How to Find Sex: the Art of the One Night Stand – Part 10 “Ending it Nicely”

Lyla Marsh, Author and Sexpert

Lyla Marsh, Author and Sexpert

Ending it Nicely

On the other hand, you may feel after a few dates that things aren’t going so well and you’d rather not see her again. This may be because you’ve learned something about her you don’t like, you’ve since met and are more attracted to someone else, or you’ve just got lazy and let things slide.

A lot of men also break up for the reason that they’re afraid of long-term commitment. If you’re one of these men and you find yourself ending relationships at a certain time because the length and depth of the relationship is scaring you, try writing a list of qualities you a) must have in a woman, b) would like to have (but aren’t necessary) and c) you can’t stand in a woman. Be realistic. This gives you something concrete which will prevent you from making flimsy excuses when ending a relationship (see Seinfeld for a case study of a man who does this). Also try asking yourself why you are scared.

Whatever the reason, here are some tips for breaking up as smoothly as possible.

Ending a relationship is never easy, and the more long-term the harder it is. The break-upper may feel guilty, depressed, confused, and resentful. The break-upee may feel all these things, plus the pain of rejection, which is hard to get over. If you’re the initiator of this process, unless you’re an incredibly nasty person, you’ll want to be very gentle.

So the break-up doesn’t come as a complete surprise to her, you could start dropping some hints, such as the fact you don’t want to be in a long-term relationship.

When the time comes to “have the talk”, expect her to get upset. Don’t ignore her if she does, that would be very cruel. Ask her if she’ll be okay. Ask her if there’s someone she can talk to.

Make sure you compliment her, don’t insult her. Tell her you think she’s great and that you’ve enjoyed your time together. But don’t suggest you be friends. If you are interested in being friends, talk to her about it another time when the pain isn’t as fresh. Many men (and women) use this line to soften the blow but actually it doesn’t help, as it’s an offer often made out of pity rather a genuine desire to remain in contact.

Don’t fight with her, just accept her anger and try to deal with it without getting into a screaming match.

Reassure her that it isn’t anything she said or did, because she will immediately jump to this conclusion.

Stick to your guns. Backing down at this stage won’t do you or her any favors. If she starts crying, comfort her, but don’t change your mind, it can’t possibly work!

Last, if you’ve told her you want to be single right now, don’t start seeing someone the next day if you think she’ll find out. So many men do this and not only is it infuriating for her, it exposes you as a liar and will damage your reputation with other women.

Signs that it’s time to say goodbye:

Your sex-life is terrible and there’s no way to improve it

Of course this one depends on how important you consider sex, but for most men if the sex is suffering so is the entire relationship. For women, they usually stop having sex if there is a problem in the relationship.

You don’t enjoy her company any more

You cannot be in a successful relationship, no matter how good the sex is, if you don’t like being with her. Maybe you fight all the time, maybe you have habits that get on each other’s nerves, but if you don’t look forward to seeing her, what’s the point?

She is mean to you

Unfortunately some women do get a kick out of putting their men down, consciously or not. Maybe she saw her mother treat her father that way and thinks it’s normal. If she’s making you feel bad about yourself this relationship is very damaging so get out!

She is too demanding

Throughout this series I’ve given guidelines on how to make women happy, but if it’s constant work for little reward, she’s taking advantage of you.

You don’t respect her

If you date someone you don’t respect you are damaging both of you. You need to question why you see her at all. Is it money, a career move, the sex? Whatever, it would be surprising if you had any self-confidence left after this.

If you’ve been seeing her regularly and things show no sign of slowing down, great! Part 11 is all about how to keep things in your favor.

2 Responses to “How to Find Sex: the Art of the One Night Stand – Part 10 “Ending it Nicely””

  1. Cher Marie
    March 23, 2009 at 8:53 am #

    Your articles are great..very interesting and straight to the point. I’m sharing these! Thanks

  2. Rahim
    December 29, 2009 at 5:23 am #

    Great series, but I take issue with this one. Women always seem obsessed with the ‘good breakup.’ Truthfully, there’s no such thing as a good breakup. To quote the sagacious Michael Caine, “Everything ends badly; otherwise, it wouldn’t end.”

    I don’t believe in being nasty to anyone–breakups included–but women seem to demand a consideration and magnanimity from men that they themselves rarely extend when they are the breakers-upper, so called. And they have a bad habit of demanding detailed arguments and rehashings of precisely why it had to end.

    Leave the postmortems to the local teaching hospital. Allow stillborn relationships to die with a little dignity.

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