How to Find Sex: the Art of the One Night Stand – Part 15 “Having Sex”

Lyla Marsh, Author and Sexpert

Lyla Marsh, Author and Sexpert

After the foreplay, during which she may or may not have come (and beware of obsessing and spending too long on something if she’s getting tired of it), it’s time for the main event. A woman doesn’t have to come during foreplay, the important thing is to try and make sure she comes before you. Otherwise she may be left feeling frustrated, used and unhappy.

The skillful lover is both masculine and feminine, having a gentle but firm touch and knowing what they want without being aggressive

It all comes down to thinking of her needs. For example, it’s easy to drift off into your own world during sex, but if you look into her eyes at regular intervals and kiss her face, you’ll make her feel cared about rather than if she’s being used. It’s small things like this that make all the difference to her.

There are many different sexual positions, and experimenting can be fun, but they aren’t always necessary for a woman to enjoy sex. The important thing to her is that she is treated well. Sexual acrobatics can result in bruises, rug burns and pulled muscles, rather than the tired, warm feeling that you want her to take away from your time in bed together.

Here are some of the most popular positions.

The Missionary Position (and how to penetrate)

This position has made a comeback after being scorned in the seventies for its traditional “man on top” philosophy. But it’s the position in which you’re most likely to experience simultaneous orgasm. At the very least, it’s a good position to start from.

The woman lies on her back, legs spread, while the man is above her with his weight balance on his arms and knees. Be careful of putting all your weight on her, as she won’t be able to breathe!

When you first enter her, do so slowly and gently. Tease her by swirling your penis around the outer and inner lips of the labia. Don’t rush this moment, as it can be one of real excitement and intimacy. Insert your penis slowly, one inch at a time, slowly.

It’s important you find a rhythm together moving as one, and you should try and adjust your speed to suit hers. If she accelerates, you accelerate. If she slows down, you slow down. Remember that often during sex the body responds intuitively, so go with the flow. For deeper penetration, wrap her legs around your neck or place a pillow under her hips.

Woman on Top

Many women prefer this position, as they’re more able to control speed and thrust. Being underneath doesn’t mean you should stop moving however, so move your pelvis in rhythm with hers.

Doggy Style

Here a woman is on all fours in front of you, while your torso is over her back and you take her from behind. While a lot of women love the stimulation this provides, and you are able to rub her clitoris with your fingers, some find it a bit impersonal as they can’t see your face. You can remedy this slightly by pulling her onto your lap and kissing her turned face while massaging her breasts. Also beware that men tend to come more quickly in rear-entry positions.

Posterior Slide-in Position

She lies on her stomach and you take her from behind, raising yourself up by leaning on your hands. If you put your hand under her pelvis, you can feel your penis thrusting inside her.

Chair Position

You sit on the chair and she sits on you. An extremely popular position again, as she can control the depth of thrust with her feet on the ground.

Spoon Position

You both lie sideways on the bed, your stomach touching her back. This position is very warm and comforting, as you snuggle up and you can touch her breasts and hug her.

These are only a handful of the possible positions you can enjoy. If you want some more ideas, try the Kama Sutra for some inspiration or, as mentioned above, you could try magazines such as Cosmopolitan, which regularly has features on new positions to try.

Sexual Technique

Once you’ve entered her try sliding in and out slowly, continuing to tease her. Many men go with the “wham-bam” style of thrusting hard and quick inside a woman, believing that this is what makes for great sex. Occasionally this can feel great for her, but only do it if she initiates it. Otherwise she can end up with a headache rather than an orgasm, or if she isn’t lubricated, a painful infection.

Check her face during sex. Is she wearing a smile of pleasure and a look of complete abandonment or wincing in pain? If the latter, slow down!
To avoid having intercourse when her vagina is dry (as it can be especially at certain times of the month), try using a water-based lubricant such as KY Jelly. KY also helps prevent pregnancy.

If she doesn’t orgasm

There will be times when she doesn’t orgasm. Some women report feeling performance anxiety in the bedroom, and, as it naturally takes them longer to orgasm and they feel pressure to come quickly, they feel unable to relax. A few women even fake orgasms to avoid the issue. This is dishonest and unfair to you both. To lower the pressure, remember to make sure you’re both relaxed and focused on the present enjoyment, not the final goal. Many women report that their best orgasms come when they’re not concentrating on it.
If you have been thoughtful and loving her lack of orgasm shouldn’t matter too much. It’s not all about orgasms, but the exchange of pleasure. However, if it doesn’t happen again and again, you have a problem, and you should talk to her about it.

Her Orgasm

Unlike men, women can come in a few different ways: via vaginal, clitoral or G-spot stimulation. Some women report being able to come just by having a massage, having their hair brushed, or hearing a sexy male voice in their ear, which reveals how important their psyche is in having an orgasm. Each type of orgasm feels different to a woman, and most agree that an orgasm during penetration is best. Unfortunately, not many women are able to come this way. In fact, many women find they can only orgasm through oral or manual stimulation. During sex, women prefer the positions that stimulate their clitoris.

If you’re lucky, your woman will already know what pleases her and be able to show you the way to make her come. Sadly though, many women don’t know their own bodies that well, but at least you can have the fun of trying things together.

How do you know if she’s come?

It varies from woman to woman, but when she orgasms there is usually some contracting in her vagina and anal region, as well as some undulations around her abdominal area.

Some moaning noises might come from her throat and her face and neck will be flushed. Her genital area will be engorged with blood and be a deep red/purple color. She may glisten with perspiration, her fingers may be spread and her heart rate and breathing will increase. Her nipples will be erect.

These are all signs of orgasm and she will have some or all of these signs.
Here’s some information about two intriguing things about women, the multiple orgasm and the G-spot.

Multiple Orgasms

One advantage women have over men is their ability to have orgasm after orgasm. The definition of a multiple orgasm is more than one orgasm during a single lovemaking session. But do not expect every woman to have them.

In order to have a multiple orgasm, the woman must be kept at what’s known as the “plateau” stage, the state just before orgasm. Allow a 10-30 second break between orgasms, then begin stimulating her gain before she starts “coming down” from her orgasm (some women need longer).

The G-Spot

The G-spot is located about three inches up the woman’s vagina, in the direction facing you, so away from the buttocks and beneath her stomach. It’s about the size of a small coin. If you imagine the navel is 12 o’clock, the G-spot is between 11 o’clock and 1 o’clock.

To find it, insert your (lubricated) fingers up her vagina and massage with the pads of your fingers. The G-spot does not protrude, but once she’s aroused it will swell up a little. You’ll know you’ve found it by her body language!

Before we move on to the post-coital comedown, here are some specific tips from women on what to do during sex:

Start slowly and build up the speed

Try moving your hips around in a circular motion. This stimulates all parts of her vaginal wall, covering her particular hot spots.

Make sure she is well lubricated

If you spend a long time having sex, she will most likely dry out. Make sure she’s comfortable; sometimes 45 minutes is long enough, sometimes 5 minutes is. Check with her that’s she’s doing okay.

Stay close to her clitoral area when thrusting

Circular movements and pelvic rocking work the best to stimulate her, not banging.

If you put her on top, she’s more in control and you can learn from her movements.

Stay inside her once you’re in, she likes that. Also, once you’ve found a rhythm and she’s close to orgasm, don’t change that rhythm!

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3 Responses to “How to Find Sex: the Art of the One Night Stand – Part 15 “Having Sex””

  1. Great Down Under
    March 16, 2009 at 4:02 am #

    now you’re probably thinking wide brown land, sun burnt country, girt by sea, but you’d all be wrong, it’s nothing to do with girts by sea or burnt kangaroos. the debate here is to tame or not to tame the great down under, to manscape or not and what their decision says about them.

    completely untamed: the guy who doesn’t trim pubic hair, doesn’t go in for any scissor action in this department is the alpha male who thinks anything beyond face shaving is sissy. he’s chivalrous but unlikely to be very adventurous in bed unless his partner takes the lead and he doesn’t have to do much of the work.

    tidy upper: this man is relationship material. He likes things neat and tidy and is quite attentive to his partners needs and know how to satisfy them. he’s the one who calls when he says he will.

    enhancer: watch this one, the shaft base and ball sack are shaved possibly to make the remainder seem bigger. Insecure but always aiming to improve his technique. In bed he is probably quite skilled and receptive to new ideas.

    brazillian: waxed or shaved bare, this man has a wild side and probably indulges in more than a little porn. he’s very adventurous and will try anything kinky at least once. he’s not really relationship material, this one’s your pure adrenalin junkie.

  2. Lady Pandorah
    January 15, 2010 at 4:38 pm #

    ‘KY also helps prevent pregnancies’ – Erm, does it? I’ve not used one that had spermicidal properties in it.

    Just wanting a little clarification there, please!


  3. Daniel Paul Edward Tyson-Young
    March 3, 2010 at 6:25 pm #

    I can’t wait untill I have sex, real sex that is,, not all the fake half hearted sex I have had over the past 6 years, that has only half heartedly, pentrivley, happend to me twice.

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