Found this craigslist post a little while ago. Freaking HYSTERICAL. Enjoy.
Dear Men of Craigslist,
Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.
But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We’ve done dinner and drinks. We’ve gone dancing. We’ve cuddled and watched a movie. I’m wearing a low cut shirt and you’ve been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.
When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I’m not going to just lie still – I’ll get involved. But don’t make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We’ve been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That’s nice, but it’s time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don’t make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I’m practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won’t go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don’t gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It’s not what WE want.
OK, I know it’s scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don’t think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:
1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like “I’m sorry – you just look so fucking delicious. I’ll go slower.” Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you’re both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it’s not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU’RE the man. Act like one.
2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It’s different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you’re trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don’t know what to do, ask her. Just ask. “How do you like it?”. It’s a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she’s being all coy, ask “Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?” The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.
3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to “make love” every time – sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it’s not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you’re mixing a cake batter up there. It’s because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don’t be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes – I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.
4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her (“Really? Spanking? Won’t it hurt?” – yes, it does. That’s the fucking point). We know you’ve read Stuff and Maxim, and that’s all those laddie mags talk about in their “How to Please Her” sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don’t have to bend her over one knee and tell her she’s a naughty girl and that Daddy’s going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don’t worry about breaking her hip.
5. It’s OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you’re banging a woman, and she’s crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can’t even manage a grunt, she’s going to feel like an idiot. You don’t have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes “Ah!”, half grunt, half yell? That’s HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you’re in missionary position. You don’t have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she’s going to get worried.
6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you’d like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, “I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot.” Is she still moaning in response? “Your tits are so beautiful.” Does that work? If she doesn’t respond well to the term “tits”, you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:
“Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight.”
“You’re so wet – are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?”
“I think I’m going to come inside you. I’m going to fill up your little cunt.” It doesn’t matter that you’re wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.
If all of those work, you can then progress to things like “sexy little bitch” and “dirty whore”. Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.
6. You’re not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she’s not obligated to choke on your dick. Don’t skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush – you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.
7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don’t want to be preggers, and you don’t want to catch anything, right? Don’t whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can’t come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we’re satisfied and it’s time for you to let loose your load.
8. We really like it when you come. It’s called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don’t assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there’s no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. “I think I’m going to come – how do you like it?” is a fair question that shouldn’t rob you of your testicles.
In recent memory, I’ve been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I’ve been… well, fucked is the wrong term here. I’ve been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I’m ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that’s who.
—————————————————-
*New point of clarification – some people have brought up some really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I don’t mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores. I do mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex rougher than most men give it to them. Rough does NOT equal chains and bondage. And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a person.
**Some women have said that they don’t like it rough and what the hell am I thinking? Well, girls, you’re in the minority. HOWEVER, all women need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual limits. Don’t be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels wrong, say so. Don’t ever do something you don’t want to do in silence and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous.
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August 13th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
2542269220
when you’re ready you know what to do
BS_M75
August 13th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
only if your nasty
August 13th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
I just about cum reading this haha
August 13th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
You don’t know what the fuck you are talking about. You can’t speak for most women when talking about sex. Most women don’t just like someone to get on and thrust away. Lots of women like to be on top and make it happen.
August 14th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Shut up justdidit, you idiot. You like bein pounded. Stop talking shit
August 14th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Its not always cut and dry like that, it depends on the mood, but I do have to agree that most women like it rough, they want a good solid pounding. I’m not going to argue
August 14th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Women have to learn a few things too:
1 – Your sexuality is your business not men’s.
2 – If you want it faster, say it.
3 – If you want it harder, say it.
4 – Try to read some books about men’s needs because your body is not enough.
5 – To make a quiz before sex is a turn off for any man, why don’t you girls learn how to communicate with men?
6 – Try to solve your mental problems regarding sex before demand anything from men.
August 14th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Nice, very nice. Excellent post. Loved it. I am so glad I am doing the RIGHT thing here. It took me sooo long to figure this out. Women aren’t “everything nice”… In the bedroom I will be in control and do you the favor of fucking you the way a real man should! I love to “make love” don’t get me wrong, but let’s face it, real good fucking is amazing! I will kiss you all over and make you moan, I will make love to that little love button until it yells mercy, I will penetrate you slowly and depply, we will fuck like animals. I will fuck you from behind, I will fuck you being on top. I will throw you around and fuck you sideways, I will ram you from behind and flip u on your back once again for the grand finale and we will come together, we will yell and moan in extacy of great pleasure… In the morning we wake up and do it all over again. I will treat you like the delicate flower you are in public
lol
August 14th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
This is to the writer of the note
Holy crap u wanna tell us whos in the minority sweetheart i got plenty of friends and none of us like being called a “dirty whore” or the word “cunt” during sex and if we here it its get off and go home thank you very much. Secondly although rough sex can be nice I do not want it ALL the time. A little hair pulling is nice but thats all i need.
To the finder of the note good find!
August 14th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
I think I’m in her brigade. I love a real fuck: hard, fast and rough. I love the feeling of being hammered by a really, really hard… and grabbed on to by manly hands.
My present boyfriend likes it slow. It’s his thing and I try to enjoy that any way I can. Seeing him enjoy the long foreplay is enough for me. What can I say? I love him so much.
August 15th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Awesome! I cannot tell you how much I love this article! I have shared it with multiple people and most would agree! I have to agree with you as well. No, it isnt something that I would want every single time. But it is a great starting point for any guy that wants to read it!
August 16th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I’m a woman and I love being on top!
August 17th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I have shared too with multiple people I knew and most of them would agree!
I am curious what would my wife say about this 
August 17th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I prefer being fast! I like guys who do it fast as if racing like a horse. Weird but I enjoy it most when they even slap my butt!
August 18th, 2009 at 1:24 am
nothing like fucking. except maybe when its too hot and humid.
August 22nd, 2009 at 1:04 am
Can this please become a tshirt or something? Why are there not enough men with the balls to behave like this in the bedroom? I found ONE, then he went mushy on me… all lovely dovey and shit. Just FUCK me! Tell me I’m your little cum whore and wrap your hands around my throat and FUCK ME! There is nothing worse than sexually inhibited submissive men. Ew.
October 13th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Enjoyable. And one of the reasons why I’ve gone bi. I’ll fuck you all silly, but when your pussy is so lubed up that it feels like I’m fucking air, I’m going home to jerk my 14″ cock off.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
14 ” ? Good luck with that
October 15th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
To men that just dont get it. It’s easy… Bend me over, pull my hair and call me a bitch. Giddy Up!
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:20 am
Can I?? But ill have to slap your ass too!!!
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:55 pm
You can spank my ass all you want baby
October 27th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I first would like to applaud a woman for making an effort to convey a womans point of view with.. relative clarity. I’m a 35 year old man who has spent my fair share (and probably several of your fair shares) of time horizontal (vertical,floating in a pool,doing 80 on the express way, under a waterfall{by far the best} on roof tops and just about any where else its possible to have sex) with women (32 in all). And if after all this, there is anything I think should be added to this, its that not a single one off them knew what she wanted until she was getting it. touching becomes kssing kissing becomes feverish wanten motions, Motions become rythmic, breathing turns to moaning, turns to yelping screaming scratching, turns to “oh gods” ‘oh please dont stahh’ “oh myyyyy gooOOOoood”….. The thing is, (and the trouble is) women come in as many different flavors as there are stars in the sky, even worse they turn on a dime. A man’s job in bed (contrary to popular belief) is not to hop on and fuck (unless its late, you both have to work tomorrow and are too wound up to sleep without it). A man’s job in bed is to interpret. Does she want it fast and hard tonight? Does she want it slow and sweet? Does she want it at all tonight? Is it a “rock me like a porn star” night, or a “god please just fix it so I’m not cranky all day tomorrow and let me go to sleep” night? Do you have three hours and a few rounds? Or about ten minutes and one shot? Without the ability to interpret the signs that represent these (and several thousand other moods) you are lost as a man and as a lover. As far as “just fuck me already” I’m sure I’ve been on both sides of that coin, since there aren’t always obvious signs of good chemistry. what I can tell you about it is this; One woman felt that way for long enough to write a message about it, masturbated and went to sleep. Much as some of you will, hell I even might…
October 30th, 2009 at 11:10 am
well im a 23 years old virgin, live west coast usa, and the girls i c r petrified by men they so scared at what they gonna c they can’t even focus… I don’t know what to do anymore but my 25 e-mails a day of… LET’S FUCK, just isn’t working… i read a post once i wish i copy paste it but the real woman on the west coast usa these days want the guys to be shaved head, 2 pit bulls named bruno and maximus, 2 cars, free weed and huge dick… it’s just not happening for this G… i may be able to get these things, but in the future the girls will want more…
im about to say fuck it give me a gentle fat girl who can only ask for reality… the girls i c are just way to far out there…
id rather fuck a psycho b*%#H then one who wants the impossible…
and from the posters mindset, it obviosly is a girl who wants my shaved head… bruno and maximus etc., i can’t do everything…
December 14th, 2009 at 5:23 am
@Mike you crack me up! I’ve used this site on and off. It’s not too bad. I like Fling more.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:04 am
my girl just like me playin with her clit.. fuckin or makin love is not her thing.. she like it more when i paly with her but im a guy that loves a good fuck
November 16th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
hhhhmmmm let me have a try baby!
December 10th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Makes me so horny! I would love for her to suck my pussy!
December 14th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I think the difference here is between GIRLS and WOMEN.
GIRLS want all the hearts and flowers stuff. I’m talking early 20’s and stuff.
By the time they reach their mid 30’s and beyond I think women like a damn good fucking. Sure, they still want tenderness and love making, but they’ve had 15-20 years of guys fumbling, not knowing what they’re doing etc… So it stands to reason they’d prefer love making and tenderness since at least that way they get SOMETHING.
By the time you reach middle age or thereabouts, you know your body, and know what you want and like.
December 28th, 2009 at 7:00 am
I have to disagree that girls like flowery stuff and women like it rough. Rough usually gets me off, soft and slow gets me off only if I’m feeling REALLY emotionally connected. As a teenager and young adult, I felt like I had to perform like a porn star, and while it sometimes put me in demeaning situations, it was some of the most gratifying sex of my life. As a married woman, the best times are always the loud, frantic, rough ones. The kind you need to numb yourself for a little by having some drinks first, or it would hurt too much, it’s so deep. Fine line between pleasure and pain. I’m not into S&M or deliberate pain at all, but rough sex gives me multiple orgasms. It takes a really special moment to get that from slow and steady, it’s just physiology, the body responds to the movement of rough sex as long as a woman is willing.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:07 am
As an extremely sexual 36 year old female, I would tend to agree with both xjustritex and most of Bonedwarf. Simply put: We like to be greeted with a “pounding” and sent home with a kiss.
December 28th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I love this article. And I’ll definitely try it when I get home. Hell, I cant wait to get home!
January 7th, 2010 at 2:02 pm
ill fuck with u im 13 but only if ur a hot chick
January 10th, 2010 at 6:09 pm
These all make sense. Generally reading her body language and talking to her to see how comfortable she is, but at the same time being cheeky and seeing just what exactly I can get away with has always worked for me – she’ll tell you to stop if she’s not ok with what’s happening.
January 11th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
God, exactly. Thank you. And guys who try to tell ME that I should try taking it slow and gentle? I know what I want and like, thank you very much, and half hearted tugging on my hair when I ask you to pull my hair and then forgetting I ever said anything is not what I asked for. And “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you” is not a very good excuse for anything when I specifically ask for it.
January 23rd, 2010 at 7:19 pm
I’m just going to say this article perfectly articulates my thoughts lately about sex. Amen, sister.
January 28th, 2010 at 1:57 am
I think a lot of men nowadays have learned to be more respectful of women in general (both outside of the bedroom and inside). I think the respect that they have for women outside of the bedroom sometimes trickles into the bed and they sometimes forget or afraid to be a little more “manly”. My boyfriend often starts very gentle and he knows I like it rough. A lot of times when I ask for it to be rough (i.e. spanked, whipped, etc), his response is “well I don’t want to hurt you”. He’s just a gentleman. But when he does it rough… oh man it is ever good.
So yes I agree with you here. I’ve been with wimps before and the sex was horribly boring. I am a very dominant woman outside the bedroom, so inside I like to reverse it and let the man take charge – call me a bitch, spank me and grab my throat while you fuck me silly – that’s the biggest turn on for me. I think we women have to let them have their little moments and allow them to feel like real men sometimes too
Many feminists think they have to take charge of EVERYTHING. Well, he has the penis, let him do the fucking and be in charge once in a while – it won’t kill you.
January 31st, 2010 at 10:23 pm
Bitch I’ll ride you like Norfolk Southern.
February 5th, 2010 at 10:48 am
The problem is that too often, too many women are all too often too finicky and fickle. Don’t expect us to read your minds and don’t expect us to just know what you want because often it is different. And why do we always have to be the ones to make the move… why don’t you women try practicing what you preach for a change?
February 9th, 2010 at 9:18 pm
Hmm the point is that we don’t want to take charge, in the bedroom, well most of us don’t. We want you to take control and be the MAN! Maybe if you do it for us without us having to ask. Then you can have us to do for you. Nothing kills the mood more than having to ask my man to stop acting like I’m going to break! I’m pretty sure if I can have a baby, I can take a pounding.
March 3rd, 2010 at 6:07 pm
Just reading this makes me want to suck someones cock, someone in paricualr.
Reading this makes, me want to slup it into my mouth, and suck, and grab thear ass, and push them into my mouth.
I really want to see this person, without being an MI6 operative, without doing a demonstartion for my Labour Government, and without being the Earl of England.
March 10th, 2010 at 7:17 am
I thoought that I would cot straight to the chase hear.
I had sexual relations five months ago, and I have a very soft penis,
espesially at the head.
I was to worried to put it in as I was worried of splitting it in half,
or tearing it right down the middle.
I really need help, I might need plastic surgery.
March 12th, 2010 at 2:31 am
I have come to the conclusion that I do not need plastic surgery, thankyou.