The Real Touch: a Video-Synchronized Masturbator

Is it a blowjob? A handjob? No, putting your junk in the RealTouch is like fucking the Matrix, the rabbit hole lined with shockingly personal conveyor belts and the moneymakers of various Jennas, Toris, and Brees at the other end.

Consider the best porn movies which are, let’s say, a concerted effort between performers, videographers, and directors to get you off. The RealTouch adds yet another participant to your masturbation’s open marriage: a hard-working haptic encoder.

The RealTouch device is slightly bigger than that squash you devoured yesterday, and far more interesting to put your penis in. Opposite your penis, a USB cable connects the RealTouch hardware to your computer where, logged in to your account at, you can access hundreds of scenes specially coded for use with your new conversation starter.

Starting with an ever-increasing library of straight, gay, and even anime P.O.V. videos, RealTouch’s North Carolina-based programmers then assiduously mark, frame by frame, each movement of (for example) Tori Black’s mouth, adjusting for heat, wetness, friction, and ferocity, sending these routines to two opposing conveyor belts within the machine. Ditto Tori’s hands, ass, and vagina.

Unlike other marital aids in which the user actually has to do more work to operate them, the RealTouch is particularly eager to please. You select a video and put your dick in a machine. Science and your own self-control do the rest.

“I just stood there,” one test subject said. “It really did all the work for me.”

rt2One drawback of the RealTouch is that it is not yet Mac compatible. So I farmed out the job of testing the device and its web interface to three PC users. Top of the list of my review criteria was not to tell me how weird it was.

“Look,” I said. “We know it’s weird.”

Initial web setup and login to the RealTouch account were simple, followed by a Windows Media-based software download that was considerably less difficult than a WordPress install. Our review model made a whirring sound and one subject was tentative about making a penile approach to it.

“I didn’t know if I’d come back,” he said.

But they were Heroes, and each on different occasions tried videos with Tera Patrick, Ashlynn Brooke, Tori Black, Bree Olson, and Jenna Jameson, noting that Bree used up a lot of lube.

The belts work in conjunction with heating coils, a lube reservoir, and a simple adjustably tight seal (but haptics don’t care how big you are). Is one hole different from the other? The belts squeeze tighter and the coils heat hotter when you’re in Bree’s ass.

Cleaning, refilling, and transporting this machine require, as you’d imagine, a commitment, but not one our test subjects, each either happily married or otherwise partnered, minded (“but watch out for leaks,” one said).

What I find fascinating about the RealTouch is that someone in Charlotte was focusing as intently on Jenna Jameson or Lisa Ann (or dozens of other actresses) as you would be, dropping coder’s keystrokes in anticipation of your eventual loads.

So, even though masturbation is a personal experience, the RealTouch proves that it takes a village to jerk you off.

(Piece from on November 25, 2009, written by Gram Ponante.)

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5 Responses to “The Real Touch: a Video-Synchronized Masturbator”

  1. Alex
    January 15, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

    I just got one this week – as a geek there is no way I could resist trying out a gizmo like this. It’s fantastic, and works as advertised, but it’s way too pricey. The cheapest and largest package of 200 minutes costs $100, and I used up 25 minutes just in my first trial. Until the price comes down, it’s not really worth it.

  2. Daniel Paul Edward Tyson-Young
    March 4, 2010 at 6:20 am #

    I would really love to buy one of thease, and use it in my bed, and use it throughout the night whilst fantasiseing about that guy who already knows who he is.
    This would make such a change from useing my hands, which if I hadn’t have washed them throughout thease many years, I would proberbly be grwoing fetet out of.

  3. Nick Benjamin
    March 14, 2010 at 2:21 pm #

    I saw this too from the main site, and boy I tell you that I sure would do the same thing. But of course there is one catch: it IS way too pricey for even the best deal. Now that I agree with you. And because that is unfortunately the case, I will now tell you that all hope for the best sex toy ever (even if it’s not a machine) is NOT lost. After all, there are dozens of choices out there. Having said that, I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND the second best choice (average rating of 5 stars, man): “The Perfect Ass” by Cyberskin. It comes in two flavors: Natural and Cinnamon (white and black!). Of course it is very expensive, and costs up to $495, which is the retail price. But you JUST CAN’T beat it on All other places —,,, etc. are like in the 300 dollar range. There is one catch though: you need something called Cyberskin Renew to keep it in good condition, which can also be found and purchased from But it is extremely worth it. TRUST ME. I’VE SEEN THE REVIEWS!! Give it a try, you won’t regret it!


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  2. The Real Touch: Have Sex With Your Computer | BoozeWorthy - January 4, 2010

    […] Casual Encounters – Is it a blowjob? A handjob? No, putting your junk in the RealTouch is like fucking the Matrix, the rabbit hole lined with shockingly personal conveyor belts and the moneymakers of various Jennas, Toris, and Brees at the other end. […]

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