s human-textile love community. Tokyo’s Akihabara district abounds with shops catering to pillow-lovers, and Nisan has been able to locate over 10 different covers for Nemutan allowing her always to look her fashionable best. In addition to these shopping sprees, Nisan indulges Nemutan with exciting nights filled with karaoke, fine dining and gentle tumble cycles.

Albeit being a bit, um, fucked-up, Dakimakura fans do have their standards. Those who date polyester are ostracized and shunned. The lucky men who are able to become sugardaddies to nice old fashioned smooth-knit girls are the envy of their peers. Shockingly, Nisan’s former girlfriend-with-a-pulse dumped him when she learned of this proclivity of his. Her loss is Nemutan’s gain.

Talk about recharging your batteries at work. I think we’ve found the solution to low productivity in the office. Jimmy Kimmel gives us a great piece hear that reminds us why he has the best late night talk show (especially now that Conan is off the air). He gets enough leeway, has an edgy sense of humor, and knows what his audience wants. What they want is casual sex.

Although the idea is a joke, it would be an interesting concept if you think about it? How many offices are full of sexual tension that never gets released? Doesn’t that actually get in the way, and wouldn’t acting on it loosen things up and let people focus more? I know it sounds silly, but it goes back to the issue of why so many workplaces frown on or even forbid relationships between coworkers.

Sure, there are times when feelings get hurt and it can have a lasting effect on the office. However, there are plenty of situations where these strict rules make the work environment more difficult as well. Think Jim & Pam in The Office before they got together.

With fewer rules on sex between coworkers, workplaces would catch up to modern times and allow employees to maintain a high morale. At the very least, give us one day a week as Jimmy Kimmel suggests here. It sure as hell beats a Hawaiian shirt and jeans!

The FIFA World Cup is upon us in June, and everyone knows what that means — hookers! Cape Town, South Africa, this year’s host of the World Cup, is projected to attract even more sex workers than Craigslist and Adult Friend Finder combined. According to the Drug Central Authority (South Africa’s equivalent to the Vice Squad), over 40,000 prostitutes are set to descend upon Cape Town for the festivities. Football fans making the trek to South Africa are guaranteed to score with a wide variety nice ladies arriving from far-flung locales including Russia, the Congo and Brazil.

In addition to 40,000 tarts, CBS News reports that a billion condoms are also being imported to Cape Town. Basic math therefore indicates that each hooker is projected to get fucked 25,000 times — which hardly seems feasible, but one imagines you can’t be too safe when it comes to these things. In fact, one out of every five adult South African women is said to be infected by HIV. However, intrepid football-sex tourists will not be dissuaded by these odds seeing this one in five chance equates to the same odds as the UK winning the World Cup — and everyone knows this is not going to happen. To further protect themselves, tourists can employ Cape Town taxi driver Henry Africa. For a bargain price of $500, he will shuttle you around to a variety of hooker-laden locales and vouch for your candidate’s safe sex practices. If you do contract HIV, he’ll even waive his tip.